First of all, the problems I observe as a family counselor can sometimes be very simple and sometimes incredibly complex. While some of them can be solved simply with small perception touches, some of them may have become the dynamic of the family spread over the years. It is necessary to start explaining in reverse, because it will be easier to understand if we tell what we cannot do in advance. Family counselors cannot place love in couples who do not love each other and do not respect each other. Maybe if you don't have this spirituality, which we cannot do and which we call indispensable in marriage, there is not much he can do for you even if you get help from the best counselor in the world.
Marriage is a bundle of multi-faceted relationships. Communication, role distribution, different value judgments, sexuality, common economy, religion, addictions and many other influences directly affect this tangle of relationships. Having unrealistic expectations from marriage can disrupt people's balance of dependency and independence. No matter how in love couples are, they will not want to lose their independence. Nowadays, with the opportunities provided by technology, the risk of developing too much control and dependency seems very satisfactory in the early days of marriage or relationship, but it can create situations that restrict freedom in the future. Failure to meet these expectations in marriage can seriously erode people's personal identities.
Inadequate communication skills or deliberate deceptions, lies, arguments and conflicts can lead to further deadlock as the couples' sense of trust in each other is damaged during the communication process. The transition from one lifestyle to another, such as a very serious illness or migration from one city to another, can also cause stress for the family, and of course it will be more difficult for a couple with poor communication to cope with this crisis. I did my master's thesis on female breast cancer patients and observed during this process that it is vital to use coping strategies when such a disease enters the family. I have witnessed marriages of couples who were not in good relationships end. Unfortunately, I was surprised to hear that cancer is treated as if it were a contagious disease and couples stay away from each other out of fear of infection. All this is just a few These were the events I experienced while doing a survey.
Marriage brings more conflict than any other long-term relationship, but it is also the area where we get the most satisfaction. It has been observed that there are more conflicts in young couples and that the relationship depends on a long-term process in terms of the correct management of conflicts. According to research conducted since the 1940s, the most basic factors that cause marital conflict are; When we look at it today, in order of sexuality, earnings, children, spouse's relatives, friends, religion, we can accept the same factors, perhaps adding a few. Perhaps in the new era, a shift in interest and lack of love caused by technology can also be added.
First of all, why do people fight? Generally, when couples argue, their aim is not to solve their problems but to make the other party accept their claims. However, couples can distinguish their common and different characteristics and develop methods to resolve conflicts. In such a situation, conflict is useful and healthy in terms of finding new solutions. Now, one of the frequently asked questions is 'When should we go to a family counselor?' An answer would be appropriate. When we frequently discuss the same situations and cannot reach a solution, it would be beneficial to seek guidance from a consultant. We can gain by experiencing constructive discussion while discussing problems with the guidance of the consultant. First of all, whether the winner in a marriage fight is right or wrong will cause great unrest. Because one side winning means the other side losing. What we strongly recommend is that this situation be resolved and that you leave the problems you cannot solve that day to be discussed at another time. I would also like to underline that the essence of family counseling is not to have the professional who will help you be on your side or on the other side, or to establish a coalition and defeat the other side. First of all, even when defining the problem, it is determined in which aspects the couples differ and in which aspects they integrate, and it can be talked about how they contribute to this direction. Don't tell your spouse or friend about the issues you've experienced before, and keep the children on your side. Talking and clarifying situations such as withdrawal and reaching a common point for a solution is always our preferred method. After consensus on this solution is achieved, the work that each party will do towards this solution should be itemized one by one and its feasibility should be checked at some point.
Marriage is a set of relationships and sexuality occupies an important area in this pattern. The role of sexuality in these relationships is very important as it is a tool that shows how healthy the couple's other relationships are. A good sexual relationship is often the result of a good emotional relationship between couples. Of course, these should be discussed and shared in an open relationship. Many couples do not like to share their sexual problems with each other and are worried about telling their sexual expectations to their spouses. Some couples look for a solution to their problems in sexuality, but although this may seem easier, the problems are always swept under the rug because it does not touch the underlying problem. When you receive counseling services as a couple, you can also examine the issue from a sexuality perspective, as all couple counselors are given sexual therapy and coping strategies training.
By realizing your schemas and relationships that are not going away but that you cannot end, you can put an end to the mistakes you have made so far that you know are right. You can finish it, or you can revise it and find the courage to start again. Let's not forget that getting help is never a weakness. We are all human .
WITH AWARENESS ……
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