Many couples marry for love. And love is a poem when it goes well. Interestingly, while countless volumes of poetry
have been written about love, there are almost no poems about marriage. Yet therapists rarely think about love or why couples stay together. While on one side of the counseling room you find people experiencing love and anger,
desire and boredom, friendship and loneliness. On the other side of the room,
we see the therapist thinking about unresolved pain, unstable structures, distorted and dysfunctional systems.
If couples understand what brings them together, what keeps them together despite resentment and disappointment
How can we hope to develop effective therapies for couples if we don't care about their views on the situation?
Perhaps many therapists can intuitively appreciate what holds couples together. We believe that it can be done.
We believe that enjoyable sex will protect the marriage, while incompatible sexual relationships will be a source of conflict.
We think that couples with many common interests get along better than those with very few common interests.
We also believe that people who act thoughtfully and are honest in their commitments will have better marriages than those who act inconsistently and reactively.
Although these are based on our practical experience, they still require
closer inquiry.
This theory enables us to understand the rich variety of marriages that work and
the rich variety of those that fail. It also helps us evaluate the bonds
between people who are in love or have been married for many years. The essence of the theory is the proposition that there are various bonds between couples in marriage, and each of these bonds carries developmental signs and is linked to the basic
features of interpersonal relationships. According to this view, many solid marriages are based on each of these bonds. They are strong in several, if not one. Many
weak marriages show a weak bond profile.
Five bonds are mentioned:
1. Attachment / Attachment-giving and caring-receiving bond; This bond comes It is symbolically rooted in the parent-child
relationship.
2. The Bond of Friendship/Partnership; This bond is rooted in childhood peer and play experiences. It usually
occurs between members of the same generation and involves intimacy and shared initiatives.
3. The Bond of Desire / Sexual Activity; This bond includes sexual attraction and the satisfaction obtained in sexual activity.
It usually concerns members of the same generation and becomes the most important driving force in adolescence.
4. Decision / Obligation Bond; This bond involves the cognitive behavior of considering a relationship and deciding whether or not to commit to it. Although being considerate and acquiring obligations
begins in childhood, it is considered an indicator of maturation.
5. Social Connections Bond: It differs from others
because it is less clear where this bond originates. Attachment may be a derivative of friendship, decision/commitment bonds, or it may be a completely
independent bond. It involves the relationship between an individual or a couple and others who are important to them, such as children, extended family, neighbors,
social communities, and so on.
Attachment / Caregiving and Caregiving Bond
Attachment, showing and receiving attention and care is one of the characteristics sought in marriage and is a human characteristic especially seen in the parent-child relationship.
The relationships of couples with their parents or other people who raise them, that is, parent-child relationships.
Whether the quality is empathetic or not and whether it provides the opportunity for separation and individualization affects the person's
expectations from marriage.
The person's feeling of closeness to the people who raised him, being a loved child, his relationships with his siblings
and his siblings' parents. The quality of their relationships is very effective
on the bond of attachment and care.
Additionally, how their parents' marriage is and how they evaluate this marriage are also effective in the development of this bond
. Things that a person dislikes about himself, dislikes and admires about his partner are effective in this
bond. It is also important how marriage will change the person and what personal deficiencies it will complete. Spouses can strengthen their ties by asking questions and talking to each other about this issue. They can strengthen it. The couple relationship gives individuals
the opportunity to re-experience and develop what happened with their parents in childhood. We can briefly call this "unconscious
contract".
Friendship / Partnership Bond
Perhaps the least emphasized marriage bond is friendship and partnership. These are the most
important bonds between peers. This is surprising; because these words are the words that couples use most frequently to describe each other
. The roots of the ability to establish relationships with peers, to have friends, to be good colleagues
are laid in childhood, through relationships between children.
Today, the majority of couples expect behavior from each other as equals. This is not valid in all ages and cultures. Even today, most spouses have identified areas where one of them has more authority
. This situation is perceived as either a fair adjustment or an unfair practice. Couples
are spouses, and the capacity and experience of each member of a couple in the spouse relationship significantly affects their relationships with each other.
