He made me angry!
Do you have to make me sad?
You made me very happy today!
We have said sentences similar to the sentences above many times throughout our lives or heard them from others. . The most important thing these sentences have in common is that the person holds the other people responsible for the emotional state he is experiencing. Now, let's take a look at these sentences and the mindset on which they are based.
In the consultancies I have conducted throughout my 16-year career, I have seen that one of the biggest problems of people is that they attribute the responsibility of their emotions and behaviors to the external environment. Responsibility for many emotions experienced, from sadness to joy, from anger to relief, has often been sought outside, and this search has pushed the person to despair. The reason for his helplessness is that he left emotional management to someone else's authority.
Let me explain this situation with an example. If a person attributes the basis of the emotion he feels to someone outside himself, wouldn't he be transferring the management of his emotion to that person? For example, what does a person who says his friend upset him need to get rid of his feelings of sadness and be happy? For his friend to make him happy!
Isn't indexing happiness to someone else's behavior also a sign of helplessness? Because in order to be happy, it is necessary to wait for someone else to change their behavior and act in accordance with their wishes. What if that expected change does not occur?
Let's think about the situation in reverse. If we think that it is others who determine our emotions, we must also accept that our own behavior determines the emotions of others. That's right! If others determine our feelings with their behavior, that is, if what others do makes us sad, happy or angry; Likewise, our actions should make others happy, sad or angry. If we accept all this as true; We are faced with the following result. While others determine and manage our behavior, we see in ourselves the power to determine and manage the emotions of others.
The reasons behind our emotions and behaviors. We have difficulty taking responsibility for our emotions and behaviors because we have learned to look for them in events and people outside ourselves and to live by holding them responsible.
However, this way of thinking is not a realistic way of thinking.
I can hear you saying this. So, do events or people have no responsibility for the emotions we experience? Of course, they have the effect of causing our thoughts to start, but that's all.
What determines our emotions is neither the event itself nor the behavior of people outside us. The main factor that determines our emotions is our thoughts and the way we interpret events. For example, a housewife who is thinking of cleaning because the weather is sunny may feel sad because it is raining. A farmer who has been waiting for rain for a long time may feel great joy when it rains. While the event of rain causes sadness for the housewife, it causes joy for the farmer. So rain itself is not a cause of sadness or joy. The thoughts that people have in their minds about rain are the main factor that determines the emergence of their emotions.
To give a more extreme example, let's imagine that there is a man who inflicts physical violence on his wife in the middle of the street. Let's assume there are 4 different people who witnessed this event. The first person is trying to stop the person who is committing violence against the man. The second person quickly walks away. The third person calls the police and reports the situation. The fourth person is just watching what is happening.
We saw the difference in the behavior of the people who witnessed the above incident. Now let's examine the feelings of these 4 people. The emotion felt by the first person who tries to stop the person committing violence is probably anger and resentment. The feeling of the second person who quickly runs away is fear, the feeling of the third person who calls the police is responsibility, and the feeling of the person who only watches the event is indifference and curiosity.
As explained in the examples, events are not the main factors that determine people's feelings and behaviors. If that were the case, everyone would have to feel the same emotions and act the same in the face of the same event. . As we see in the examples, people's emotions and reactions were different in the face of the two events. So how can the behaviors and emotions of people who witness the same event be so different? Because people's interpretations and ways of thinking about the event are different from each other. When we examine the thoughts of the people who witnessed the violent incident above, the first person; The second person's opinion that violence is a negative situation and should be prevented; The third person's opinion that the violent environment is dangerous and that it is necessary to stay away; We can say that they have the opinion that it is necessary to report violent incidents to the relevant authorities, and the fourth person has the opinion that one should not interfere with the meat and milk and should not intervene no matter what anyone is doing.
In summary, the events experienced are the occasions that caused our thoughts and interpretations to begin. It is not the responsible or the cause of our emotions and behaviors.
I would like to end my article with these words from Montaigne. “It is not the events that make people unhappy, but the thoughts about the events.”
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