If you are making these four important communication mistakes in your marriage, you are probably not having a healthy relationship.
First, let's talk about the harsh criticism and humiliation that often occur in unhealthy marriages.
From spouses. A type of criticism in which someone constantly criticizes the other party and makes them feel bad. It makes the person being criticized think that it was initially about his own behavior. However, over time, he continues to observe that every move and behavior he makes is seen as belittled and unappreciated, and that he is in a meaningless argument. The intolerance and perfectionism of the person criticizing causes the person to become tired, lose self-confidence, and ultimately feel worthless. In such a marriage, it is unlikely that communication will be long-term unless it is necessary.
The second is mind reading; Thinking that you know the thoughts in a person's mind without any evidence.
Our mind's interpretation of an event reveals our 'individual reality'. The event that someone else sees or witnesses and knows about reveals the 'real event'. In the mind reading method, couples consider their individual thoughts and perceptions to be real. Mind reading is a thought error and occurs frequently in bilateral relationships.
“I know my partner's intentions. My wife says she loves me, but she doesn't actually value me. I know what he is thinking, even if he does not admit it.”
Mind readings are usually biased comments. It is often based on individual beliefs. These interpretations are often erroneous. Although the spouse who is exposed to this interpretation tries to explain at first, after a while he/she expresses that he/she cannot cope with the intention readings. Over time, it causes communication to break down.
“My wife does not like the food I cook, I know that she regrets marrying me even if she does not say so.”
A married client of 6 months who came to therapy is above. He was crying while saying the sentence. Because she was sure that her husband regretted marrying her. However, there may be a period of adaptation at the beginning of marriage. Healthy marriage does not mean enjoying everything to the same extent, making the same comments, or having the same perspective. The most important aspects of healthy marriages are: One of its characteristics is open communication. Respecting differences and turning to open communication will make communication healthier and safer.
The third reason that ends communication is that the expectation of reconciliation at the end of the communication is not met.
At the end of the communication between the spouses. They expect reconciliation. Failure to reach a compromise causes unhappiness, disappointment and arguments to grow in the spouses. I often hear this during therapy;
“I don't want to talk to him anymore because we can't get along at all”
“We can never look at things from the same perspective” etc..
Couples try to think differently. As people see different interpretations as a problem, their arguments increase. “What is the main purpose of communication?” I ask in the sessions. While searching for the answer to this question, we agree that 'Communication is done for the purpose of talking, understanding, learning and sharing'. Recognizing the spouse's need for agreement is more important than compromise. When good communication skills are acquired, spouses have the chance to truly understand each other by focusing on the communication process itself, not on the final compromise.
And finally, the fourth item is one of the spouses building a wall.
Two roles are generally observed in the relationship. One of the spouses generally prefers to speak to solve the problem, while the other generally prefers to remain silent. Susan, the person who waits for the problem to pass unknowingly sends the following message to the other party: "I am not interested in you or these problems." The other party prefers to talk because they think communication should continue. From what I observed in the therapy room, the person who tries to continue the communication definitely gets tired and no longer wants to be the one making the effort. Why do spouses build walls and cut off communication? He may build a wall because he thinks it won't work anyway, we will argue again, we won't be able to agree on anything. Or he keeps silent because he doesn't trust his communication skills and doesn't know how to put things together. As a result, if someone in the relationship behaves in a way that hinders communication, it means that the relationship has entered an unhealthy communication path.
If your conversations with your spouse are decreasing and you are having arguments that hurt each other at the end of each conversation, I suggest you take a closer look. each other Just examine yourself and your behavior without blaming anyone. What wrong behavior do you practice?
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