Especially our childhood experiences tell us; It teaches us some things about ourselves, other people and the world. And we develop certain patterns based on our personal history. We have various determinations such as the world is a place where we are left alone, people are unreliable, and they would not like me if they knew the real me. These determinations usually have their origins in the past and have the potential to continue in some way in the future. We can benefit from the concept of 'schema' in the literature to concretize the impact of the past on the present.
We can define schema very generally as patterns that begin in childhood and repeat throughout life. Schemas are associated with a number of common emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in our lives. Are you afraid of being abandoned in your relationships? Do you think that you are generally giving in relationships and have difficulty expressing your needs? ; Do you generally feel lonely or like you don't belong to a group? Many similar questions can be asked to introduce the concept of schema. If yes answers to questions related to each other are collected in certain clusters, they indicate a certain schema.
Schemas generally constitute our first reactions to events. Therefore, even if they cause negativities in our lives, they can be accepted as true and last a lifetime. For example, if we see ourselves as “incompetent,” we may avoid working on a project that makes us anxious and end up failing. Thus, through "avoidance", the belief in our own inadequacy is supported. Sometimes, the continuity of the schema is achieved by "surrendering" to the schema. For example, if the world has become a place where we are not understood and our needs are not met; When we partner with a cold, self-centered, distant person, we may tend to continue the relationship rather than ending it, saying that I cannot get my basic needs from this relationship. Thus, with someone who cannot meet the need, the world becomes a place where we are deprived again. The important point here is that we have a tendency to stay in the relationship even if we are unhappy. Another way is to maintain the scheme through “compensation”. Here too, there may be an excessive need for people as a way of coping with deprivation. The person needs more He will have a hard time feeling the support for him, or people will not be there for him in the way he expects, and the possible feeling will again be loneliness. The important point here is that we have a reservoir that we have created to understand the world, and at the point when a schema that is important to us is triggered, the continuity of the schemas may be somehow ensured because other ways do not seem possible to us. Given the personal story that creates the schema, we didn't have many options as a child. As children, we may have felt helpless, insecure, unable to explain ourselves, and somehow continued without feeling these fragile feelings. When we are broken again in a similar place in our adult lives, our schemas can be triggered and we cope the same way we coped as a child in the first years of life. From this point of view, we can understand that it is very difficult to get out of a relationship, even if we get upset again and again and do not feel valued in that relationship.
Relationship dynamics is one of the areas where we can most clearly see the effects that our schemas can have in our lives. The problems we experience with different people at different times usually have a certain common theme. This partnership leads us to schemas.
Jeffrey Young mentions 18 different schemas and groups them under 5 different areas. In this article, I will talk about 5 different schemas collected in the field of separation and rejection to explain the effect of schemas on our relationships.
*Abandonment/Instability
People with this schema have intense fears that their relationships will somehow end. Something will happen to his partner and he will stop loving her. Or an unexpected reason such as death will cause separation. People with this schema may not have faith that people can meet their needs for love, connection, or trust. Others may remain in a more unstable or unreliable position. This situation can make it difficult to feel safe in a trustworthy relationship. Sometimes it causes situations in the relationship such as understanding small things as separation messages, and sometimes interpreting them as meaning separation by bringing different interpretations. Sometimes intense fear of loss; Desire to always be with the partner, making him/her the sole center of life, talking to him/her It may cause situations such as being unbearable for a few hours without sleep or intolerance to short separations. Or people with this schema may be in relationships with people who do not make them feel safe as a coping method that maintains the schema. People who are married, live far away, have difficulty committing, or have the potential to cheat may be attracted in some way. This situation, also called “scheme chemistry”; It explains the tendency of people to maintain a relationship that they find difficult or whose basic needs such as love, trust, value and respect are not met. Thus, the world becomes a place where we will be abandoned again and again at any moment.
*Suspicion/Abuse
People with this schema He has a negative expectation that he will be harmed by other people in some way. Others may use you for their own gain, deceive you, hurt you, or lie to you. It will be difficult to feel safe in relationships in a situation where you expect harm at any moment. That's why you may often be tense and alert. You may hesitate to show your weaknesses or avoid sharing information. You may think that the harm done to you is intentional, so you may feel intense anger within the relationship. Since the world is a place where you can be abused at any time, you may think that this is better than loneliness and continue relationships that do not make you feel good, hurt you, or where the other party takes advantage of you. As a schema-perpetuating choice, one may tend to maintain relationships with partners who are aggressive, humiliating, lying, and prone to cheating.
*Emotional Deprivation
People with this schema have a belief that their natural needs, such as attention, love, emotional warmth, being understood, being listened to, cared for, guidance, and protection, which can be expected to be met within a relationship, will be inadequately met. You may have difficulty expressing your needs and sharing your feelings in relationships. You may need to be understood without saying it, and when it is not noticed, you may experience resentment or anger and walk away from the relationship. Sometimes you can only notice the situation when the deprivation increases in the relationship or continues for a long time. People with this schema may sometimes avoid close relationships. As a schema-perpetuating choice, there may be a tendency to maintain relationships with cold, selfish, distant partners who cannot provide the affection needed.
*Faultlessness/Shame
People with a defective schema. They tend to feel flawed, bad, unwanted, unlovable. They may experience intense feelings of shame because they perceive themselves as somehow flawed. The basis for the perception of fault may vary depending on the situation. While it may be a feature related to appearance, it may also be unacceptable sexual desires and aggressive impulses. The person may feel at fault because he does not like himself physically, because he is selfish, because he is too weak, because he cannot speak well enough, or because he thinks that he is not successful. People with this schema may feel uncomfortable with the thought that their flaws in relationships will be noticed. They may be overly sensitive to criticism, exclusion, and blame. Because they already believe they are flawed, they may have difficulty protecting themselves in situations where they are belittled or overly criticized. People with this schema may sometimes have difficulty valuing someone who values them and is sensitive to their needs. Because anyone who values a flawed person will also be worthless. Critical, high-expectancy spouses may be preferred as a choice that will continue the schema.
*Social Isolation
People with this schema feel different from other people or in a group. They feel like they don't belong. They may focus on and magnify the differences within the group and fail to notice the similarities. While some people enter environments that will trigger the feeling of inadequacy and where they cannot feel like they belong, some people with this schema may avoid meeting new people. They may place great value on things such as status and money in order to compensate for the shortcomings they feel in themselves or their families. They may feel uncomfortable, especially when they are with more than two people. There may be feelings of loneliness even when you are with others. This schema makes it difficult for you to exhibit behaviors that would reveal yourself, such as opening yourself up and revealing different aspects of yourself in your relationships. Very successful, rich, very beautiful or handsome spouses may be attractive.
When schemas are triggered in the present, it is very important how they affect our present, what we need and what we do to meet the need. Behavior patterns learned in childhood are sometimes maintained as adults. For example, a person with an emotional deprivation schema may not be comfortable expressing their needs or resentments to another. Staying silent is very understandable for a child who is in a family environment where his needs are not listened to. It protects a child from both further disappointment and conflict with his or her family. However, remaining silent as an adult limits what one can receive in a relationship as an adult. Not expressing certain things can create internal dissatisfaction or cause anger towards one's partner because the other person does not understand them. The person may have difficulty expressing his wishes because it seems embarrassing or because the meaning will be lost if he expresses them. In therapy, we work on the ability to expect something from the other person, express it and accept support. Working on what happened as a child and what is happening now as an adult helps to make sense of the feeling of the past replacing the present. Recognizing the schemas that hurt us when triggered and making sense of what is happening allows us to look at things differently and try different ways. In this way, emotions that will be better for us will be supported in our relationships.
Read: 0
