* No one starts a relationship with the intention of ending it, but why do relationships, conditions and people usually become very different from when they started?
Although there are many different reasons for this situation, the most basic one is that people do not know themselves well, and therefore, how does the person find the right person for them? I can say that it stems from the fact that you have no idea what will happen. When you decide to let a person into your life, when that person's physical attraction to you is a sufficient reason to start a relationship, when you start a relationship without having any idea about the harmony between you, your chances of making the relationship work are left to chance. While it is very understandable that this is the case in the first relationship experience, if the only criterion of a person who has had at least a few relationship experiences is to feel physical attraction, that person has not learned the things he needs to learn about himself in relationships. The relationship established with each individual (friend, lover, parent, sibling, etc.) creates a valuable opportunity for people to get to know themselves. In relationships, what is good or bad for a person, what their needs are, what they like or dislike are determined.
Knowing yourself well is the best gift you can give yourself in this life. Because when you know yourself well, you will be happy with your life decisions. This does not mean that you will never make a wrong decision. Making wrong decisions is also part of the journey of knowing yourself. However, unfortunately, many people do not even feel the need to know themselves. Or when he feels it, he may find himself in his 40s or 50s, and even feeling the need to know himself at that age is valuable. However, many people may feel like they are late for everything when they reach that age. Don't worry, it's never too late. Whenever you feel the need to know yourself, that is the right time to get to know yourself.
The reason why this need is felt late is because society has already determined the needs for people. Really think about it: “Is this life you are living your life?” or “Is it the life that society has prepared for you?
Society has established a system based on the need for order and security, not for happiness, but people spend years thinking that happiness is in this order. That's why people make money One must have a good job, get married for a stable life, buy a house and a car to feel secure, and then have children. Isn't that approximately the order everyone follows? If you make these choices because you really want to and if your decisions make you happy, everything is fine. However, if you feel that something is missing and this situation makes you unhappy, ask yourself, "Is this your path?" I suggest you think again. If not; Are you ready to take a journey inside yourself and get to know yourself, to find your own path?
At this point, it would be useful to add this. Let's say we know ourselves now and know our needs, this does not mean that we will never change. Knowing oneself is a lifelong adventure. A person's priorities, what they care about, and what they like may change. In this regard, we must be understanding, first of all towards ourselves and then towards our relatives.
Speaking of change, another very important point that makes relationships very different from when they started is; It occurs because people do not honestly convey their interests and needs to the other party. People generally don't do this consciously. This isn't like lying. They think that they are making small sacrifices with good intentions for someone they love very much. At the beginning of the relationship, they are willing to do anything with the person they love because they want to spend time with them. From watching a movie he doesn't like for his girlfriend, to doing sports to be together even though he doesn't like it, or eating a food he doesn't like, and many other little things! These always seem like small sacrifices. "There's no need to make a big deal, dear, it doesn't matter what we do once we're together." they think. Because they love so much at that moment. “Love ultimately requires sacrifice. Isn't it?" Because society told us this. He also said, "If you are doing a favor, don't mention it." These are thought patterns that are ingrained in the minds of many people. Of course, maintaining a relationship requires sacrifice, but the relationship requires knowing yourself and the other person first. Sacrifice made unspoken at the beginning of a relationship is a situation that harms the relationship, even if it is well-intentioned. Because the individual in the relationship is faced with the situation for which sacrifice is made. He/she will think that your behavior is a personality trait of his/her lover. Then the individual who makes sacrifices will gradually begin to reveal himself during the relationship process. The time for this can vary greatly depending on the person. While some begin to reveal themselves after a few months, some make sacrifices for years because "Sacrifice is made for the beloved and should not be expressed." He has a thought in his mind. When this is the case, he doesn't even think of telling this to his girlfriend. His girlfriend thinks that everything is great in the relationship and that they are a very harmonious couple. Then, one day, the person who made the sacrifice begins to express his own needs and desires. The unaware side says, “How so! This is not you. "We were very compatible, you changed." says. In fact, no one has changed, on the contrary, there is a lover who has returned to his essence, and has done everything for him without letting him know. But you lost the chance to know him as he is. I think this is one of the biggest mistakes made.
