This was the case before we got married. I couldn't bear him being away from me even for a few days. It was always a problem for him to go to his family or make plans with his friends. He says that this situation is now tiring our relationship. The weird thing is, I started having problems with my best friend, too. He canceled the last two plans we made together. He always has excuses, but I think he doesn't want to meet me. I am both very sad and angry... As if one day everyone will leave and I will be alone. I think that's my biggest fear. I close my eyes and go back to my childhood home for a few seconds. I'm five or six years old. I'm wearing my red dress, my hair is braided as always, there are tears in my eyes... Little me, taking shelter behind my mother's legs, watching my father leaving us alone. I want to say, I want to say don't go, but I can't. The last thing I remember is a deep feeling of loneliness
as the blue gate of the garden closed in the early morning hours. A guest comes to me and never leaves.
If you are afraid that the people you love will leave you and if you feel lonely and have problems in your emotional relationships, one of the reasons for this experience is the "abandonment" schema... This schema tells you that from the moment you feel the commitment in your relationships, you will eventually be abandoned. It tells you that you will be abandoned, people will move away from you, and you will experience loneliness again and again. Our childhood does not have to be perfect in order for us to become adults who adapt well to life, but we see that positive effects emerge when it is "good enough". The answer to the question of what a child needs for his development actually lies in a number of universal needs that every human being needs to be met. A child primarily needs to feel safe, autonomy, self-esteem, self-expression, realistic boundaries, and connectedness with others. If these are met, the child's psychology progresses healthily. If it is missing; Early maladaptive schemas formed by the damaging effect of these unmet needs develop throughout life. These are our core beliefs about ourselves that are difficult to change.
They are self-destructive patterns that begin in childhood and repeat throughout life. One of them is "abandonment". schema… Since it is formed in the early stages of life, it leaves strong emotional effects when triggered. You have a tendency to cling on to people you love because you're afraid of emotional abandonment. You want these people to always be consistent and available to you and meet your expectations. You experience the slightest disruptions in your relationships as abandonment. You experience imbalance with the thought that you will lose them. However, it is also possible for you to choose partners and friends who are inconsistent in their behavior, who will leave you emotionally lonely in the relationship, who act indecisive about you, and who do not want a long-term commitment. So the prophecy becomes self-fulfilling and you will most likely have established relationships that you cannot commit to and will experience loneliness. While you are very afraid of being abandoned, being abandoned is inevitable in your relationship with these people. One of the consequences of the “abandonment” schema is abandonment. You create the situation you fear yourself. You leave your loved ones and experience the same result again. Afterwards, you feel intense anger and think about how comfortable you are without your relationship. There is no longer any abandonment anxiety because there is no relationship or attachment. What is the basis of the "abandonment" schema that creates such intense emotions? One of the reasons may be temperament, and another is being separated from your parents. Your mother or father may have left home, deprived you of their attention and love even if they were at home, and showed instability in their behavior. Additionally, your parent may have been overprotective of you and prevented you from developing ways to cope with life's challenges. Instead of risking being left alone while struggling with your schema, try to be alone and tolerate it. Try not to choose spouses and friends who display conservative and unstable attitudes. When you find people who connect, trust them. Try to accept that they may not always be available to be with you. Don't let it be your fate to be crushed under the unbearable lightness of abandonment.
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