What is the state of being in compliance with this norm? Is it the one that complies with the rules? To the law? I wish it were so. At that time, I could easily answer the question "Is this normal?", which a client added to the end of his sentences when talking about a situation in which he was worried, based on the relevant article of a book I took out of my drawer.
Sociologists define norms as informal rules that shape people's behavior. They define it as (Cialdini, R. D. 2003). These rules are simply what the majority does. For example, if we look at Sherif Mardin's definition, "norm is expressed as the individual knowledge of individuals about environmental expectations regarding their own behavior." Okay, so this information is individual, but also widespread. How? This information is based on an assumption, but it is also true. At the same time? So let's make it a little concrete. It is an assumption; you know, there are assumed social expectations in our culture; He enters our lives with the sentence "What will the world say?" We may not even know who we are talking about, but he is someone important. He is there and we assume he sees what we do. It is common; Everyone knows it, sometimes there is even no need to use a subject to describe that person/persons. When we say "What do they say to the man later?", the other person immediately understands who we mean. It is important, and that person is real. It is effective in our decisions, we care about what people think about us. It is abstract, it has no legal sanction; In fact, there are sometimes aspects that contradict the law but are accepted beyond that. (like honor killings) He is functional; sometimes he is very useful, we consult him when we are confused about where and how to act. He tells us, we are safe.
Sometimes that person annoys us, tells us that we are the "other", and we feel sad. If we were to sit in front of each other and have a detailed conversation, whoever we asked if it was you, everyone would say, "No, it's not me, it's the others." If it's not me, if it's not you, if it's not him, who is it? There is no concrete evidence, is it a dream? While wondering how many people have the same dream at the same time, we wake up again to the reality of the norms. Social psychologists say that this situation is valid not only across cultures, but also within subgroups such as the work environment and family. r. For example, we can exercise in a gym among people we don't know, wearing colorful, pajama-like clothes. The norms of that environment and group are suitable for this. But it may not be normal for us to go to a house visit, even if it is someone we know, wearing the same clothes. The norms of the group determine the behavior of the person and therefore the normal. Examples can be multiplied. For example, the birth weight considered normal in a health center in Gambia will be different from the normal values of the chart used in a center where this control is performed in Berlin.
We want to know where we are in life. What is our normal weight according to our height? Is our child's development normal? What goes on in the family, the food we eat, the time spent in front of the television, our appearance, etc. Examples can be multiplied. It is possible to find a table of normal values somewhere for every situation you can think of. I think it's great that we are overcoming the unknowns now, as a society. But wait a minute. Why isn't everyone the same then? Or is everyone abnormal except for the person who has exactly average values and sits above the 50th percentile? Especially when we look at human behavior, which behavior will we evaluate as normal and which as abnormal?
A mother asks, "My child caused havoc in the nursery. They couldn't keep him in the classroom, he cried and shouted in the corridors. Is this behavior normal?" After listening to the story a little more, I say "normal", don't worry, your child reacts completely normal and healthy. Unfortunately, the speech of your daughter, whose speech delay you have done your best to correct, is not yet understood by everyone. Whatever he said to his friends or teachers was not understood. Their requests were either misinterpreted or unresponsive. As far as I understand, he had an explosion of anger when he couldn't stand this situation anymore and felt helpless. For example, how would you feel if you woke up one morning and your children, your spouse, and all the people you saw during the day did not hear what you said or did something else? If your son goes into the bathroom when you invite him to the table, if he hands you a sofa cushion when you ask your wife for not bringing your phone, if you go to sit with your neighbor and tell him about the strange events that happened in the morning, if he replies, "Yes, I want to buy a car, too." What if he ignores it? "I thought I was having a nightmare," he says, "and I wanted to wake up immediately." In this case, wouldn't it be abnormal if your daughter acted as if she were happy, even though no one understood her, and acted as if "well-behaved" as if nothing was happening, but lived in a dream world far from reality? Now, do you want us to evaluate your daughter's behavior according to the norms of the nursery, the behaviors expected from the student, or according to her reality?
"When my 5-year-old son does not do something he wants, he screams at the top of his voice, regardless of the environment. We are embarrassed every time." He is on the ground, screaming and crying like a spoiled child. The girl who was standing at the security guard in the last supermarket gathered around us and said, "I wish the ground had opened up and I could have gotten in. Then we were arguing with my wife, saying 'You made this child like this. Why don't I have a normal child..." What do you do in such situations? I ask. "It's easier if we're at home, I get angry, I say it's wrong to behave like this, you can't get everyone to do what you want by shouting." Are you shouting too? "Yes, but I would never hit my child," he explains. What does he do when you shout? "He cries for a while, but then he forgets." So yelling works. It helps you get what you want, it seems like a useful method. Why wouldn't it be useful for him? Especially if it has worked in some situations before, it is quite normal for him to choose the method that works. Imagine, you are at most one meter tall, your muscle strength is accordingly, you want to buy what you want from the shelves, and you don't even have money or a credit card to pay for this product at the cash register. You know a way to achieve this that has worked before and also works in adult life. But you don't. Would this behavior be normal? Now would you like to talk about your family's norms and what new tools they can use to get what they want? Because I think your son's behavior is normal under the circumstances you mentioned. If we try to teach him behavior without evaluating the norms, we will encourage him not to express his feelings and to be withdrawn. This can lead to childhood depression, which occurs in one in 33 children, or to passive-aggressive behavior in the future as a result of the habit of achieving one's wishes without expressing one's feelings, and perhaps more importantly, to restricting one's sharing with you.
In short, I say that as much as we need norms about our behavior in society, in the family or in other small groups we are involved in such as school or relatives, we need to evaluate the norms of that situation, moment and person. We need it very much. Abnormal labeling refers to people's development, learning, productivity, happiness, social relations, etc. It is a type of abuse that negatively affects every aspect of one's life. The effects of emotional abuse are as deep as any abuse, and worse, it is just as difficult to detect because it leaves no physical scars. And just like other abuse, unfortunately, it mostly persists within the family.
So I'm saying, before evaluating what is normal, it is useful to take a look at the norms of the situation. Trying to understand the person on their own terms before judging. If we look at it in terms of general norms, we are all abnormal in some way. Look at it from this perspective, if we are all a little abnormal, and since we will all be the majority together; In this case, it is extremely normal to be abnormal :)
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