Reality therapy, which is based on choice theory, emphasizes the responsibility and choices made by one's own will as opposed to the psychoanalytic view. The individual chooses all behaviors himself and is responsible for these choices. If he has behaviors that he cannot undertake, he says that the pathology is formed from this. A therapist who adopts reality therapy aims to help the client make his own choice that is compatible with his needs without harming others. It predicts that someone who needs psychological support is actually suffering from a basic disability. In couple therapy, this means: Couples cannot meet their needs from each other without harming each other. And in fact, the symptoms that clients bring to the session are the way they resort to solving their problems. These symptoms are actually an expression of something that cannot be fixed. For example, an individual with obsessive symptoms may be deleting something while underlining something. In other words, his obsession is actually the deletion of something that is not satisfied, unmet, that he needs. We can think of this in dependencies as well. And the object on which the person is dependent is actually a kind of action of his unmet needs. When people are in distress, they are made to believe that they have no control over their distress and are victims of their unbalanced neurochemistry, and are referred to psychiatric drugs such as Prozac to restore balance. Yes, these pills make us feel better, but they don't solve the problems that make us choose unhappiness. In the case of unhappiness, 2 ways are chosen:
Searching for satisfying relationships and functioning
Deciding to end relationships under the mask of depression: People who make this choice pursue happiness or pleasure without establishing relationships. These people replace the objects of love found in their quality world with drugs, loveless sex, violence, and similar sources of pleasure. It says that even if you choose the unconscious partner in psychoanalysis, the Gestal mentioned Even if you choose the person you are trying to complete your incomplete life with, as a result you are unhappy because you do not get along with them. Therefore, in the G.T approach, it examines the past experiences of the individual and their current conflicts and focuses only on the present and current relationship. People have 2 basic needs: 1) to love/to be loved 2) to feel valued in our own eyes and in the eyes of others. The reason for obsessive love for G.T is this: If the person has felt loved at least once and has loved someone fully, they may be stuck with that person with the fear that they will not be able to experience these feelings again for someone else and will not feel loved by someone else again. However, if both individuals can meet these 2 basic needs without violating each other's autonomy and without hindering their right to choose and preferences, this is a healthy relationship. In the Reality Therapy approach, it is mentioned that there are 5 universal psychological needs in human beings. These needs are genetic and universal, but differ in degree and strength. This is about individuals and we do all our behavior to meet these needs. These needs are:
Survival: (maintaining one's life) all physiological needs such as eating and drinking, sexuality, economic needs and the need to exist (the desire to continue the lineage or to give a name to charity works, etc.)
Belonging: Love includes the need to be loved and valued. The individual wants to feel and experience the "I exist" in the relationship, not the "I exist in you". The important thing is to feel that you belong in the relationship, not the person.
Being strong: Like having a job, a reputation and a status.
Freedom: An individual can freely choose his own choices in his life.
The need for fun: It is the energy of the individual, like the cathexis mentioned in psychoanalysis. It is the source of the individual's motivation.
These needs should be analyzed in depth by working with the individual who came to the session and a correct way of determining which or which ones are not met. It is very important to be identified in the province. Making use of the assumptions of reality therapy, especially when working with couples, helps me a lot to find the source of many problems. Sometimes, it is possible that one of these needs is met too much or that more is desired to be met, which will harm the fulfillment of the other need. Or it is possible that not meeting only one prevents the other four from being met. For example, if he can't meet his need for fun, he inhibits the fulfillment of his other needs because he has no energy. As another example, if he cannot meet the need for belonging in the relationship, he may turn to meet the need for strength, which turns into control behavior in the relationship and the relationship wears out. Sometimes just because of this, we see that sometimes people tend to seek other excitement in order to meet their need for freedom with the argument that they do not feel free in a relationship. These behaviors, which are done just for the sake of feeling free, are aimed at meeting the lack of belonging and the need to be strong, as well as the need to be free, such as in the examples of substance use or cheating. Although the examples I gave were given for a better understanding of the narrative, it is seen that how the needs are related to each other and not meeting these needs in a healthy way causes problems. On the other hand, Reality Therapy focuses on behavior and talks about 4 elements of total behavior: doing, thinking, feeling and physiology. In the sessions we conduct with Reality Therapy, we first want the person to change his behavior so that the person can see what he can do and as a result, his emotions, thoughts and physiological symptoms will evolve into healthy ones. If I compare all these 4 elements to a suitcase, the handle of the suitcase becomes behaviors and we cannot make progress if we do not pull the handle. This is exactly why in the G.T approach, the symptoms are not called a disease, but a choice. For example, depression is not an anxiety disorder; The person has chosen to be like this, consciously or unconsciously, in order to meet the aforementioned needs because this is the most total behavior he can find at that time to meet his needs. Conducting behavioral analysis to my client coming for Reality Therapy. r and I analyze the total behavior in these 4 areas. And I manage my treatment on this total behavior. If the person is directed to use only drugs, this will only restore the physiological side, but the problem will still exist. I ask the following question to my client: What do you want? What are you doing for this? And does what you do serve what you want?
To summarize, it is inevitable to have problems in relationships and the fact that there are arguments keeps the relationship alive. The important thing is to be able to express yourself as you are, without masking your feelings, without harming the other party while having these discussions. Most of the time, we take refuge in this pathology by showing a pathological symptom (reaction) in relationships and enter a cycle. In systemic therapy, this is called the devil cycle. In fact, the reason for these symptoms and arguments is the projection of our unmet needs into the relationship, which is a kind of psychological game. Because there is no sincerity and authenticity. Because these symptoms that we choose to show give us secondary gain, in short, by creating a cover by preventing us from choosing alternatives that seem more difficult, such as facing the problem and risking rejection or rejection. As I conclude my sentences, I can suggest an activity for you to gain awareness about yourself and your relationships:
Think about which of your individual and couple needs you meet and which ones you cannot meet, and note what you have done to meet them. Is what you're doing working? Glad it works, but if it doesn't, answer yourself sincerely why you continue to choose this behavior. If you have trouble analyzing your needs, you can get support from an expert. Remember, everything we do, good or bad, is our best choice at the moment.
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