In recent years, the increase in marital problems and the resulting increase in divorces and femicides; It revealed the need to once again focus attention on the quality of communication between spouses.
When we look at the problems between spouses in marriages; Unrealistic or unmet expectations, lack of communication, failure to fulfill responsibilities, and unmet needs are the most common problems.
The reason why I want to address the issue of 'Expectations' is; Unrealistic or (un)met expectations are a problem that is likely to be encountered not only during marriage but at every stage of life.
Most people have expectations about marriage before marriage. These expectations vary from person to person. The region, the family's upbringing style, and the person's education level have an impact on this change.
In the marriage expectation survey we conducted 3 years ago, women's expectations from their spouses; Expectations such as receiving love and value from their spouses, being taken care of, communicating with their spouses, receiving support from their spouses in housework and child care, and remembering special days such as birthdays and wedding anniversaries.
The expectations of men from their spouses in the survey are listed as follows:
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'Let my wife be smiling, be affectionate and warm-hearted. Let him raise his children well. Let him cook good meals. If possible, he should not talk too much.'
When the individual preferences that the person interprets as 'must-have' are added to these expectations, the level of expectation increases. When these high expectations are not realized, feelings of disappointment, anger and helplessness begin to occur.
So what should spouses do?
We can talk about three different types of behavior in interpersonal relationships. Preferred, non-preferred and disregarded behaviors. Most of us want our spouse to behave as we prefer, that is, to act in accordance with our expectations. This desire is a natural desire. However, this request is not an obligation. Our spouse does not have to behave the way we expect. The behavior he/she will choose is his/her own decision.
His/her own individual preferences or expectations and thoughts of 'I would do this if I were you' If he accepts it as the only truth and does not take into account his partner's expectations and preferences, problems will most likely occur. Because when our brain accepts its own preferences as 'right', it automatically accepts other preferences as 'wrong'.
When people see their individual preferences as necessary, necessary 'rights', they 'wrong' the other person's different preferences. interprets it as. The first reaction of a person as a result of such a comment is to try to convince his/her spouse from this 'wrong'. When the spouse does not change his behavior, threats, intimidation or other methods are used. All these events sometimes lead to irreversible consequences.
To summarize, it is natural for spouses to have expectations in marriage. These expectations are our individual preferences and are not the only 'right' one. When our spouse behaves according to our expectations, appreciating him/her by saying "Thank you for behaving according to my expectations" can ensure the continuation of the behaviors we expect. When he does not behave according to our expectations, it is unrealistic to try to change his behavior by force. What we can do is see his decisions as a choice and examine our own interpretations of that decision. Because we do not have the power to control someone else's behavior and thoughts, even if it is our spouse. We can only control and change our own thoughts, our own behavior and what we say. I would like to end the article with a quote from Mevlana.
“Yesterday I was smart, I wanted to change everyone. Today I am smart and I am changing myself.”
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