So if you choose to do something you don't like for your lover, share this with your lover so that he or she knows that you are doing it because you love him, but what you would actually prefer. Otherwise, she will continue to think that you two are very compatible until you reveal yourself. This is one of the worst things you can do for your relationship.
*So, is it necessary to be compatible for a happy relationship?
Everything It is not necessary to be compatible in this regard. However, it is important to be at a certain level of harmony in your perspective on life, the value you place on family, friendship, sexuality and many other issues. At this point, knowing yourself well comes into play. “Which issues are more important to you?” When you know this, you need to look for harmony in those priority issues in the person who will enter your life. Otherwise, individuals with different perspectives start to have problems. Both parties may have difficulty understanding each other's point of view. If you are compatible with the issues you prioritize and can be flexible and respect your lover in other matters, you can maintain a very happy relationship.
However, "If he loves, he will adapt to me." If you have a thought pattern like this, you don't like yourself when you don't fit in. You will think about this and this will become a problem that pushes you further away from the relationship. Ask yourself this: "Would you give up the thing that matters most in your life because you love it?"
* Which mistakes in marriage cause permanent damage to the relationship?
Situations that cause permanent damage can vary greatly from person to person. When something is done that goes against the primary values of the person in the relationship, it can be very difficult for the person to forgive and repair the relationship. But while these mistakes can be cheating for one person, it can be violence for another person, and a single bad word spoken to their family for another person. At this point, it is necessary to make an effort to know your spouse well. Knowing very well what he values and respecting his essentials makes the relationship happier and more peaceful. At the same time, you need to help your spouse get to know you very well and give your spouse the opportunity to know your priorities and essentials.
Many people say, “My wife never talks or explains anything. “I don't understand what happened.” can say. His wife said, “He needs to understand that everything is clear. We have been married for all these years, can he still not understand me?” can say.
We all have a window through which we look at the world, and we all have different windows. That window may be the only reality visible to you. But you see completely different things from your spouse's window! Therefore, carefully explain to your spouse what you see when you look out of your window every day, so that he can understand you, and your spouse can tell you what he sees from his window and try to understand. Thus, you will see that you begin to understand each other better day by day. Sometimes what appears from two windows is very similar, while sometimes what appears from two windows is very different. No matter which perspective you look at, you can see that your relationship deepens as long as you make an effort to understand your partner.
* Does being too compatible and saying yes to everything wear out the relationship?
When a person constantly adapts to his/her partner and says yes to everything, it may initially create a feeling of how well compatible we are in the other party. However, you do this not because you really feel like it, but just to be compatible. After a while, the person inside you will rebel. Then, it is inevitable that the spouse will say to the other party that you have changed, which is the situation I mentioned before. Because a person has a hard time pretending to be someone he is not, and when he reaches the last drop of his patience, he will start to act like himself. This will cause the relationship to wear out. At this point, "Are you going to make an effort to maintain the relationship?" This is where the process of getting to know each other comes into play. Or will you think that you have been deceived and give up?
* Can skin harmony and sharing in the bedroom alone save the relationship?
This question is in my mind like Gottman. It brought to light something Julie Gottman said while I was training in Couples Therapy. As far as I remember, he said: “If there is chemical compatibility between couples, the chances of saving the relationship are quite high.”
However, the relationship is a very comprehensive formation. Sexual harmony is just one of the components that make up a relationship. I can say that if sexual harmony is among the priority values for individuals in a relationship, the chance of saving the relationship is higher. However, if one of the spouses behaves contrary to a priority value of his/her spouse, sexuality alone may not be enough to save the relationship.
It is a common situation that individuals with skin compatibility often decide to separate and cannot break away from the relationship. If we look at it from this perspective, they have a higher chance of feeling emotional intensity towards each other, as they are drawn to each other even when they have problems. This can be seen as an advantage for them.
Because many individuals may have difficulty remembering the good things they have experienced and their feelings about them as a result of their negative experiences. This often leads to the thought that the relationship is not worth the effort. For those with skin compatibility, the chance to see at least one positive aspect of the relationship can enable them to work hard for that relationship. However, skin harmony alone does not save the relationship.
* Well, whatever the problem, there are factors that can bring the relationship to the level of recovery.
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