Marriage is one of the most important turning points in life. With this beginning, the responsibilities of the couple begin to increase, which may lead to disagreements and even divorce in the future. Stating that realistic goals should be determined before marriage, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Marriage is a long journey. "If you are going without a goal, you can say 'I gave up, I am returning' in a small crisis," he said.
Üsküdar University Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said that it is very important for couples to determine their goals when starting marriage.
Underlining that people who plan to leave when they get bored do not understand the essence of marriage, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Such a person leaves marriage to crisis. He lets the other party down, and there is no trust in this type of marriage. The most important bond in marriage is the bond of trust. In order for a bond of trust to be formed, the feeling of "My spouse will be with me in good times and bad times" must be created. In other words, he should be able to easily turn his back to his wife. Therefore, if someone with whom he can struggle in life and whom he thinks will always be by his side does not give this feeling; He only gives love but thinks about his own interests. "If he loves her physical appearance, money and rank, these marriages are conditional marriages," he said.
Couples must have the "spirit of marriage"
Underlining that couples should have the spirit of marriage, Tarhan continued his statements with the following words: “For example, when we say 'constitutional spirit', we mean the social contract in the constitution. In other words, it is a contract between the governed and the ruler in society, and this constitutes its soul. Marriage is such a contract. For example; Couples become overwhelmed with responsibility and sometimes pressure begins to build between couples. This is the age of individuality, so we have to respect everyone's individuality. If you try to impose your individuality on someone else, this means ego swell. The price of this is being alone.”
Complementarity, not competition, is important in marriages
Marriages are important between women and girls. – Pointing out that it has turned into a men's competition, Tarhan said, “Life is a competition, but in the end it is a competition.” It is not a concept without hands; There is a competition in this life, but it should remain a peaceful competition. When competition turns into hostile competition, it undermines the complementarity of marriage. There are things a person can control and there are things he cannot control. There are things he can afford and things he can't. It takes intelligence to know the limits of this. This is where it is important to use your mind. "If you insist on something that cannot be controlled in your expectations, after a while you will be successful for a year or two, but you will go downhill in the third and fourth," he said.
Complementarity between couples is important.
Tarhan, emphasizing that people in marriage should sanctify each other, said, “He needs to look for wisdom in every word so that that person will love him. Complementarity, not competition, is important in male-female relationships. There are issues in which men are strong, and there are issues in which women are strong. Women are more skilled in such matters as cooking at home or organizing the house. You will leave the last word to him. But shopping outside is an investment of money etc. You will leave the final say to the man. You will tell him your strong opinions, but you will leave it up to him. If spouses leave each other free space, the person will not only experience a sense of individuality but will not feel worthless, and it will be a complementary relationship. The common goal is to improve the marriage. The production of marriage is raising children. In other words, it means being happy in two worlds. "The moment this soul is forgotten, problems in marriage begin," he said.
Loneliness is the thing that traumatizes people the most
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the biggest problem of the elderly in the West is loneliness. Emphasizing that children grow up and leave their families and they become lonely when they reach old age, Tarhan said, “This time, they are trying to find morale in nursing homes. But it has been seen that the psychological need of man is; People are not happy in loneliness. Loneliness is the thing that traumatizes people the most. There is a need for connection. The human bonding hormone was identified and produced synthetically. Oxytocin hormone. The time when the bonding hormone is secreted the most is during the breastfeeding period. And as the highest It is secreted between sounds. The chemistry of people who are in love with each other is the secretion of oxytocin. It connects and relaxes wonderfully. "We owe that warm relationship between mother and child to the hormone oxytocin," he said. "In other words, he did not live his life by living alone," said Tarhan, adding, "Man is a civilized being and since he does not live alone, he must take into account the feelings and rights of the other party. Without realizing this, people become lonely and unhappy. Feeling like a part of the social fabric and having social ties gives people confidence. It releases the oxytocin hormone. That hormone also relaxes people. It reduces stress, that is, it is a stress-reducing hormone. That's why most people fall in love because it reduces stress. They fall in love because it makes them feel good. So it's not because it glorifies the other side. He makes her experience such things that they fall in love because they make her happy, and after a while, that feeling disappears. The brain stops secreting oxytocin and this time it starts to criticize the person it is in love with. The problem begins because the person did not fall in love with the other person, but fell in love with the feeling he made them feel. Why does love evaporate? It evaporates for him. Because love is not a meaningful love, it is a self-centered love. Therefore, since humans are social beings, the feeling of connection, which is a part of the social fabric, is a very important emotion in humans. In other words, people become attached to their children and family. "He connects to the society he lives in, he connects to his homeland, he connects to his identity," he said.
The most important feeling of a person is his connection to the invisible creator
“The most sustainable feeling of connection is the invisible one. Tarhan said, "This is what Mevlana captured. Discovering this gives this person great pleasure. You can be happy even if you are in prison, you can be equally happy even if you are in the palace. In other words, there is no conditional happiness because there is a power that knows everything and is omnipotent and that you will meet sooner or later. You cannot meet it now, but there is a power that you will meet. The feeling of being connected to it releases oxytocin in the brain and with that feeling, the person enters into worldly temporary metaphorical attachments. He doesn't feel the need. For a person who establishes a love relationship with God, wealth, possessions and money seem very simple compared to him. That's why, in marriage, it is important to love your spouse because of his Creator. Saying "I love you" means loving because of the Creator. This love is not just words. You say, 'I love you because of your Creator,' but you tear it away at a whim from Him. Then it means you are not acting in accordance with the meaning of what you said. So we will love people, but we will love them because of the Creator. In other words, it is necessary to love and respect everything that is created,” he said.
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