"We love each other, but we have ridiculous fights." The common denominator of our 100s of clients who apply with this sentence is that they are well-educated, individually successful and have strong communication skills outside of marriage. How come when they argue with the person they think they know best, they can neither understand the other person nor feel understood? If we tried to write the reasons for this, it would take pages, but I will summarize it; The person's spouse model and adult model are formatted differently. In other words, someone who is very positive as an adult may act more negatively as a spouse. I would like to give practical suggestions without making too much of the reasons. It is very easy to do what I say and it is difficult to get rid of the habits of years.
The method is very simple: While your spouse is talking, you focus on what he is saying and listen without interrupting. You definitely do not prepare an answer while listening (this is very important). You just listen. If there is something you do not understand, you ask questions and try to understand. Even if you feel the need to intervene or correct something immediately, you remain silent and continue listening. You can ask questions or ask for an example. However, there is absolutely no interrupting or answering.
This part was the hardest, part 2 is easier; Give feedback, so as far as I understand, you said…this….that….did I understand correctly? ask. Do not add any comments, give feedback using the words your spouse uses. After giving the feedback, now you talk and your partner does the same. The person who sees that he is heard calms down and it becomes easier for him to listen to you. When talking, keep track of what you say, so don't let your partner jump to other topics. The sentence “let's discuss this later, get back to the topic” please is very useful. Working on this very simple method can save a marriage. Have your spouse read this article, too. Trust the method and stick to it. If you do not get results, get help from an expert for different or complementary methods.
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