All married couples, even the happiest ones, experience conflict. Conflict will always exist in marriages, or rather in all relationships where two people come together (husband-wife, mother-child, sibling, friend). In this case, how married couples manage conflict becomes important. While your style of conflict management may help your marriage continue successfully, it may also lead to a process leading to divorce.
Conflict in marriage has functional and positive aspects, such as improving the relationship and understanding each other better. There may always be some situations that arise from personality differences between spouses and cannot be resolved. If spouses know how to manage these disagreements, that is, conflict, in a healthy way, the relationship between them will be healthy.
Dr., who has conducted research and observations with married couples for many years. John Gottman talks about 4 factors that he says are harbingers of divorce and calls them the "4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse". These are;
1. Criticism
2. Getting Defensive
3. Contempt / Contempt
4. It is listed as Stonewalling/Ignoring
.
Gottman stated that by looking at these 4 factors that come into play in the arguments, he can predict the divorce at a rate of 91%, meaning that these 4 factors are frequently brought into play in the arguments and compensation efforts are made. He says that his prediction about whether marriages that are not entered into will be successful or unsuccessful is 91% accurate. Some of these 4 factors can be found in every marriage. The only difference is that couples who have a healthy relationship make an effort to compensate for this negative behavior (by establishing 5 positive interactions against 1 negative interaction), attempt to repair it, and can respond to each other's repair attempts.
These four factors The first step to be taken to protect yourself from its destructive effects is to become aware of these four factors that show themselves in your argumentation style during conflict, and the second step is to resist them. Otherwise, you now know where you are going after these four horsemen.
Making a soft start instead of criticizing
Criticism is a constructive criticism made towards the personality of the individual. These are comments that do not exist. A complaint is made regarding a behavior and addresses only that behavior. When you have a complaint about something, start softly and express your complaint without blaming, using sentences that start with "I" and expressing your needs, "What do I feel? What do I need?" Being able to convey the answers to questions to the other party is the antidote to criticism. Expressing what you feel and what you need with this method will not contain critical language and will not force your partner to become defensive, on the contrary, it will help him/her become aware of your feelings and needs. A soft start when voicing your complaint will also determine the tone in which your discussion will proceed. Harsh starts mean that the argument ends at least as harshly.
Taking responsibility instead of being defensive
Being defensive, protecting yourself, or thinking that you are the aggrieved party, and coming from your spouse. It can be defined as trying to prevent an attack. When we become defensive, we actually use a different way of blaming the other party by saying "it's not me, it's you."
What needs to be done at this point is to try to hear your spouse's complaint and take responsibility by accepting that you have your own role in the conflict. . As spouses, the responsibility of both parties is to make an effort to prevent the emotional bond between them from weakening. In this sense, it becomes important to make a repair attempt that will help the spouse soften, instead of becoming defensive, even if he/she is subjected to a critical reaction by his/her spouse.
Appreciating and respecting instead of humiliation/contempt
Humiliation is the biggest predictor of divorce, and overcoming it is of critical importance for the course of the relationship.
Humiliation, which is related to seeing oneself in a superior position and causes the feelings of love and admiration between couples to disappear. It manifests itself in the form of sarcastic speech, name-calling, eye rolling, belittling, mocking, and knowingly making hurtful jokes.
The antidote to humiliation is to create a culture of appreciation and respect in the relationship. Spouses regularly express their gratitude, love and respect for each other. It gives a positive meaning and depth to the relationship. It helps partners think and feel more positive about each other. The more positive a person thinks, the more positive he feels. The more positive he feels, the less condescending he will be. For this reason, it is important to think about what you like about your partner and express this to him/her at every opportunity in order to create this culture.
Learning to soothe yourself instead of stonewalling/ignoring
This situation, metaphorically expressed as building a wall, is when the person who is overwhelmed and tired of arguments stops communicating with his/her spouse and remains completely unresponsive. Stonewalling usually occurs in the later stages of controversial relationships, when exhaustion occurs. This is an attitude that wears out the party trying to communicate.
The reason why discussions become exhausting is that physiological reactions resulting from intense emotional load and anger (heart rate increases, stress hormones come into play, etc.) make it impossible for the person to have a constructive discussion. is to bring. When these symptoms occur, couples continue to argue, causing them to wear each other out. Therefore, in order to prevent stonewalling, it is necessary to be aware of the signs that indicate that you are starting to become emotionally overwhelmed and angry, and to learn to decide together to stop the argument and wait until you calm down. Pause: “We are angry now, if we continue we may say things that will upset each other. Let's discuss this issue again when we calm down." This is done with mutual approval. In order to calm down, the person should spend the time he or she spares with activities that will help him or her calm down, not by preoccupying himself with negative thoughts about his or her spouse. Listening to a favorite music, doing a hobby or taking a walk...
The first thing we need to change our behavior is awareness. Observing and realizing the existence of these 4 factors in the discussions is an opportunity for us to change them. And finally, it can be said that the only thing we can change is our own behavior. A small change we create in our own behavior will indirectly make a difference in the person we interact with, and the difference in him/her will reinforce our behavior. will flow and this will create a loop...
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