Separation has been the point at which my clients have felt unsuccessful. Whether it's a bad relationship, an unhappy marriage, or even if it's their decision to end it, the burgeoning feeling is failure.
Separation is actually a way. It is a way in which we experience the grieving process, revise our boundaries, rebuild ourselves and our identity. So why is there this feeling of failure?
Because this is what we internalize, culturally transmitted, to continue no matter what, not to give up, not to quit, to continue even though you are unhappy, even to continue knowing that this is not the right thing to do..
Separation is an end, yes, but it is also a beginning. In order to make a healthy start, it is necessary to say goodbye to the end and mourn. Every emotion felt during this period is important and functional. That's why we shouldn't run away from our feelings, we can't go on with our lives as if everything is normal, avoiding suffering, avoiding sadness only causes grief and goodbye to be longer and more painful. You have to embrace anger, sadness, disappointment, longing. It is very natural and normal to hold grudges, desire and miss them. There is no linear or sequential situation between these feelings. Everyone experiences grief in their own way.
Grieving, experiencing pain is a necessary process in order to be able to connect again, to love, to be whole and to improve ourselves. What matters is what the ending relationship teaches us about ourselves, the way we love, our attachment style. To answer this, you have to ask the right question. What does this pain serve for me? What does it open the door for me to change or improve about myself? These questions will allow you to get through the grieving process in a healthy way and to make a healthier start after getting over it.
So What Can We Do to Overcome This Grief Process?
The most important answer is that your suffering is part of this process, and don't run away from it, pain has a function. The second is not to rush. Let the situation we encounter most in the sessions be now, and it will be almost over. These are about the inability to tolerate suffering. It takes time for your wound to crust over. Don't forget.
After leaving, the mind brings up the same scenarios again and you start to think about what could have been different. In this situation, which develops after you blame yourself or him, we involuntarily find ourselves in the illusion that if these were different, we could be together. You've tried all of these, actually you just want to be sure, and yes, that's exactly why you want to contact. First rule; You should not contact. This will only magnify the wounds you have inflicted on each other. Don't try to stay friends, that is, keep in touch again. This is just an excuse not to finish. So our first rule is to stay away.
Our second rule is to decide. Even if it is painful, you must make a decision and respect it so that you do not lose your self-respect and relationship. This is the most difficult step for couples who break up and reconcile frequently and experience high tides throughout their relationship. They have difficulty in determining the boundaries that they have difficulty and fail to set while in a relationship, and also in separation. There is a lot to miss in the transition from couple to individuality, not being able to stand the thought of him being with someone else, the pain of being abandoned, the desire not to sleep alone at night, sexual desires, so there are many excuses to try again and trap. Making decisions and respecting them is exactly what will keep you from falling into these traps. Respect yourself to grow, develop, and discover yourself.
If you dedicate this process to getting back to yourself, you'll get out alive. Try to discover your own resources, examine yourself, write a lot. What happened, what did I feel bad about, what did I think, what was the situation that reminded me of him, how do I know this feeling, look for answers to these questions. Record your thoughts. Write freely as you write. Remember, the human mind recalls good memories of what they lost, but it was the negative cycles that ended the relationship over and over again. Write these down too. Write to remind yourself that this separation was not in vain. Take note of what time of day you feel most alone. Make a solution plan for what precautions you will take afterwards. Make plans for the future and ask yourself the same question again, what did I learn from this relationship? What did I discover about myself? ? What are my expectations from the relationship, what can I give to the other party?
Separation creates a feeling of failure and defeat. You need to turn this feeling into something different, so you can write, draw, sculpt, play sports, but you have to transform and externalize this feeling. Sometimes, even if our good sides are revealed, it is not enough, remember that they are just waiting for another story to emerge. So forgive your situation in this relationship and the other side. Forgive so that you can accept the pain and anger and analyze why you are experiencing them. Get a little closer to yourself every day so you can create the future.
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