CHEERING, CHEATING PROBLEM AND COUPLES THERAPY
Feeling the feelings and behaviors that are felt and felt special to the partner physically or emotionally to someone else and consciously developing this weakens the strength of the relationship and creates parallel forces. It can destroy what makes a relationship special. If this continues secretly more than once, it causes infidelity.
There is no common definition that fully defines cheating. However, we can say whether cheating has occurred or not based on the criteria that create the feeling of being cheated on.
Why Was I Cheated?
The problem of cheating is more common in people who are dependent on each other than in people who liberate each other. Dependent people cause their problem to grow over time. A person who cannot solve the problem during the relationship and who cannot end the relationship becomes inclined to cheat and does this when the conditions are met.
Cheating in Marriages
Problems in marriage and the chronicity of these problems over time result in cheating. The problems begin to legitimize the reasons for illegitimate attitudes in his conscience. Here are some of the problems seen within the family;
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Restricting the other party's freedom and dominant attitudes and behaviors.
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Not sharing the responsibility. Blaming the other party when there is a problem.
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Sexual reluctance or dissatisfaction
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Excessive selfishness and behaviors that ignore the needs of the other party become permanent. to bring.
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Getting married because he had to, not because he really wanted to.
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Love of power.
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Paying attention to the children, not the relationship, and cutting off the things that feed the relationship.
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Incompatibility of characters in the relationship and progression of psychological problems.
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Growing up in an unsafe family environment with separated parents.
Why Do Married Men Cheat?
The most common situations I encounter based on the cases I encounter in family and couples therapies. “Sexual dissatisfaction and feelings of adventure”. Increasing socioeconomic level I can also consider it as an escape from problems and responsibilities. On the one hand, a married man does not want to disrupt his current order (children, home order, relatives and mutual friendships) and chooses to cheat with people with whom he will not risk it. Since he cannot see sexuality, cheating may slip.
As long as the cheater is not caught, he continues the behavior, always thinking about the consequences; but it cannot overcome the inner conflict.
Why is it Difficult to End Relationships?
The basis of all fears lies in the "fear of loss". A person who realizes that he will lose sometimes loses himself and ceases to be himself. Lack of self-confidence, fear of being alone, worthlessness, revenge, etc. Instead of ending the marriage, emotions move towards destroying oneself and the person in the relationship.
The Period When the Risk of Cheating May Occur
With pregnancy, postpartum depression and the birth of the child, the man's attention Being out of focus makes it easier for the sexual impulse attacks inherent in the man to lead to the cheating process.
Types of Cheating
Cheating may not necessarily be physical, emotional and mental cheating can also harm the relationship. gives. In today's conditions, there are 4 types of deception methods:
Virtual Cheating:
While it is not possible to enter someone's house without permission, you can easily infiltrate their emotions and existing mental conversations through a window opened on the computer. You can progress your relationship as much as the other party allows, assuming that you do not risk it at all. Just like falling in love with a character in a novel you read, you can find a response to your different feelings and drag them to the point you want.
Emotional Cheating:
Unhappiness in your marriage and the value it deserves. Thinking about what you cannot see causes the mind to remove the boundaries, dream and begin to experience the emotions it needs with others. Even if he cannot realize it physically, this resource he finds will satisfy him emotionally and at least make it easier for him to feel better. Women prefer this method more than men.
Sexual Cheating:
Perfect Even if you have a solid sexual relationship, the desire for difference or greater satisfaction will wink at other relationships. Emotions such as achievement, ambition, freedom and self-confidence are realized in this way. The fact that it is prohibited increases its appeal even more. The pleasure that can be seen and felt in limited moments rather than what is at hand every day gives a higher sense of satisfaction. While men have sexual intercourse without prioritizing emotions in such relationships, women begin to become attached to the person with whom they have sexual intercourse.
Flirting:
There is no name in the image. It covers behaviors that start with liking but have not turned into expression and can be considered as flirting in a sense. Since there is nothing concrete, most do not accept this as cheating.
What Does a Marriage Therapist (Couple Therapist) Do in a Cheating Case?
In cases of cheating, ending the relationship with emotional and reactive decisions may be a hasty and unhealthy decision. The problem does not end with separation; sometimes it gets worse. The feeling of being deceived never ends, and trust in a new relationship sometimes does not come for years. Feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and worthlessness cannot repair themselves over time. Sincere but amateur opinions of friends and relatives do not constitute a quality solution to the current situation.
10 Point Suggestions from a Marriage Therapist?
A marriage therapist is someone's request. If it happens by dragging the other one, it won't work very well. You have now become a party and you want your current question to be viewed and evaluated from a third perspective, so you can search for an expert that both parties can trust.
The cheater denies this or considers it a problem. If he does not see it, then there is not much the marriage therapist can do. If this risk has occurred and there is no remorse or a sincere effort to fix the situation, the things that can be done as a couple will decrease and you may have to continue the therapy program alone.
Keeping what you feel to yourself or doing this Blaming the other party based on your feelings and holding them to account is the most harmful thing you can do.
If you share the situation with third parties without even talking about it or taking advantage of opportunities for reconciliation, both parties will share this situation. You can make it even more difficult for the party.
There is a saying "Every problem is an opportunity". Of course, I can understand you not seeing this situation as an opportunity. However, I think it's still an opportunity to focus on what you've learned from it, and if you miss that opportunity, after a while you'll wonder, "Why do these things always happen to me?" So you may have to. The person who has been deceived should not always look for the blame on himself.
Even if you ask yourself where I made a mistake, it is not right to devalue yourself by asking these questions. Cheating may not necessarily be related to your marriage, and may even be 100% caused by your spouse's characteristics (upbringing, understanding, value judgments, etc.). That's reason enough. If you can prove this, the law imposes a criminal penalty on both the cheater and the person who caused it (the third person).
Emotional and physical difficulties experienced after cheating may require you to get support. Trying to solve this on your own, drinking alcohol, using sleeping pills or numbing aids will invite bigger problems.
If you, as the cheater, expressed remorse and a sincere apology and re-started your relationship. If you have given the opportunity, you may have to be patient for a long time to regain trust. It is inevitable that your whereabouts, your phone will be tampered with, and the consistency of your behavior will be monitored.
These situations will help you recognize the weak aspects of your marriage and personality and create an opportunity to improve them, rather than rushing the situation and calming down. Consider time. But if you always think the same things and cannot stop yourself from doing this, get help from a therapist.
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