Couples who decide to divorce may experience many difficulties during the divorce process. One of these difficulties is undoubtedly telling the children about the divorce decision and managing the divorce process in a way that does not harm the children. Because if these two dimensions are not managed well, it can seriously shake the mental health of children.
So, how should you tell the decision to the child and what approach should you take to manage the process in a healthy way?
The first thing you should consider when making the decision to divorce is the age of your child/children, in other words, according to their developmental period. perception capacities. Another issue is how the issues between the spouses were previously reflected on the child. If your children have witnessed all the problems experienced until the decision to divorce, it is not enough to express the decision to divorce with an appropriate approach, you also need to take into account the mental distress they may experience.
Psychosocial and mental development levels in childhood vary according to age. So the way you talk about divorce should be different depending on whether the child is old enough to understand it properly. In this sense, you should consider that the child's reactions to the divorce process will vary with age. For example; Children in the 3-6 age group, that is, the age we call "preschool period", cannot fully understand what divorce means. They may interpret divorce as meaning that one of their parents will leave their lives, that is, they will be abandoned. This is extremely frightening and psychologically traumatic for them. Children at this age may feel guilty about the decision to divorce. Many problems may arise, such as sleep and appetite disorders, thumb sucking, anxiety-related behaviors, bedwetting, irritability, and clinging more to the mother. According to research, the age period most affected by the divorce process in the preschool period is 5-6. Because this age range is the period when the child begins to form an identity and identifies with the opposite sex.
Children between the ages of 7-8 and adolescence, that is, up to the age of 12-13, can understand the meaning of divorce better than younger children. What does divorce mean, especially for 9-10 year olds and beyond? No difficulty is expected in understanding it. However, in this age group, the parents say, "We decided to divorce/separate." Unfortunately, understanding what they say does not finish the job; The real difficulty for them begins from now on. Children whose parents are separated at primary school age can experience a significant increase in their anxiety about the future. However, situations such as not being able to enjoy life, playing less, forgetfulness, distraction, decrease in school success, and sad mood may occur. In addition, children in this age group experience problems such as blaming the parent, feeling angry towards the parent who wants the divorce, and not fulfilling their responsibilities.
During adolescence, the child may move away from family and friends, isolate himself, or spend time with his circle of friends and lose his connection with home. can be reduced to a minimum level. This is an extremely risky way of turning to bad habits and being abused. As a result of the divorce, the adolescent child may feel powerless and hopeless, and may exhibit angry and rebellious behavior towards his/her environment. Another important point is that adolescents who go through an unhealthy divorce process may experience distortions in their sexual identities and depression that may even lead to self-harm.
It should not be understood that the problems expressed so far will definitely be experienced in every divorce. However, considering all these possibilities, it should be understood how vital it is to manage the process well. For example, it is obvious that parents constantly arguing and exposing the child to this environment of argument will not only make the divorce process more difficult for the child, but will also cause the problems we have emphasized above to be experienced more severely. For this reason, if couples who cannot get along decide to divorce after doing everything they can to save the marriage, they should not forget for a moment that this is their own problem, not their children's. In this context, they should not sacrifice their children to their own anger, avoid behavior that would draw their spouse to their side in order to punish them, and not be the slightest negligent in matters such as meeting their economic needs and meeting with them regularly. It is of great importance for the child's mental health.
There may be rare situations where divorce is not in the child's expectation at all. This may occur if couples are careful not to reflect the problems between them to the child. The child in such a family may experience shock and disbelief at this decision and try to stop his parents from making it. It would be beneficial for such families to plan some steps to prepare their children for the divorce process.
In light of this information, the basic approach to be taken when explaining the divorce decision to children may be as follows:
First of all, parents should explain their divorce decision to the child together. This explanation should be at a level that the child can understand according to his age. The child is only told that the marriage is over, the maternal and paternal relationships are not over, and that he will never be alone; It should be explained to him that he will be contacted regularly and that all his needs will be met just as before. It is very important to instill a sense of trust in the child, especially at a young age, when parents make statements together. Sentences such as "...We will not live together anymore because we do not get along with your mother/father, just like sometimes friends do not get along with each other and do not want to play together... But we will continue to be your mother and father..." will reduce the feeling of loss in the child. It is important that there are no question marks left in the child's mind. For example, it should be explained who he will live with and why, and what he thinks about this should be listened to. Issues such as how the process will proceed from now on, how the child can best create his new order if his school, neighborhood, house and room change, should be discussed in detail, he should be given the opportunity to ask all the questions in his mind, and uncertainties should be eliminated as much as possible.
Spouses who manage the divorce process well are aware that divorce is a decision related only to their own lives. For this reason, they do not even think of neglecting their sense of responsibility towards their children. They keep their children away from their own disappointments and anger towards their spouse. Consider that this process will not be easy for the child anyway. They never stop being supportive. They manage well the natural expectation that may arise in the child for the return of the mother and father. They explain this clearly without blaming each other. If there is no possibility of returning, they help the child "say goodbye" to this expectation by emphasizing in clear terms that reunion is out of the question, but they keep the child's hope for the future alive.
Such an approach will help both the couple and the child get through the divorce process with minimal damage.
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