Marriage is seen as an agreement, a contract, between two adults. With the marriage, a new era began for both parties. This period imposes new roles on men and women. This means that both men and women have new relatives, especially new parents (father-in-law-mother-in-law), with whom they need to establish healthy and good relationships. has been added. For mothers and fathers, the roles of mother-in-law and father-in-law have been added to the roles of motherhood and fatherhood. Among these roles, the relationship problems between the bride and mother-in-law and the situation of the spouse (son) left behind due to these problems are among the important agenda items of the problems experienced in marriage.
A wife complaining that she was left alone by her husband and not getting the attention and support she wanted, a mother complaining about her daughter-in-law to her son with similar complaints, and the man in the role of husband and son stuck between them.
These problems experienced with marriage arise from the inability of newlywed couples and their families to adequately adopt and adapt to the new positions that arise with marriage. In a marriage between two people, not only the harmony and relationships of the newlyweds are important, but also the harmony of the families of both parties is important. Some men are faced with a situation such as "neither being a good nor a helper". These men's efforts to be "good sons" can lead to a material and moral divide between the two parties as they take on new responsibilities with marriage. For the sake of “remaining neutral”, most men simply watch what is happening or move on to protect the old fortress (their own family). Some of them walk away from marriage completely.
During this process, the woman also complains that her husband cannot break ties with his family and that he leaves her alone and does not provide enough support, especially in his relations with his mother-in-law. “Two years have passed and we still haven't been there! He complains, and he is right...
What will strengthen the relationship here is the effort and attitude of both people.
In such cases, the man says, "You are right, dear, my mother's (or my father's, my sister's...) have some habits. It also disturbs. But they are people who have worked hard for me, their habits do not change at this age, we will manage, don't worry about yourself. What matters is our relationship. I'm on your side! He should say that he is with his wife with words like.
The maturity and understanding shown by the spouse in the first stage of marriage will help her husband relax and gain his trust. If the spouse is mature and understanding, the relationship between the spouses becomes stronger over time, the man gives priority to his wife and children to his current home, and by continuing his interest in his own family at a reasonable level, the relationship between his new home and his parents can be established at a level that will satisfy everyone.
Developmental Stages of Family and Relationship; If we compare the development of a newly established family to the birth and growth of a person, the first development that the newly established home and family must show is the ability to "become us". It is a priority for spouses to invest in their relationships in order to create a solid foundation for the stress and struggles of the coming years. The main basic tasks are for spouses to know each other better, to be able to compromise on different views and habits, and to be ready to develop a common lifestyle. In order for these to occur, couples need, first of all, to make time for each other. Only then can we talk about the importance of talking to each other, hearing each other, and establishing dialogue. Especially the time a man devotes to his family (mother) and friends may not leave enough time for him to get to know his wife and strengthen their relationship ties.
If marriage is a relationship-based process, which is undoubtedly true, relationship is also a feeling-based process. As long as you don't hear it, you will continue to have problems of not getting along with your spouse, your child, your parents, your friends. What is meant by hearing the other side? By hearing we mean feeling. It means being aware of the other party's emotions, but most importantly, your own emotions. No matter who the human being is, no matter how old he is, he is not interested in what is seen through words and actions, he is interested in how the person he is in a relationship with feels about himself. The other party's real thoughts about him/herself are rarely expressed even to himself/herself. He deals with his deepest feelings that he is afraid of. People are not interested in what is said, but in who said it, how it is said and what is meant; in short, they are interested in the "hidden content".
Marriage, But With Whom?
In my opinion, one of the reasons why the relationship among newlyweds in our society is not established on a solid basis is that one or both spouses are still "married" to their previous families. For this reason, there are not a few couples who drift away from each other at the slightest disagreement, like ships taking shelter in their own harbours. In some cases, the family elders' inability to break away from their children or their habit of controlling the environment and holding power makes it difficult for young people to establish a relationship in their marriages. In this regard, it is possible to give examples mostly from mothers of men. In families where protective-interventionist parental roles are more dominant, mothers establish a dependency relationship with their children instead of a relationship of loyalty, and when their children leave home and get married, they cannot say goodbye to their children or break up with them.
Commitment/Dependency
Commitment and addiction are very different concepts that are often confused with each other. In commitment there are two people contributing to the relationship voluntarily, in addiction it is obligation. In a relationship, one is stronger and the other is weaker. In addiction there is neediness, in attachment there is free choice. While in commitment there is a uniqueness of the bilateral relationship, in addiction there is oneness and sameness, and the absence of one in the other.
. That's why the man's mother cannot hand over her child with peace of mind to the new woman, that is, her husband. The independence of her son's marriage and the strengthening of his relationship and bond with his wife may mean the loss of authority and power for the mother. A struggle for power and ownership begins. That's why personality boundaries cannot be clearly drawn, everyone is in everyone's time and space. This exploitation of "personal boundaries", done with good intentions and in the name of sincerity, undermines the strengthening of marriages between two people. The most sensitive task here falls to the man. It is best to be able to talk to each other without getting defensive and to avoid attitudes that can wear out the marriage, regardless of whose family they come from. That's why the family is big Although loved ones and friends constitute an important support system for both the individual and the newly established family, it is important for spouses to spend the most time listening and understanding each other in the first years. Without trust, different opinions and needs cannot be heard, and common opinions and decisions necessary for the marriage to continue cannot be formed. In my opinion, the first test of the marriage relationship is whether the trust between the spouses can be established or not. Failure to establish trust between spouses delays the spouses' ability to be us.
What is the prerequisite for healthy marriages? If asked, we can say: "Spouses should be ready to take responsibility for a relationship and be free enough not to drown in it."
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