The reason why I have discussed the subject of communication in sexual life under a separate heading from the communication between spouses is that, unfortunately, spouses use communication rules in every field other than sexual life. Lack of communication lies at the beginning of many problems in sexual life. The best example of this situation is the story of an old couple who went to a therapist.
The therapist first talks to the woman and says; 'My wife has been blowing in my ear whenever we have intercourse since we got married,' he states. Asking the reason for this, the therapist answers: 'I don't say anything because my wife likes it and it makes her happy'. The therapist, who is curious about this situation, says in the session where he talks to the man, "I want to know why you blow into your partner's ear during sexual intercourse" and the gentleman says, "I don't like it, but I blow into his ear because my wife is happy." As can be understood from this example, couples understand what they like and what they don't like. Unless they express it, they are forced to experience unwanted behavior for many years. A healthy sexual life depends on healthy communication. You should explore your sexual life with your partners and clearly express what you like and what situations you are uncomfortable with. If you do not express your feelings, the situations that make you uncomfortable or the situations you like, your partner will not understand and an unwanted, unhappy sexual life will remain your nightmare for many years.
HOW CAN WE ACHIEVE HEALTHY COMMUNICATION?
The way to achieve healthy communication is to experience our emotions correctly. Our emotions are experienced in three ways.
1-DAILY
We must express our emotions daily in a correct communication language. Instead of expressing our feelings about a situation that makes us angry, angry or happy 10 days later and settling scores, we should express our feelings with the person to whom it was directed and at the time it happened. To give an example, during sexual intercourse with your spouse, if your spouse made an approach you did not like or used a word you did not like, you should not keep it to yourself so that your peace will not be disturbed and be held accountable for it days later. Or that you should never fail to say z because if you do not express your dislike, your partner cannot understand this situation and the same disturbing situation may be repeated many times.
2- BY EXPRESSING
It is important to experience our emotions at the right time. The way we express it is as important as the way we express it. There are two types of expression: It is the I language and the you language. You language; It is an accusatory, hurtful, sarcastic, negative communication language. The message we want to give in Sen language does not reach the recipient and activates the defense mechanisms of the other party and creates a discussion environment. The I language is; It is a valuing, positive, listening and caring communication language. When we use I language, the message we want to convey reaches the other party in a positive way and unwanted hurtful behavior does not occur. To give an example, my dear, I feel worthless because of your harsh behavior during the relationship, so we should express the situation that makes us uncomfortable and how we feel.
3-BY BEHAVIOR
Finally, we should use the method of putting emotions into behavior. We experienced and expressed our feelings daily, but we were still not relieved. At this point, what we need to do is to put our feelings into action. Because we should not keep our emotions bottled up in our daily lives. Therefore, we must put it into action in order to relax.
We can do this as follows;
- We can punch the sofa,
- We can sing by shouting,
- We can run like we missed the bus,
- We can pull the covers over ourselves. we can cry…
We can multiply examples etc.
These behaviors will both relax us and ensure that our emotions do not accumulate.
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