What could be the reason why understanding and loving days are replaced by cold and conflicting days in romantic relationships? What can be said in response to the question "How did we come to this?" ? Could the answer to this question be surrender to schemas? To address this, let's go to the beginning of relationships together.
At the beginning of romantic relationships—the unhealthy ones—often either everything is perfect or the person we love is perfect. It is as if the individual has stepped into a world that understands himself, takes care of him only, meets his every need, makes him sleepless at night, and feels that he can never get enough. Another point of view is that schema chemistry cannot receive its signals.
So what is schema chemistry?
Schema chemistry is one of the concepts that schema therapists often deal with. Let's look at examples through some schemas to understand better.
In schema chemistry, an individual with an abandonment schema chooses partners who will always keep their abandonment anxiety at the top. Schema chemistry is the power of attraction to a partner who cannot meet his/her needs such as being loved and shared, and who desires to be more free in relationships. Let's imagine an individual who believes that every relationship will result in abandonment in the end, in a romantic relationship mixed with schema chemistry. The person perceives every move of his partner as a signal of abandonment. When there is a fight, when their calls are not answered, or when your partner is bored… Can a healthy relationship be established with this abandonment anxiety? In this way, it is difficult to live with the uneasiness of being constantly abandoned, the person gets exhausted with this anxiety over time and starts to consume. When his partner tries to distance himself or says he needs a private space, being confronted with persistent statements such as "I need you, don't leave me" can push the partner further away. Or, he can imprison the other person in a relationship that he does not know how to end.
If we are talking about individuals with a skepticism schema, we encounter a force of attraction that confirms people's basic ideas that they cannot be trusted, and that allows them to choose partners that cannot be trusted. Protected and wondered by someone else in the first place Although it feels valuable to be with, controlling, criticism and lies, accompanied by frightening outbursts of anger over time, cause the person to realize that he is with an unreliable person and distance himself from his partner. This would not be surprising, actually. In other words, over time, everything happened as Özdemir Asaf said: “Your ugliness was also beautiful once. Now even your beauties are ugly.”
To put it through the imperfection scheme, people who think they are worthless and inadequate are in relationships where they feel defective and inadequate. A relationship accompanied by schema chemistry has an atmosphere of criticism of the individual's body or personality traits, a thousand flips to get the attention of the partner, and the despair of disapproval and inadequacy. The fact that people who are not sure of their own worth and sufficiency cannot handle even minor criticisms from their partners and defend themselves harshly is another dimension of the distance between partners. As the attraction in the first days begins to wane, the world of reality begins to come to the fore and gnaws at the person by feeding the schemas. If you are in such a situation, you either overwhelm your partner by constantly seeking praise and attention, trying to win their appreciation, or you are overwhelmed because you have to constantly console an insecure partner.
Do you have a partner who always protects and watches over you? And you can't take any decision without asking him, do you need his opinion? Such a table is a situation that can be seen in the relationships of people with a dependency schema. It can also be thought of as the extreme evolution of I language into we language. A person who thinks he can't handle a job alone and can't trust his own ideas can start a relationship quite happily because he has found a strong partner and can put his head on his shoulder. Although it may seem that there is no problem for their partner, after a while, it will be overwhelming for most people to remove all the responsibility and the burden of this responsibility. Your partner may also need a shoulder to rest his head on, or share some things with you because you are so weak. By escaping from the world, he can start living in his own world. This may be the beginning of your partner moving away from you. Another scenario is that your lover, whom you feed the addiction schema, starts not listening to you about anything with an extreme reaction one day, and this independence-dependency struggle tires the relationship. It is usual for a person to choose cold partners who cannot give him enough warmth with his schematic chemistry. In general, while the person is waiting for activities and shares that he will feel special, situations such as the time he spends with his partner's group of friends, not getting the support he expects in difficult times, feed the thought that the person is not special for his partner. This situation is usually followed by reproaches to his partner through the person's own sacrifices and shares. It is normal for these reproaches, complaints or deprivation anger to push the partner away. You are constantly giving and thinking about your partner, but you are not getting anything in return. Not being special enough or being a schema prisoner? I leave the answer to you after these examples.
Perhaps we insist on meeting the love, respect, trust and boundary needs that we did not receive in the early period in a dysfunctional way in our romantic relationships or staying in relationships with people who cannot meet our needs. Maybe it's time to take a closer look at why we always choose the same type of people and enter almost the same cycles.
Hope to get to know ourselves and our schemas better...
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