Painful emotions are temporary in nature. Unless we maintain and deepen them through ways such as avoidance and resistance, they will subside on their own over time. Therefore, the only way we can finally free ourselves from pain is to be with it 'as it is', 'as it is'. The only way out is to go through it.
Pema Chödrön calls the emotions and events that cause us pain and the inability to stay here and now 'ego'. The ego's response to the variable nature of human experience is insecurity. There are three wrong places we turn to to get rid of this state of unrest; pursuit of pleasure (relief from pain), numbness, and aggression. We either lose interest in what's going on around us or we hold on tightly. Unfortunately, our ego, this constant state of running away from what is unpleasant, does not direct us to the main source of our problems. Regarding this, Pema Chödrön's 'cocoon' example makes a lot of sense to me. When we feel threatened, we gradually shrink our space and boundaries and weave a cocoon for ourselves. We choose to live our lives in this cocoon because we are afraid; From our emotions, from what life can trigger in us, from what may happen to us... We take shelter in this narrow but safe space. If this avoidance strategy used by all living things worked, our attempt to get rid of this pain would surely result in happiness, trust and relief. We really relax for a while, thinking that our life in the cocoon protects us from possible threats and pain. However, as time goes by, we realize that this safe cocoon begins to cause us more pain by preventing us from experiencing the full extent of life and what it contains. So, while trying to escape from the pain outside, we get caught in the pain inside us. The price of our efforts to be safe is the whole life we miss outside. This state of shrinkage makes us increasingly weaker, the world becomes more frightening, and our emotions and thoughts become more threatening. I just said that the only way we can finally free ourselves from pain is to stay with it 'as it is', 'as long as it takes'. Especially when we learn to express our painful emotions through the healing power of self-compassion. If we can soothe with rhemi, we not only change our mental and emotional experience, we also change our body chemistry.
So, can you cope with painful experiences and emotions without creating a cocoon for yourself? Have you ever tried staying with all the pieces of your story, good and bad, in the here and now, accepting whatever experience life brings you, accepting the uncertainty and what you cannot control?
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