Sleeping with their child is a great pleasure for most parents. We sometimes hear the following sentences from parents: "When I sleep with him, I smell his scent, I feel his warmth, it makes me feel very good." Children mostly enjoy these shares, they do not want to leave their parents. One of the most common excuses that mothers make is that they put their children to sleep next to them so that they will not get cold in the winter and should not be uncovered. At other times, they make their children sleep with them because they are scared when they sleep alone at night, they want to sleep with us, they cry a lot when they sleep alone, and this situation continues in the following periods. Limiting this after a certain age and ensuring the separation of mother and child is very important for the child's individualization and mental health.
What could be the reasons?
Especially during infancy, parents take the baby to their bed when he does not sleep, either because of tiredness, longing, or because they have given up. Older children's desire to sleep next to their parents may be due to their need to go to the toilet, their fear, their need to feel safe, or their inability to be with their parents enough. Not wanting to be alone, various life events (earthquake, accidents, illness, divorce, etc.), fears, parents' attitudes, inappropriate physical conditions (too much light, noise) are other factors that cause this situation. One of the most important reasons for insisting on sleeping with parents is "fear". The child may not want to sleep in his bed, saying he is afraid, or he may go to his parents' bed at night. During this period, children may be afraid of many things they do not know. They may have scary dreams as a reflection of these. He may have been affected by a movie he watched, news or an event he heard about. The child thinks that he will be safe when he sleeps with his parents and insists on this.
In homes where parental conflict is intense, children want to sleep with their parents out of concern that they will leave their home and therefore leave them. Sometimes when a new child joins the family, the older child becomes jealous. It causes anger and the child wants to sleep with the parents to suppress his jealousy. Serious life events that children encounter in their lives, such as the birth of a sibling, moving, parental divorce, deaths, and starting nursery or school, can cause anxiety in children. It is difficult for the child to cope with this anxiety on his own, so he takes refuge in his parents, and such situations lead the child to sleep with his parents.
What are the drawbacks of the child sleeping with the parents?
Sleeping with the mother and father primarily prevents the development of the child's self-confidence and independence. The child's ability to sleep in his own bed and in his own room is an important step for their individual development and should be allowed. Sleeping in the child's own room will create a sense of private space for him/her, and families can give the child a sense of ownership by saying, "You have your own private space, our bedroom is our private space." Also, an important step is taken regarding boundaries. In this way, the child begins to accept that the mother and father have a private space for themselves. Not separating the child's room will cause changes in the bedtimes of both the child and the parents, and parents may have to sleep in separate rooms, which will negatively affect the sexual lives of the spouses. It is dangerous for children whose sexual identity begins to develop to sleep with their parents. It is seen that the boy adopts the mother and actually tries to say that she is my wife, while the girl adopts the father and says that she wants to sleep with him. During this process, when the child continues to sleep with the mother and father, the inability to get away from the mother and father will be seen along with it.
Mistakes that parents often make in this regard
Many mothers The father may be pleased with the child sleeping with them, and there are even those who think this is not a problem. This situation is especially seen in divorced or working parents. In both cases, parents give their children enough time and attention. Thinking that they do not know each other or that they cannot spend quality time together, they make their children sleep next to them with a feeling of guilt, and in this way they unknowingly prevent the child from becoming individualized. In case of divorce, especially mothers allow the child to sleep with them so that he does not feel bad. Since this is essentially comforting for the mother, they do not see it as a problem, they may think that he needs me. Again, from the mother's perspective, it can be said that she is trying to fill the void of her husband with the child. In such cases, parents need to be able to see this and take precautions in this regard, but the current emotional state makes it difficult to make a real assessment. In such cases, it would be useful to get support from an expert.
It is seen that mothers take their children to bed when the child is sick. Normally, in a situation where the child becomes ill while lying in his own bed, this order is disrupted and the child wants to continue this situation. Especially mothers of children who have had frequent respiratory infections, allergies or other health problems since their childhood do not leave their children with them for fear that something will happen to them or the disease will reoccur. This situation causes the child to become dependent on the mother. It prevents individualization. It is a common behavior for parents to take a child who has started sleeping in his own room back to the parent's room when he gets sick or after any nightmare. Instead, it would be more appropriate to sit next to the bed for a while and help the child sleep after his head is caressed and comforted.
The problem of not being able to sleep alone is more common in children of anxious, worried and overprotective parents. In addition, these children have difficulties starting nursery and school and experience serious separation anxiety.
If the parents allow and provide the necessary space for their child, each child will one day want to be in his own bed, in his own room, in his own privacy. Because as much as children want to remain attached to their mothers, they also struggle to become independent and individual. Overprotective and oppressive parents who do not allow this to happen generally They may have to deal with children who are very passive and withdrawn or very rebellious. What needs to be done is to recognize the child's age-appropriate freedoms, give him/her space, but also set limits where necessary and be determined and stable.
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