It is necessary to start with what a "limit" is or is not. In bilateral relations, the word "border" has always been misunderstood and interpreted. This is mostly because of our culture. In cultures like ours, which have lived together for centuries, the expression of "setting boundaries" is not only welcomed but also often condemned. Over the years, although we have realized on a conscious level that it is no longer a shame to set boundaries mentally with the changing cultural structure; our unconscious legacies we inherited from our ancestors (see Jung's Archetypal Theory) fail to perceive this situation. The word “boundary” often connotes anger, rigidity, barriers, or unpleasant emotions.
However, now is the time to look elsewhere at the “boundary”. Boundaries mean trust. Knowing your border means reporting. It means the peace and security of knowing where to go and where to stop. The person in front of us may be our spouse, child or friend, it doesn't matter. Since trust is essential in all kinds of healthy relationships and one of the elements that ensure trust is boundaries; Boundaries are needed in every relationship.
Let's continue by looking at the boundaries from this perspective, and let's examine this subject more deeply with the mistakes we make while setting boundaries. Because if we know what is wrong, it will be easier to put the right in their place. Let's see if you are making sentences like the following during the day by saying, "Oh, but this kid has overstepped his bounds now, he can't stop, he needs to put his limits on it"...
*I told you not to do it!
*if you jump from place to place again, you'll get slapped!
*you can't eat chocolate again if the plate is not finished!
*you played a lot on the tablet, there is no tablet for you anymore!
*I'm tired now, ok for today but we can only buy chips for today...
*how many times have I told you not to yell at me? (usually shouted to the child)
*keep fighting with your brother, I'll leave the house and see your day…
Do these sentences sound familiar? In some of our angry times, a monster may come out and shout these and similar sentences. But first we have to realize this monster, and then we tell the monster inside of us, "This is how it is solved. However, it has not been resolved until now, it has been even worse, you step aside, I have this job now," we should learn to approach the situation with our healthy parental side. >
When we set boundaries, it is inevitable that we feel like an authority and shout orders. Because our inner voice is saying: “THIS CHILD SHOULD LEARN THIS” or “I MUST TEACH THIS”.
Now let's make an arrangement if he/she drinks...
Instead of "I should teach this to this child", "I MUST Teach this child" I must offer choices and the child must learn by experiencing the consequences of their choices”. Because if I act as a rule maker as a parent, my child will sense it and we will resist and clash with me with the urge to establish their own identity. Or vice versa; he will obey my rules, he will be afraid and he will shape his own identity based on my truths, he will not be able to find his own voice by alienating himself. What will we do then? Instead of giving orders, we will create a choice. Small choices for the little ones, big choices for the big ones.
WHEN PROVIDED OPTION
The moment we make a choice, we make a choice. In other words, the child has the right to choose what he wants from the two options you give. He may not choose what you hope he chooses, that's his right. If you won't agree to this, it's better not to start this process at all.
Make sure to use the word "choose" in your sentence when choosing.
Let's say the child chose something other than what you offered. For example; You had given him permission to eat a piece of chocolate, and he was adamant that I will eat all of my chocolate. In that case, what you would say is “honey, I know you want to eat all the chocolate. But I'm sorry you can't eat all of the chocolate. If you choose to eat all of the chocolate now, you're also choosing to forego your right to the after-dinner dessert. After this sentence, the child makes his choice. He probably eats all the chocolate. While she enjoys eating all her chocolate, you can remind her “I see that you gave up your right to dessert after dinner”. No problem so far. The real issue will begin when it's time for dessert after dinner, when your child reaches for the plate for dessert. Because He knows you can't beat him. At that point, he turned to her and said, “My dear, you just chose to give up your right to this dessert by eating all the chocolate. Sorry, we will eat it and you won't.” And he will not eat. At this point, it is very important to be determined, compassionate and clear. After a few tries, you can be sure that you will make choices by thinking and calculating profit and loss.
WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT TO USE THE VER OF SELECT IN A SENTENCE?
Because not every body submits; wants to choose. Regardless of age. We are talking about a situation in which children will experience choice, perhaps for the first time in their lives. The child will make a choice, and this choice will have sometimes good and sometimes bad consequences for him. He will learn to see and evaluate the consequences of his choices. His choices will sometimes pay the price, and we, as parents, will be in a position to support him in the process. In this model I described, there are no sentences like "Oh look, I gave you two options, you chose it, now it's no use crying". There is compassion. Compassion and rules go hand in hand. If either one is missing, there is no healthy relationship.
So what do we do if the child suffers, cries, and taunts as a result of his choice? I am here. Ooooo you need to cry out loud. Yes, it's normal to want to cry. Sometimes we can not make the right choice and regret it, we can be sad. Do you want me to hug you?" and similar sentences.
Without compromising your attitude, decisively and making room for the child to cry; a loving and determined stance is possible...
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