The way to raise good children is to be good parents. We get a license to drive. But we don't receive training on how to be good parents. We apply the trial and error method without any knowledge.
Mothers and fathers learn to raise children in 3 ways:
1. Just like their own mothers and fathers. Those who act like their fathers: These mothers and fathers continue what they learned from their own families. They use the same language of communication with their children that their own mothers and fathers use. They exhibit the behaviors that their parents criticize. As time goes by, they behave like their parents. If they receive tolerance and love in their family, they will be tolerant parents towards their children. If he has experienced violence in his family, he may use violence against his child. We usually continue the language we have learned.
2.Those who act the exact opposite of their own parents: Those who do everything their child says, saying "I have suffered a lot, my child should never suffer", which he learned from his own parents. It is a parent model that behaves exactly opposite to the communication language.
3. Those who act by analyzing what they learned from their own parents: They are the parent model who can take the positive aspects of the communication language they learned from their family and change the negative aspects, think and research how I can raise the child correctly, and develop correct communication skills. .
Children are like wet cement. Everything that is said to them leaves a mark on them. Children learn from what they experience.
Therefore, what can we do to be good parents?
COMPLETE YOUR OWN CHILDHOOD STORY
A parent who is angry towards his own parents has difficulty communicating with his child. He cannot continue the communication pattern he does not know. He transfers the anger from his childhood to his child. Therefore, if we want to raise good children, we need to repair the child within ourselves.
BE A GOOD WIFE TO BE A GOOD MOTHER AND FATHER
When I started my career, I always wanted to be a child therapist. I wanted it.
My goal is Happy Child = Happy Adult = HappySociety. I thought I should be the one with this theory, but when I started working with children, I saw that there was something wrong with my theory. b with kids The sessions I have had have always been directed towards mothers and fathers. To me, happy couples were necessary for happy children.
The theory was as follows; Happy Mother and Father = Happy Couple = Happy Child = Happy Adult.
That's why I started working with couples in the new theory. Couples who communicate well with each other also establish happy relationships with their children.
THINK ABOUT HOW YOU WANT TO RAISE CHILDREN
Children are just like computers. As parents, we receive as feedback whatever we put into it. Raising children is just like the echo of life below; parents must do this first in order to create an echo of whatever we want to encounter in life.
ACCEPT YOUR CHILD AS AN INDIVIDUAL
Children. When they are born, they are born with certain character traits. First of all, parents should know well the characteristics of their children. They should try to make him look like the child of their dreams. He should not be placed in stereotypes such as being like me, being similar to me, or never having my negative characteristics. While your child is similar to the mother and father with some genetic characteristics, it is important to remember that they are born as very different individuals from you.
THE BEGINNING OF WISDOM IS LISTENING
Listening is about the emotions that words try to convey, It makes it possible to understand what children feel and experience, their perspectives and therefore the essence of their communication. Most mothers and fathers prefer to talk rather than listen. She constantly asks the child questions and advises him what to do. The child should look into his eyes and listen to him while he is talking. It is necessary to accept the child's feeling by saying, "I understand the feeling the child feels, thank you very much for sharing this feeling with me." Accepting means taking children's statements seriously and starting the dialogue in a respectful way.
JUST GIVING INFORMATION MAY NOT BE ENOUGH
If you don't know how to swim and they tell you about swimming for two hours. If I give you information, can you learn to swim? No, you have to get in the pool and practice over and over and get a lot of instruction. This is how children learn, too. Words help in learning, but they are not enough to impart knowledge. Sometimes practice must do. In order to gain correct behavior, a message that sets clear limits should be given. An example should be set, the child should be encouraged to repeat the behavior and encourage his efforts and development.
USED I LANGUAGE
The purpose of using I language is to understand what the child is doing at that moment. to influence them to change. It's often not enough to describe unacceptable behavior and tell them you're upset, sometimes angry, or disappointed about it. They need to know the reason for this.
The full me message includes the following;
1-Identification of unacceptable behavior
2-Emotion experienced by the parent
3 -Concrete impact on the parent
For example, I cannot both read the newspaper and play games with a child who constantly disturbs me while reading the newspaper and wants to play games. It should say: It makes me angry that I cannot rest and read the newspaper.
BORDERS SHOULD BE CLEAR AND UNDERSTAND
If the light turns yellow when you approach the traffic lights while driving and you have time to pass through the light. would you stop again?
Most adults don't do this. Children also cannot stop their misbehavior when they receive such signals. The same reason why adults don't stop at a yellow light is why children don't stop. Standing by is optional.
Most parents send wrong signals to their children to stop their misbehavior. They fail to see that the stop sign does not actually require stopping, and that no actually means yes or may. In most cases, the problem arises from unclear communication about boundaries.
WE SHOULD REMEMBER THAT THE MOST EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION WE HAVE WITH THE CHILD IS GAME
For children, play is a rehearsal for life. The most important sharing area we can establish with the child is play. When you play games with a child, your journey into his or her world begins. The child feels that he is cared for and valued. A common sharing area begins with his mother and father. It enables the child to cooperate with the mother and father. A child who feels accepted by his mother and father communicates well with his parents.
Every mother and father wants to be the best parent and raise the best children.
But we must not forget this; THERE IS NO PERFECT CHILD, THERE IS NO PERFECT MOTHER AND FATHER.
Mothers and fathers can make mistakes, like every human being. The important thing is to make mistakes that can be compensated for. Nothing that has love at its core is never completed by failure.
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