As parents, being able to establish partnerships, take responsibility and assume the role of parenting is very important in terms of providing a healthy family environment to your children. Every parent knows the importance of this, they want to achieve this goal, but anger, outbursts of anger, overflows of patience, fatigue in life can upset all balances.
In many families, the COVID-19 outbreak has made things even more difficult. Nearly all parents doubled the time they spent on chores. Schools moved home. There were mandatory changes in the areas of responsibility. Especially housewife mothers experience the tiring consequences of this balance problem quite often. Taking care of children all day, dealing with their needs, behaviors and emotions, trying to set rules, of course, brings both physical and mental fatigue at the end of the day. Working father, who is not at home all day, may prefer not to take any responsibility when he returns home. Or, she can say 'yes' to the mother's 'no' during the day in order to satisfy her longing and have a good time with her child. Rules can change. This unjust distribution puts the burden of the parent on one side and the child is faced with a nervous, unhappy and tired mother and an indifferent father. This is not an unchangeable process. It is up to your spouse and you to decide on change and restore order. What can be done?
1-Build a business partnership.
One day, a magic wand won't come and end all parental inequalities in your family. The key to this change is in the hands of both you and your spouse. As parents, you should see yourself as business partners running a family. The flow may change, the areas of responsibility may change, but parenting is your unchanging reality. There should always be a fair distribution in your distribution of duties. Sometimes, one of you will do more than the other to keep things on track. The next hour/day/week/month or year will reverse the situation. Therefore, making decisions based on change will help you best maintain your partnership and maintain balance.
2-Speak out loud how you feel.
Parents are not just While they may not consciously approve of the idea that it is 'women's work', they often do. But to the child All matters are the responsibility of both the mother and the father. To gain this awareness, couples need to talk about how they feel.
What partners say to each other, "I want you to do more." or "I want you to have more respect for my rule." Such statements will remain ambiguous. Instead, express your feelings using self-blame language: "I feel overwhelmed by trying to make dinner every day" or "I feel stressed because I always have to keep track of the kids' homework." Sharing feelings will speed up your solution. Then suggest some solutions to each other: "I need you to help the children with their homework on certain days." Talking about your solutions will strengthen your communication with your spouse and nurture your parenting roles.
3-One make a to-do list.
Let's compare your parenting roles and all your responsibilities to running a family business. You must determine what it takes to run this business. This company has a budget. How a commercial company has a financial budget If it prevents overspending, the materialization of parental duties also prevents overburdening.Every person thinks that the other is doing more than he realizes.So a fair distribution of duties will prevent domestic tensions.
Cooking on your to-do list, Besides obvious tasks like paying bills, you should add more behind-the-scenes tasks like managing screen time, keeping track of distance learning class hours. While it may not seem like a tangible responsibility, you should discuss with your spouse anything that is actually a "mental burden" for you.
4-Do what you are good at.
To the to-do list you have prepared. You should talk about your personal comments. For example; "I like doing this", "I can do this, but I need help." Sharing honest feelings such as "I hate doing this" or "I hate doing this" will help you to have a healthier and more accurate task sharing. For each item, the parent who can best do this should be a volunteer. This will prevent loss of time for intervention, and it will help every parent take part in what they can achieve.
The plan you have prepared may not be stable. Of course, your life flow, feelings and thoughts can change. You can reconsider your plan and change tasks according to your spouse's routine or mood at that time.
Schedule a 5-week meeting.
Schedule a parent meeting to review your to-do list and make new arrangements on a day and time you and your spouse have jointly determined. Innovations in your planning every week can facilitate the management of your 'family business'. This meeting should be just like an important meeting in your workplace that you should not miss. You should care, remember, and be at your meeting on time. This parent meeting should not be a meeting where all the details are discussed at length, tensions and accusations are experienced. The most practical and functional will be to talk about the emotions behind crisis moments and voices during the week and to deal with mistakes. Trying to talk and voicing complaints as soon as the problem is experienced can create a crisis. Instead, you should discuss the topic when you are calm and out of the moment, at your weekly meeting.
Expert Clinical Psychologist DİLARA SAYAR
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