Every person is unique and unique. That's why no one person's grief is the same as another. The reactions shown are individual and vary from person to person.
There is no house that DEATH does not enter, no door that it does not knock on, no day that does not make its presence felt. Sometimes it comes as news of the death of a relative, sometimes a neighbor or best friend, and it reminds us of itself. Just as we believe that we were born, we know that one day we will die and rest eternally, and we wait for our turn to come.
There is no description of the tears shed and the pain felt after the departure. The important thing is to be able to get through the process after the loss in a healthy way with the least damage. So, what is this process and what happens during this process?
What is mourning?
Mourning is the natural reaction that should be experienced after the loss of a loved and valued person or thing. Mourning is not just for those who are gone. Loss of a person's job, loss of health, loss of a pet, loss of a relationship is also mourned. Grieving is not just a response to death. The important thing here is to experience the absence of something valuable.
Loss is a feeling that hurts a person's soul and damages his soul. The person expresses himself with the sentences "No one understands me", "My pain cannot be described", "I cannot fit anywhere". No two people's pain is the same. “Just as no loss is ordinary, our reactions to our loss are also not ordinary. “The grief we experience is as unique as our lives.” (Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross)
Death, loss and grief in children and adolescents
In childhood, especially the loss of a parent is a challenging and devastating experience. Children and adolescents experience grief reactions specific to their developmental periods.
During infancy, the baby is aware of the absence of the caregiver. But there is no concept of death. The child can call and call his lost parent; However, emotional withdrawal, sad facial expression, eating and sleeping problems may be observed.
In the 3-6 age period, there is an expectation about the caregiver (such as mother, father) that "He is gone, but he will come back." He is constantly trying to find the deceased. Temporary enuresis, bedwetting, encopresis, baby talk and thumb sucking, eating Problem-like behaviors are observed. He asks many questions about death: “How does he breathe if he is dead?” etc. If you say that a dead person is “asleep”, “When will he wake up?” he asks, and for the child, someone being asleep means his death. Sometimes children have sleep problems following the death of a loved one. The child insists on not sleeping because he thinks he will not be able to wake up when he sleeps, and even does not want his parents to sleep.
6-9 years old sees death as his own fault. For example, "I was naughty, that's why he died"... Children in this age group may think of death as a ghost or angel. Difficulty focusing on lessons and school refusal may occur.
9-12 years of age are aware of death. Although they are affected by the death in their immediate environment, behaviors such as anger, feeling guilty or responsible, social withdrawal, and substance use are present.
Death is an absolute reality for adolescence, a child aged 12 and above, but for death itself He believes that it will happen in the distant future.
What are the reactions during the mourning process?
Physical reactions: Shortness of breath, lump in the throat, difficulty in swallowing, constipation, diarrhea, muscle aches, muscle twitching, sleep disorder, weakness and fatigue.
Spiritual reactions: That the deceased is alive. feeling, hearing your voice, seeing your dreams, questioning death and life after death. For example, “Where did he go now? What will happen next? such as…
Emotional reactions: Denial of death, inability to accept it (like a woman who has recently lost her husband not wanting to leave the house with the hope that her husband will come), crying, fear of losing her mind, not being able to enjoy anything, hopelessness about the future, helplessness. , loneliness.
Behavioral reactions: Excessive activity, moving away from people and not wanting to meet (such as not answering the phones of those who call for condolences), frequent visits to the grave or not being able to go, drinking alcohol, avoiding the pain of loss by devoting oneself to helping others.
Cognitive reactions: Thinking about death, blaming yourself, remembering the moment of death over and over again, regret, inability to concentrate, memory problems, indecision.
So, will this process always continue like this? When will it finish?
Every human being It is large and unique. That's why no one person's grief is the same as another. The reactions shown are individual and vary from person to person.
Stages of grief
First stage: It is a period of time ranging from a few hours to a few weeks. During this period, the person has difficulty accepting the reality of death and there is denial. He/she may be unresponsive, dull, shocked or confused in the face of the events he/she experiences. A mood of trying to understand the event but going more into denial, difficulties in remembering the events, and some physical symptoms may be observed.
Second stage: The person feels the pain of the loss more deeply every day, feels sadness mixed with feelings of longing, feels the death of the deceased. He may feel longing for the person, cry from time to time, irritability, insecurity, fear and excitement, difficulty in concentrating, and reluctance towards things he was previously interested in. The mind is preoccupied with death and the dying person. Although this phase does not have a specific time, it can continue for a long time.
Third phase: After a long period of time, with the acceptance of death, there is a decrease in the intensity of the feelings of longing and sadness felt by the person.
Things that should not be said to someone whose relative has died
Comments such as "Thank God, he did not suffer much, he died and survived", "I understand you" should be avoided towards someone whose relative has died. We cannot understand the other party's pain; Because everyone's pain is experienced by and within themselves. We can see that he is sad, but we cannot understand his pain.
When talking about the deceased, it would be better to mention the person by name rather than "deceased".
While the person who lost his/her relative constantly wants to talk about that subject, the surroundings say, "It's empty." "Let's talk about other things" and changes the subject; This is wrong! Let him talk, explain, cry, laugh and relax as much as he wants. As long as she doesn't suppress her feelings!
Phrases such as "You are a strong woman", "You are now the head of the family", "You have become both the mother and father of the children, they should not see you cry" will not console the person. These statements destroy a person. It does nothing but bring extra responsibility onto the shoulders of the person whose relative has died.
Phrases such as "Thank God your child did not die but your husband died, at least you are alive" are words we often hear. download. The purpose of the speaker is to console the other party, to heal him, to be a balm for his wounds, but what is important here is "how the other party perceives" this. In such cases, changes in brain perception occur, such as shock, trauma and grief, and false perception occurs. Even though the intention is good, this would be like making eyebrows while trying to make eyes.
So, what do we say then? You don't need to say anything. It will be enough for you to be with him, listen to him and meet his needs. It is important to make him feel that you are with him. You should know that just listening provides great benefits. Let him talk as much as he wants.
Suggestions for a healthy mourning process
Attending the funeral is the first step to accepting the loss. But if a person does not want to participate in the ceremony, he should not be forced. Doing something for the deceased, dealing with funeral arrangements, reading the Holy Quran, and praying gives strength to share this pain together and to accept the situation for those left behind.
Don't expect everything to get better at once. Everything will get better with time. Do not inhibit your emotions with thoughts such as “If I cry, I will look weak” or “Crying is weakness”. Crying, like laughing, is a natural and comforting behavior. It is wrong to suppress the pain or turn to alcohol or substance use with the thought of "I will forget".
If the person still cannot get over the grief even after two years, it would be good for him and his environment to get support from a specialist.
Stay well…
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