“He really doesn't make any noise, he adapts quickly”, “I talked to him and he didn't react, so there is no problem”, “He obeys everything, there is no problem”, “I talk on your behalf and handle it”, “He does whatever we say, We don't have any problems" …
The eyes always see the ones who are more "angry", the ones who are more "combative", the ones who are more "quarrelsome", the ones who are more "showing themselves"... but the ones who "adapt" very quickly, " Why do we delay in seeing the words "whatever you say, let it be", "it doesn't matter to me" or "I can comply with anything"?
Why do we say "I am aware of the situation and I know I need help, I just don't know how to express it" We label those who give the signal as "angry", "angry", "aggressive", but we are late to hear those who secretly do it more silently (that is, those who actually have difficulty in doing so) and we see the attitude of "he is so calm, he doesn't even make a sound" as a healthy one?
Because we don't know the difference between conforming and obeying. Especially in the past, there is a whole generation that was "unheard of", "blocked" and "suppressed" in early childhood and has carried the traces of this to the present... Because we are in such a deep-rooted system that we find ourselves "imposed" on us in the dimension of "normality" and "abnormality". We evaluate it this way. We set certain norms and ignore the importance of personality, temperament, thoughts and desires, focusing on “what will people say?” But unfortunately, the number of people who have a gap between their wishes and thoughts, the life they live and their behavior is increasing day by day. People who constantly live to make others happy, who postpone their wishes, who have difficulty saying "I have feelings too, see me too"... People who cannot be themselves, who cannot be "me". Who are you? People who cannot start their questions with “I…”, people who define themselves with their relational ties or roles in life, “… I am your spouse, …. Those who identify with their profession such as "I am your brother" or "I am a doctor", "I am a psychologist", "I am a lawyer"...
Most of the time we ignore our feelings, we distract ourselves in order not to hear our inner voice, we are embarrassed, we are blamed, We stop conveying our own feelings and thoughts, thinking "don't let anything happen" , maybe decisions were always made for us in our childhood, maybe when our name was asked and we did not want to say it, it was said on our behalf, maybe when we did not want to play, we were forcibly told "but our friend wants to play", or our toy was forcibly taken away from us and we were not given the opportunity to say no, or in response to "no" but very much. We got the answer that it's shameful... somehow we coded obedience as being compliant. And the most thought-provoking thing is that we believed that this was healthy.
I would especially like to share a quote from Winnicott in Nihan Kaya's book "There is No Good Family"; "Adults confuse obedience with growing up; however, obedience is the child's greatest immorality."
And it should not be forgotten that the traces of heavy responsibilities such as obedience, especially given in childhood, are much more severe in adulthood. It returns to us as a burden...
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