We are not just giving up on the beautiful woman with blue eyes or the tall, handsome man. We are giving up a world of effort and a world of hope.
We are losing what we have learned through relationships, our maturation adventure that we live sometimes with love and sometimes with brokenness, our mirror in which we tire ourselves out, our doppelgänger with whom we have become so similar over time, our heroism and our hero. The one who makes us happy when we are a child, the one who doesn't sink when he tells us about our mistakes. That you are renewed when you hug, that you rest on your knees. We are losing the one who brings healing to pain, meaning to life, and the joy of living wholeheartedly. We are leaving the one who sees us in our simplest, weakest and most sublime state, the one who does not complain about what they see, the place where we can be our most ourselves, our private space.
With his absence, everything begins to fade, whether it is summer or autumn, the air becomes heavy, despite the big smile we wear and the joy of life, a gloom settles in our hearts. The smell of coffee, the taste of fried potatoes, sunlight, friendly conversation, successes and celebrations are always missing. Even shopping is not enjoyable because even the clothes we like in stores are crooked. It is full of memories, it sinks into the city, market stalls, bus stops, the wrap shop on the corner, billboards, the checkout line at the market, all the frequented places, everywhere that reminds us of your togetherness, our steps wander. A smell, a song, a sound, a color call to our thousands of accumulated ordinary memories, as if saying "there is no after".
As we said; It is not just a woman or a man that we decide to leave behind, we are tearing two lives apart into a whole.
Is it worth it to cope with the grief of so many losses, to fill the deep gaps, to suppress the pain of separation? Isn't it true that life goes on with missing things and losses, and if it falls to us to repair this share, we should look again at what will be left behind along with it. He should think again.
IS BREAKING UP THAT EASY?
Life has not always been easy. Nowadays, intolerance of difficulties and bsp; When alternative solution possibilities were added, it made values and valuables more quickly expendable. It is so easy to raise children and let them live as soon as possible, to give up on friendships and neighbors when it is not in our interest, and to bring our relationships to the point where they break down. However, every person and every event we encounter in life is included in our story as our guest and is a means for us to mature. Because man is known through man.
Our spouses are also like this; even in cases where we say we met by chance and got married, we have an unconscious choice. The partner we choose is often a choice we make based on the beliefs found in our first schemas formed in childhood, that is, the maps we draw from the attitudes of our parents and those around us, and whether the primal needs of that period are satisfied or not. For this reason, if we are lucky, marriage is a hospital where we mutually repair all our childhood traumas and move forward.
But most of the time, the opposite happens, when we cannot read and evaluate this process correctly, things get worse and we make each other worse. It traumatizes and hurts so much, it makes us bleed. The fantasy bubble we have created in our minds about what the other party should be like deflates and is filled with real disappointment. The other party is difficult, unsympathetic, selfish or incompatible.
However, the reason why we attract such a personality into our lives is the directive "this is the best for me" stemming from our subconscious root beliefs. We are coded to have a character similar to our father or mother, or if we do not find it consistent, the opposite. Now we are with the person we imagined.
Meanwhile, we cannot take ourselves into account enough, most of the time, we are not aware of such deep considerations. And we start to fight. We act with the only unreasonable calculation in life: "I have to change it". However, the only thing we can change is ourselves. As we change and develop, our emotions, behaviors and the energy we radiate around change, and naturally, everything and everyone around us changes form, becoming more responsive to our frequency. It becomes one.
Both parties see the relationship as a means of escaping from the fire, that is, all the negativities of the past, and as a means for the partner to close all the missing gaps so far and ensure their own happiness forever. It is expected to be voluntary. We have thrown the lid on the family institution, now the idea that the system should work on its own with the efforts of the other takes over. Since the equation is wrong from the beginning, the expected area of peace and happiness never occurs. Because what is expected is only the reward. However, a relationship is a system that can continue to live when the costs and rewards are in balance.
And the second illusion is the idea that "we love, love takes care of everything", and although love is the greatest power, it needs to be processed. . With effort, interest, altruism, sacrifice, tolerance, understanding, patience, respect... Just as we complete the difficult medical education and do not have fun in the office, we work and develop, just as we do not hang the gold bullion around our neck and transform it into an aesthetic form with fine workmanship, we also love spiritually, psychologically, physiologically, sociologically. We must turn it into a tool that helps us meet our needs, develop and realize ourselves.
The third illusion is the laziness of "whatever I see in my family is enough for us", which means that past experiences are of no use to us except for the positive characteristics and values of the past. naughty. This is just convenience. Because building a new one is difficult. The reason for this is the lack of knowledge and effort.
All these attitudes of "I let myself go to the pasture, to my God's favor", "my name is Hi, this is what I can do", "my ego is more valuable than my relationship", create a chaotic situation. It leaves the relationship in a cycle. When the parties who avoid making an effort or fuel the fire with unconscious effort reach the breaking point, they remain weak in their rescue moves with the same attitude. Thus, one submits to separation as if it were destiny.
And then what?
Then, surely, a life of roses, understanding partners, and a journey full of rewards awaits no one. We came to this world to learn and reach perfection. It's the safest way we can do this. and our equally challenging center is the family. The meaning and taste of maturing and progressing together through our responsibilities, attitudes and sharing here are priceless.
So first, we must stop the war and say, "There is no winner in the relationship, even if you win, you lose, even if you lose, you lose." We must calm down with awareness. If we can look at everything that is going on through the system, not through the ego, we will stop the bleeding by not personalizing it and using our energy to fulfill responsibilities rather than to protect or defend.
Then, of course, we need to get to know ourselves closely by holding a mirror to ourselves first. , we must be mutually willing to repair the system by trying to see the other party and other family members from their own subjective world. Both humans and relationships are living mechanisms that are learned, transformed and developed. And every relationship deserves this effort, as well as a new chance…
Let's learn, let's heal, let's move forward. Let's give this chance to our relationship by seeking expert support at a point where we cannot cope. Separation is definitely a solution, and it means moving from a place where possibilities are exhausted to a livable place. If we have done everything we can with a conscious attitude and the point we have reached is separation, we should look for ways to get out of here in the healthiest way. Stories are valuable. But people and their dignity are more valuable than stories.
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