Did you know that children whose fathers are interested in their academic lives are more successful in school life? Well, as the father-child interaction increases, the child's mathematical intelligence and vocabulary increases... But what about the fact that the father is more effective than the mother in identity development?
I gave a separate session to the parents of a seven-year-old client. While the mother was so willing and voluntary, the father was nervous and found the reason for coming to be meaningless. I started meeting with the family by asking them to tell a little about themselves. I wanted them to talk about their own families, their own childhoods, and the attitudes of their own parents. Suddenly, the father, who had not spoken until then in the session: "How so, we brought our child here, why are we talking?" ' She interrupted. And I said to them: "That's right, you brought your child here; “I am also curious about your childhood, the child within you, and I want to talk.” I replied. The father stared with an angry expression and stated that he had come to the psychologist for the first time and that he was very nervous. As a therapist, I was aware of the father's tension and was curious about the underlying reason for this tension.
I explained the process a little more to the family, and as the father relaxed, I started to get information about his childhood and his parents. Father; He said that his mother was a very dominant woman and his father was just as passive. He said that he always played a shy role towards his mother; She stated that she was very cruel to her own mistakes, which is why she was often unable to express herself. When he said that his father's presence and absence were the same, he was actually revealing his anger towards his father. As he was telling, the words started to get stuck and his eyes filled with tears. I was aware that he was trying hard not to cry. I told her she could leave herself alone, and if she wanted to cry, she could leave herself alone. Thereupon, the father suddenly let go of himself, and when his wife reached out to him, he felt even more intense emotions and started to cry.
In fact, the father answered himself why he came to therapy. Who told him that a man's emotions should always be hidden and kept under control? Maybe no one said it, but it was a strong belief he learned in his childhood. There were words: ''I shouldn't make mistakes'' and ''I should hide my feelings'' .
Parents who bring their children to therapy for self-confidence actually find out where they can support their children. They saw where they were and where they were not. When we bring our children to therapy, we actually bring our own childhood with us. Of course, we sometimes have resistance, but the important thing is that we can break this resistance.
Men don't cry! Especially fathers never cry!
Growing up in a patriarchal society enables men to have a "strong, non-crying, durable" attitude. In fact, strength and endurance; It is achieved by expressing one's emotions and letting them be free. Men's crying, being fragile or emotional does not make them weaker, on the contrary, it makes them stronger and more sincere.
Psychotherapy and treatment processes, which have become important especially in recent years, attract interest from families. Although men's reluctance to engage in emotional processes (therapy resistance) is quite high, this resistance has been decreasing in recent years.
Fathers who are invited to the sessions have difficulty in coming to the sessions because they feel that they will be blamed or criticized. We often encounter fathers who bring up thoughts such as "What if they find me wrong, what if I am blamed, what if I am a bad father, or what if I reveal my shortcomings when explaining myself."
Remember, fathers are the most precious of children... Self-confidence and identity development. We can never ignore the role of fathers in their children's lives. A good father is not a faultless father. A good father; He is a father who makes mistakes, can forgive himself despite his mistakes, heal himself with tolerance and show compassion towards his child's mistakes.
I don't know if the father in the case I just shared will come to the next session, but his involvement in such a difficult process and us I thank him for his support. My advice to all fathers: “If you have wounds in the past, before healing them; It is very difficult to contribute to your child without embracing your pain. Let people call you crazy, let those around you react to you for coming to therapy. These Sometimes we need to ignore all of them and take the first step for our own development and for our children..."
Remember; Maybe the problem is not with the child within us, but with the parent within us.
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