Marriage is a much more comprehensive and complex process than what we see in those romantic love movies. In fact, neither sharing the same house, nor premarital counseling, nor witnessing our own parents' relationship fully prepares us for marriage. Being married requires serious maturity. Intense vulnerabilities, generous forgiveness, endless patience. As we stay married, we may start to think differently on some points. “My wife and I are truly two different people.” “Running this business is harder than I thought.” No matter how hard I try, conflict is impossible to avoid.”
Both men and women have a strong desire to establish a close, emotional and secure bond. We all experience some fear when we have disagreements and arguments with our spouse. Human beings feel uneasy when the optimal balance is disrupted. For those in secure relationships, this situation is temporary. When we realize that there is no threat, our fear decreases quickly and easily. However, in weak and worn-out relationships, fear can be very intense and dominant. Losing intimacy with the person we love jeopardizes our sense of security. The amygdala, the fear center of the brain, is stimulated. We cannot think logically; we just feel and act. We become captives of what Jaak Panksepp calls “primary panic”. We either become demanding and aggressive, or we withdraw and disengage in order to calm and protect ourselves. The real meaning behind these reactions is: “Notice me. Be with me I need you” or “I won't let you hurt me. I will calm down. I will try not to lose control.”
In damaged marriages, couples are emotionally disconnected and do not feel safe around each other. Most conflicts are actually protests over emotional detachment. “Am I important to you? Do you value me? Do you accept me? Can I trust you? Can I expect help from you? Will you be there for me? Will you answer me in my time of need, when I call on you? Do you need me?" All those outbursts of anger, criticism and demands are actually calls to the spouse.
These strategies that come into play to cope with the fear of losing closeness are unconscious and work at first. . When couples continue to use these strategies, they create cycles of mistrust that cause them to drift further apart. These cycles gradually grow with the defensive attitudes of the spouses and the relationship reaches an impasse. Spouses become pessimistic and hopeless about each other and their relationships.
Every couple has to restore balance in the natural conflicts that come with attachment. Intimacy always begins with “I”. The best way to achieve the connection and closeness we all long for is to bravely open up to your partner with your truest self and deepest feelings. A happy marriage is a "me" focused marriage; It requires two self-focused egos. The bond between these two complete and self-focused people is the essence of marriage. The serious difference between being committed and being dependent is an issue that needs to be emphasized in a basic system such as marriage, as in all relationships. As soon as we can say "I" and "you" first and then "we", marriage will progress on a much more positive plane.
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