Now let's imagine a scenario like this...
The weather is very nice, the sun is warming you, you feel ready to make plans with your child today. You think that everything will go well, I feel good today and I can cope with any emotions that may come.
Everything seems ready, you have done your work, spare clothes are okay. You need to leave the house. Your child, who has been waiting next to you since he opened his eyes in the morning to go to the park, is nowhere to be seen. He is in his room, engrossed in a game and working seriously.
But you were going to go to the park?
Even though you said we had to go out now, I don't think your child heard you?
- But we had to go out. we need…
- ….
- Come on…
- No.
- But we have to go, you have to collect the toys immediately!
.
.
.
It happened that you were able to leave the house and arrive at the park. Everyone is having fun, the swings are full, children's voices are heard from the slide. Bucket, shovel, toys... Before leaving the house, of course, you have to face the situation of moving the house to the park... Just then you saw an empty swing, you turned to your child with joy and said "come on, let's go to the swings" and you saw the child playing in the park and saw his bucket and wanted to have that bucket. You heard him say “no, that's mine” to another child who wanted it. This scenario shouldn't have happened like this, now you said "that friend wants to play too, you can share his toys", thinking that something would definitely happen, but you had a worried expression on your face. At that moment, there are options such as your child tried to pull the toy, pushed the other child, hit the other child, or started crying loudly...
You repeated "But we have to share" and then you said "don't cry" and he did not delay in answering you with a cry in a higher tone. The eyes of the mothers around are on you...
However, the day had started so beautifully, wasn't everything for the happiness of your child?
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Now let's go back to the beginning and make a detailed analysis.
Your child is in the preschool period. He was in a period when the concept of self was fully developed and he was convinced that environmental situations were related to himself and he was living in the world. In an effort to get used to it. Mothers and fathers are the ones who love him most unconditionally, those who will accept him as he is, are actually acting with confidence in him.
So what happened in this scenario? Your child was not heard, your child was reacted even though he behaved in accordance with his developmental stage. However, if he had shared his toy well, no one would have thought: “Why does a child of this age share? Shouldn't he have shared it? Because he cannot know that if he does not share, he will hurt the other party's feelings... or that he should be tolerant... He cannot know that someone else will feel the same as he does. Besides, sometimes he needs so much to know how he even feels. He needs our support so much... The other day, we warned him that when a friend hits him, you should say "I don't like it". He needs to know boundaries. But didn't we just cross the line as parents? In fact, didn't we exceed our limits when we forced him out of the house in the morning (for his sake)? So it's for his own good, so he can play... Now we've forced him to do something he can't do, and he's crying because he can't do it, because he's sad... and he's right."
Your child is experiencing disappointment, anxiety, He/she will definitely experience emotions such as happiness and excitement. More complex, empathy will also experience feelings of guilt and shame. But we need to think about when and how these emotions will be experienced, at what ages they are expected, or how much of a share we have in these emotions in the situations we are in. Of course, there will be a time when you need to leave the house urgently. Then your child will experience anger, resentment, or frustration. As long as you allow and help him to experience his emotions, regulating these emotions will become easier as he gets older. But your child does not have to share, especially between the ages of 2-4. Most of the time, he doesn't have to comply with the plans you make for him. He does not have to understand the feelings of others, but he has the right to be understood by adults and to have these rights protected.
If you say, "My child is very aggressive, we have intense tantrums, sometimes we even think that he is stubborn with us" and this is If you think there is a problem, it's just a symptom It would be useful to point out that om. The frequency and duration of behaviors do not indicate the problem, but the symptoms are warning. That's why we'll look back at ourselves first. We will think about what we are doing as adults.
It is difficult to be objective about most issues regarding our loved ones and relatives, so if you think it is time to get support, you can contact an expert and get help in this process. . Getting support is not a waste of time, it is showing compassion to yourself and your loved ones.
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