Research explains why this is difficult for parents and shows how to stay calm.
For many of us, seeing our child upset can become unbearable. Still, we know that the key to being an effective parent starts with staying calm and showing your understanding when your child is upset. First, it is important to normalize this experience and emphasize that it is extremely difficult for loving parents to see their children sad. Many parents find it difficult to be there for their children when they're in distress, and they experience a strong biological urge to "make it better" at any cost (even if that means succumbing to a tantrum). So, why is it so hard, and what can we do about it?
Why is Emotion Control Important?
Research has shown that highly empathetic (i.e. children, including) It reveals that mothers (who are very in touch with the emotions of others) have a difficult time being effective parents when their children are more prone to stress when their children are upset. In other words, identifying with your children's emotions and responding "fight or flight" to your children's distress equals the challenge of staying calm when your children are upset. However, for mothers who reported low levels of stress in response to their child's distress, empathy was found to be associated with more sensitive parenting.
In summary, high empathy helps parents to be more sensitive, unless high levels of stress reactivity result in high empathy. If you are highly empathetic and reactive, it will be difficult to respond to children in a sensitive, child-centered way.
Neuroscience research shows that mothers who experience more personal distress in response to the distress of others have more cortisol (aka the stress hormone) and supports this by finding that it exhibits greater activation in the hypothalamus and amygdala (brain regions involved in "fight-or-flight"). However, another aspect of empathy (perspective taking) was associated with lower cortisol. This research could be used if parents tend to experience stress indirectly (i.e., literally can feel stress), suggesting that they may be more likely to become stressed when their children are stressed. However, they are less likely to become stressed if they only consider their children's perspective. reveals that it predicts sensitive parenting. Higher reactivity is also associated with the likelihood of using harsh parenting strategies, being able to control the stress response is associated with more positive parenting.
You Can Apply This Research to Your Own Parenting
Pay attention to your stress level. When do you realize that you are starting to lose your cool? What are the symptoms in your body? What are typical situations? What helps you stay calm? You can use these tips to avoid situations where you're in "fight-or-flight" mode or losing your ability to stay calm.
When you realize you're having trouble keeping your calm, remember to regulate your own emotions first. If you need to take a break to calm yourself first, you can change the room and return to your child when you think you can communicate well with the child.
Apply the mindfulness method. Research shows that when you take a moment to focus on your breathing and noticing and accepting any emotion, the body's stress response can be reduced. Research shows that this approach may be associated with a lower stress response.
In summary, getting upset when your child is upset is a normal parent reaction and even a sign that you are a highly empathetic parent. it could be. However, there are also evidence-based ways to stay calm and try to be the most effective parent you can be in these tough times.
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