Marital Maturity

“ A mature person is a person who feels the responsibility of existing in his life.”Doğan Cüceloğlu

Marriage is a marriage between two people. It is an institution of relationships and it is important for people to reach a certain maturity for this institution to function properly. According to the Turkish Civil Code, it is sufficient to be of a certain age and to be a male or female with the ability to distinguish. What is meant here is maturity rather than competence. First of all, reaching marriage maturity is possible by being a mature person. A mature person is someone who has a developed sense of responsibility in three matters:

He knows himself,

He knows others,

He who knows the system he is in.

The same dimensions emerge when we talk about marital maturity. A person who is mature enough to get married is more aware of himself, the other person, and his social environment than a person who is not mature enough.

Knowing Yourself

The first step in knowing ourselves will be to recognize two family structures that we can describe as the culture of fear and the culture of values. In the culture of fear; There is a strong character in the family, he controls everyone, ensures security and wants to be feared. He has a sullen face and a harsh expression. He says "I" know and expects others to obey him completely. In the culture of values; This structure derives its strength and meaning from shared values. There is a fair environment within the family, and this environment is nourished by respect, love, honesty and cooperation and develops the "WE" awareness.

Every person has his or her own life story and tries to discover this story every day. It is very important for him to think about what kind of environment and environment he grew up in regarding his family. He needs to question whether he grew up in a culture of fear or a culture of values ​​and look at what traces it left in his personality.

• Know Your Inner Child: What kind of environment did you grow up in? Mark 'Yes' to the statements below and 'No' to those who do not represent you.

 

• You are constantly trying to please others. I work; get what i want Most of the time I don't think at all.

• I know in the most secret corner of my heart that there is something missing, something strange about me. I'm not normal.

• I can't throw anything away. I collect everything I can get my hands on, whether valuable or worthless.

• I feel nervous and uneasy about sexuality.

• I do not want to commit to a project or work. I have difficulty getting started.

• I do not have a unique thought or opinion of my own.

• I constantly feel inadequate and therefore criticize myself.

• I feel like I don't know what I really want.

• Whenever I object to something, I feel guilty. I think, “I wish I had done what others wanted without any objection.”

 

If you answered 'yes' to most of these questions, you are probably in an environment where the culture of fear dominates. You have grown up. And you may have a child inside you who experiences shame. An inner child drowning in shame has difficulty forming the WE in marriage. His relationship includes insecurity, jealousy, anxiety and fear. He may feel lonely and orphaned; Anxious personalities can often occur.

If you answered 'no' to most of these questions, you probably grew up in an environment where the culture of values ​​dominated. You may have a happy child who loves living inside you. People with a healthy inner child can create WE in marriage and experience strong feelings of love, gratitude, hope and trust in their relationships. He sees himself as rich in terms of his friends and sees in himself the power to solve the problems he will encounter.

• Discover Your Inner Witness: These questions gain in-depth understanding when you discover the power of your inner witness.

Am I getting married or being married off?

Is my decision to marry a choice or a reaction to my past or the environment I'm in?

Are my expectations about marriage my own, or the expectations of the 'cultural template' that has been imposed on me without realizing it?

Do I want children in my marriage?

Do I feel ready to take on the responsibility of being a parent?

Do I want to live life together under equal conditions with the person I marry, or do I want to own him and use him?

Which is important to me; A magnificent wedding that everyone will talk about for weeks, or a home where two hearts will meet?

What is the purpose of marriage? Is it to gain superiority in a fight, a fight, a conflict, or to dance together to the music of the life we ​​will live together? Being aware of whether each other's beliefs and values ​​are in harmony is very important for the future of the relationship.

Knowing the Other

As a mature person gets to know himself, he also takes care to get to know the other person. He directs all the questions he asks to get to know himself to the other person.

• Was he raised in a culture of fear or a culture of values?

• All my privacy Is he responsible enough to be a witness?

• Is he someone who has formed his beliefs and values ​​by his own choices, or is he someone who follows patterns?

• Is he waiting for a ME relationship or a WE relationship?

• Is he aware of his feelings?

• Apologizing when he is wrong, making peace, Is he aware of the need to keep common values ​​alive in the relationship?

• Is he a dear friend to whom I can reveal my private, fragile and vulnerable aspects within the husband-wife relationship, or a stranger who has infiltrated the closest person?

It is your responsibility as a mature person to know and understand your prospective spouse before marriage. After marriage, it is useless to whine and say "I don't like you being like this" or to try to change it; It would be a shame if yours joins the ranks of unhappy marriages. It should not be forgotten that it is very important to discuss a subject that may be difficult to talk about after marriage, in detail before marriage.

Getting to Know the System

“I was saying that I would close the door and the family that disturbed the peace would stay outside; But there is already my wife inside, who represents them and was raised by them..."

Unfortunately, the social environment, which actually forms a very important part of the institution of marriage, is not taken into consideration by couples at the beginning of the relationship. However, mature people know that after marriage, they will always have some kind of relationship with their spouse's family. And within their own relationship, the expectations, feelings and beliefs of the mother-in-law and father-in-law can be effective. Whether the person likes it or not, they are now a part of US.

It is necessary to ask whether our relationship with the family will develop in a culture of fear or a culture of values. Asking these questions in advance and not being afraid of the answers expresses the strength of a person's maturity and sense of responsibility regarding marriage.

People who are considering marriage are aware that they are embarking on an important journey, right? In order for this journey to be yours, you need to know yourself so that you can choose the right companion. Where will your journey be and with whom? It is useful to know the geography in which the journey will take place and who will be in the team. It is useful to be alert at all times!

El Mitra spoke once again and said: Well, Marriage, O master?

And he replied:

You were born together and you will be together forever.

You will be together in the hour when the white wings of death scatter your days.

Surely you will remain together even in God's silent memory.

>But let there be distances in your unity.

Let the winds of the sky dance between you.

Love each other, but let love not be a shackle between you:

Let love be a sea always waving between the shores of your souls. .

Fill each other's cups, but do not drink from the same cup.

Give each other your bread, but do not eat the same bread.,

Sing and dance and have fun together, but you two and be alone,

Like the strings of a lute that stand apart from each other even though they vibrate with the same melody.

Give your hearts, but do not accept each other's hearts.

Because only Your hearts are in the palm of Life.

Stand together, but do not cling to each other:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak and the cypress cannot grow in each other's shadow.

HALIL CIBRAN

 

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