Children want to explore the world. While doing this, they observe their own behavior and the reactions of others. They learn how to behave appropriately based on the consequences of their behavior. The limits set by parents are guides that the child can trust in a world he has never met yet.
Setting boundaries means setting logical rules that have a specific purpose, explaining the reason for these rules to the child, and applying these rules consistently. Setting boundaries determines the area where the child can move safely. Children feel safer when they know their physical and emotional limits. Boundaries help the child acquire desired behaviors, learn to control himself, and become responsible. Boundaries facilitate the child's adaptation to society. A child growing up in an unlimited environment does not feel safe. The need for approval and support from others becomes greater. Because he does not know where his own limits end, he can be a person who pushes the limits of others, causes discomfort, has difficulty taking responsibility, is insecure and insatiable.
In families where there are very strict boundaries, the child's personality is suppressed. The child may feel fear and anger. For this reason, it is important that the boundaries can be stretched when necessary.
Use of Reward and Punishment
Whether a particular behavior is evaluated as right or wrong by the child depends on how the family reacts after that behavior.
Giving rewards means noticing the child's positive behavior and giving him positive feedback. The best reward method is emotional and social rewards that can be used instead of financial rewards. Applauding the child's positive behavior, patting his head, saying positive words and smiling can be used as rewards. The reward should come immediately after the desired behavior and reinforce that behavior. Instead of emphasizing and criticizing the child's negative behavior, focusing on the child's positive behavior will help reduce the child's negative behavior.
A reward is misused when it is suggested in advance that the child does something; It's like saying, "I'll give you chocolate if you finish your homework." B. Such an attitude does not teach the child that doing homework is beneficial for him and that it is his responsibility. Homework becomes something done for chocolate's sake, something less valuable than chocolate. In addition, this will cause the child to demand more from his family next time. It is not right to give too many rewards to the child. This will reduce the effect of the reward given.
Children feel guilty when they act wrongly and break a rule. They are afraid of losing their parents' love. Accepting the consequences of his behavior reduces the feeling of guilt that the child feels. When a child misbehaves, the sanction applied to the child is usually presented as punishment. However, the word punishment may create a perception in the child that his parents are taking revenge on him, that he is very angry with him, or that he does not love him. For this reason, instead of telling the child that he is punished, it would be more accurate to explain that he bears the consequences of his behavior.
If the child repeats the negative behavior, he/she must face the same sanction. The sanction applied must be appropriate to the child's age and developmental period. Depriving the child of certain things such as games, activities, television, and taking breaks can be used as a result of negative behavior. However, this sanction should be given immediately after the undesirable behavior and should be related to that behavior.
Giving harsh punishments to the child, especially physical punishment, causes feelings of shame and hopelessness. At the same time, in this way, the parents set a negative example for the child regarding using violence.
What should parents pay attention to when setting limits?
1. Set clear and consistent boundaries that have a specific purpose.
2. Explain the expected behavior to the child in clear language.
3. Explain to the child the reason for the rule. Explaining the reason for the border reduces stubbornness and conflicts. The child who is given an explanation feels cared for by his/her parents.
4. Investigate what could be the reason for the negative behavior.
5. Express to the child that you understand what he needs, what he feels, what he wants.
6. When the child shows the expected behavior, congratulate him for his efforts, even if he is unsuccessful. do it. Praise and encourage positive behavior. 7. Give the child the right to choose from the options offered. This way, you make the child feel more valuable.
8.Stay calm when setting limits, do not get angry. Speak to the child in a clear, determined and polite language. 9. When setting limits, do not give longer explanations to the child. Do not say the same sentences to the child over and over again. Say it once and apply it.
10. As a parent, follow a common attitude about boundaries and be consistent. Don't let one of you say yes to what the other one says no to.
11. Do not have long conversations about negative behavior, do not focus on negative behavior.
12. Do not impose conditions on the child, do not bargain with him.
13. Give the child responsibilities appropriate to his age and skill level.
14.Children learn by imitating. Be a positive model for him/her with your own behavior.
15. If what the child wants is a reasonable request, do not immediately say "No". Saying “No” to most of the child's requests will increase conflicts. For this reason, review the things you say "No" to and try to reduce them as much as possible.
It is important to find the cause of negative behavior. Children behave inappropriately when they are exposed to some situations that upset or anger them, when their emotional needs are not met adequately (for example, when they do not receive enough attention), when they do not know how to behave. For this reason, when children behave negatively, it is useful to think about what could be the reason for the child's behavior instead of giving immediate punishment. Parents should think about what the child needs, what bothers him, or whether he knows how to behave.
It should not be forgotten that the most important discipline tool is the positive relationship established with the child. When there is a solid relationship between parent and child, it will be easier for parents to teach the child boundaries.
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