Research shows that the most important characteristics that men and women look for in a partner are, in order of importance
determined that; good friend, thoughtfulness, honesty, compassion, reliability, intelligence, kindness, understanding, sweet conversation, loyal. Many people describe their spouse as their “best friend” and hope to establish an “I-you” dialogue with them.
Marriage is not just friendship: Marriage is also a business partnership. It is a collaborative venture due to the intense demands on the couple's time, energy and money. When children are involved, these demands intensify and an unsymmetrical situation develops in the distribution of labor; While women
are responsible for more children, men take more responsibility for economic support. The couple must
decide whether they will share each of life's tasks symmetrically or complementary
A common failure in the partnership bond concerns the management of financial matters. Therapists often encounter couples who would get along very well if they didn't bicker about money. B. Some
couples know how to manage their emotions, but they do not know how to manage their money, and some
are the opposite.
Learning about peer relationships is very beneficial. Couples can look for answers to the following questions
about friendship and partnership:
1. Are you friends? Are you a spouse? What interests do you share?
2. Do you tell each other private details about your inner life?
3. Do you divide the labor well on joint projects? Housework, childcare,
planning trips, or financial matters?
4. How do you divide these tasks? Do you find this distribution fair?
5. Could you tell us about your experiences with your friends, starting from your earliest memories?
6. How were your relationships with your friends at school? Did you have a best friend?
7. How did you start dating the opposite sex? Did you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?
8. Do you have friends now? How close are they?
Sexual Bond
The importance of the sexual bond in the couple relationship is very obvious. For many couples, sexual desire is one of the reasons that lead them
to marriage. On the other hand, we know that many lovers who desire each other sexually do not get married, and some couples decide to get married even though sexual desire is not very important in their relationship. In some couples, desire and sex form such an important bond that they continue their sexual relationship even after divorce.
The strength of this bond varies depending on the stage of the relationship and the age cycle of the individuals. Sexual attraction becomes most important during the engagement period. Marriage itself often leads to a change in the intensity of sexual
desire; The direction of this change depends on whether marriage is perceived as reducing or increasing freedom. The birth and care of children leads to a decrease in the sexual life of the couple, while the emptying of the nest from children may lead to a renaissance in the sexual life of the couple.
If sexual desire is not negatively affected by reasons such as diseases and sexual activities, the form of sexuality
Even if things change, this relationship can last until old age. Some couples love each other They can feel many passions. Naturally
the importance of passion and emotions create changes for men and women.
The importance of sexuality for the members of the couple does not require proof. However, in some cultures, sexual pleasure with a partner is of secondary importance in order to produce children. It is useful to consider desire and sexual behavior separately. Desire is seen as a "chemistry" that flares up very quickly. Individuals cannot force themselves to desire a partner
even though it is deemed appropriate in many ways; Likewise, they cannot get rid of their desire for a person
who is not suitable for them at all.
A couple's sexual life can be greatly affected by non-sexual events, such as a loss of confidence or a success in life
that will lead to self-esteem. A problem that is often seen as being of a sexual nature
may involve other issues such as inadequacies in the relationship, the problem of who will make the first attempt, anxiety about not being liked, or fear of getting pregnant
. All of this can be handled during therapy. On the other hand, changing the basic chemistry of sexual
desire is very difficult, if not impossible.
Questions that can help a couple evaluate their sexual bond:
1. Do you desire your partner? What is the story of your desire for each other?
2. How do you decide to have sexual intercourse? Who starts the first initiative? Is this always like this?
3. What is the general course of your sexual relationships?
4. Do you enjoy your sexual relationships? Do you orgasm?
5. Is your partner satisfying for you? Does it give you the reactions you want?
6. What changes have you experienced in your sexual relationships?
7. How can your sexual relationships improve?
Decision/Commitment Bond
Exit from marriage, even in this age of divorce It is difficult and this decision is usually made after much thought
. In many cultures, past and present, parents and marriage
matchmakers decided who to marry. Today, even in cultures that value romantic love, people don't just fall in love
, get married, and live happily ever after. We are argumentative. People who want to date someone, have a relationship or get married want to evaluate the kind of person they have a relationship with. This evaluation
is just the beginning�
Read: 0
