The young woman burst into tears. There weren't enough words to describe the indescribable pain inside him. His sobs were already taking his breath away. Still, the few half-baked sentences he tried to say between the sobs he choked on reinforced his pain. The more he sobbed, the more he tried to explain, the more he tried to explain, the more he cried. Apparently, what he said was a few sentences like "Why, why did I go through this, it hurts me to be without him?" Tears were flowing down his cheeks and he was vomiting out what was inside him.
After he calmed down a little, his sentences became more understandable. One by one, he was telling about his abandonment, disregard, and worthlessness. He couldn't believe how he still wanted her, with the insults and the relentless treatment he treated her as if she were nothing, and how he missed the one who left him so much in the first second. His feelings were meaningless, but he was alive. His humiliation hurts him, but it couldn't be more than his loneliness and abandonment burning everything to ashes. It was as if his whole body was covered in wounds and bleeding, and he was trying to make sense of his feelings with a pale complexion, as if he had run out of blood. "From where?" Why did he pay so much for loving? He thought that the more he gave of himself, the more he would be loved, and felt exhausted, but he could not face it. Facing this reality would make him lose all his self-respect. She was finding the only way out to alleviate this fire, and that was to blame the one who left...
The feelings of a young woman after a breakup are described above. Whether a man or a woman, why does a person experience abandonment so intensely? There may be some situations where you find yourself in these writings. Separations and losses make everyone sad and can put them in a depressed mood. But if the reactions to separation are at the extremes of a bell curve, it should make us think. A person who makes crazy efforts even in case of abandonment, ignores himself, and tries to prevent abandonment with uncontrolled behavior is evaluated at one end of the bell curve. It is exactly the people at this extreme that I want to talk about in this article.
So, why this intense fear of abandonment and the crazy efforts to prevent it? What needs to be done for a person who experiences these intense, extreme emotions, no matter what part of his life he is in? It is the study of the early periods. For a toddler, his first steps are what he does for himself and what serves him to become an individual. But since the child is experiencing this for the first time, it is not possible for him to do it on his own. Walking is an action that is genetically required, and when we evaluate it psychologically, it is seen as separation from the mother (the caregiver). The child, who walks a few steps away, turns to the mother, just like a car getting gas, and looks into the mother's eyes and wants to receive that life energy in order to continue walking. Due to her own individual development situation, the mother subconsciously perceives the child's alienation from her as a danger and cannot give the child the life energy that the child needs. What should the child do? Here, the child who needs to get away but cannot get that light from the mother's eyes returns to the mother. If he takes one more step, he will not be able to get the life energy from the mother and this means psychological death for the child. Walking at the risk of dying is difficult for the child who experiences this for the first time. It was once settled in his mind that if he were to be himself, his mother would abandon him. When this child grows up and becomes a big person, the mental handcuff that he is not even aware of prevents him from being himself, he does not exist.
This is why a person's uncontrolled reactions to separation. When someone leaves, it means death. It means not being able to breathe. The situations and people he encounters in his adult life are mother-derived. In fact, he experiences his relationship not with that person under the conditions of that day, but with his mother, with feelings of abandonment in his mind.
The breakup of any relationship leads to feelings of depression, anger, fear, guilt, helplessness and emptiness in this person. A person who cannot stand these feelings of emptiness looks for actions that will numb himself. He tries to cover up those destructive feelings and feel good with various actions from one end of the spectrum to the other, such as throwing himself into the arms of another relationship, sexuality, drug and excessive alcohol use, binge eating, shopping, and sleeping.
These personality traits, which I am trying to explain in summary, cause the person to live his life with the handcuffs in his mind. Realizing this is the first step to take. What we call healing is the need to look into the eyes of the mother and mother derivatives in one's mind. It is possible to take other steps without complying. It will be something that strengthens a person to endure the destructive emotions that come after a breakup or after an action you have taken for yourself, as long as we can, without committing drug acts. As long as you realize the potential within you and enjoy living life on your own feet. Perhaps doing all of this is not as easy as what is written here. However, thinking about one's behavior and emotions and being patient will help one gradually realize and realize these potentials. If the actions you take on your own are not sufficient, consulting a specialist is an important way to step into a more qualified life.
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