Sometimes I can't help but think that we are too performance-oriented at many points in our lives. I think we are always after the best, even in sex.
In a study conducted by Hürriyet newspaper in 2005, the frequency of sexual intercourse and people's thoughts about them were investigated. As a result of the research, 32.2% of the society stated that they make love less frequently than many other people.
When you type “sex and lovemaking techniques” into Google, it finds approximately 47,500 results. Again, when I type "do you make love well" into Google, it finds approximately 42,700 results. I can't help but think that there is such a quest that these articles are written and read.
See how Rollo May interprets this emphasis on the frequency of sex and lovemaking techniques in his book Love and Will: I often think that there is an inverse relationship between one's sexual passions and the pleasure one gets from participating in sexuality. Of course, there is nothing wrong with the techniques in such publications, whether it is playing golf, acting or making love. However, overemphasizing sex technique leads to an attitude that mechanizes lovemaking and brings with it alienation, a feeling of loneliness and loss of self. Couples place too much emphasis on keeping track and scheduling their lovemaking, as Kinsey identified and standardized it. When they fall behind the frequency specified there, they become anxious and force themselves to go to bed whether they want to or not. My colleague Dr. John Schimel “my patients…. “They experienced falling behind the sexual frequency table as the loss of love,” he observes. If the man falls behind this frequency table, he feels as if he is losing his masculine position, and the woman feels that she has lost her feminine attractiveness when she experiences a period where the man does not even court her... Elaborate accounting and lists - "How often did we make love this week?", "I asked her all evening." "Did he show enough interest?", "Was the foreplay long enough?" - makes the person realize the spontaneity of this most intimate behavior. It makes you doubt how it can last.
In an environment where the mind is so busy with techniques, the typical question to be asked about lovemaking is, "Was there passion, meaning or pleasure in lovemaking?" instead of “How good was my performance?” It shouldn't be surprising. Consider, for example, what Cyril Connolly calls the “tyranny of orgasm” and the anxiety of reaching orgasm simultaneously, which is another form of alienation. I have to admit, when people talk about "revelatory orgasms" I wonder, "Why do they have to try so hard?" I wonder. By being interested in these ostentatious effects, which pit of self-doubt, which void of inner loneliness are they trying to fill?
Even sexologists with the attitude that the more sex the better are opposed to the uneasy over-emphasis on reaching orgasm and the importance placed on "satisfying" the partner. The man always asks the woman “whether she came,” “whether she is okay,” or uses a euphemistic word to describe an experience that cannot be covered up. We men…are warned by other women that this is the last question the woman wants to be asked at that moment. Moreover, preoccupation with technique robs a woman of what she wants most physically and emotionally: the man's inner exuberance at his peak. This enthusiasm gives the woman the excitement and ecstasy that she and the experience can provide. When we strip away all the nonsense about roles and success, what remains is the surprisingly important fact that intimacy in a relationship is—the meeting, the excitement of not knowing where the intimacy will go, the confidence and devotion that make relationships unforgettable. “
As I mentioned above and May also mentioned, we are constantly expecting something from ourselves, even in bed. Even in such an intimacy that involves only touching...feeling, it seems to me that it is against the essence of sex to pursue whether we can hit the scales or not, rather than leaving ourselves in the arms of feeling. As May points out, when we put aside all this nonsense about roles and success… only when we can stay in the moment can we enjoy the in-the-moment uncertainty of emotional intimacy… only then can we truly enjoy what sex is all about. It feels like we can feel the love.
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