Do your children drive you crazy by constantly bickering and wearing each other out? Are you tired of being the undervalued mediator in your children's conflicts?
Sounds very familiar, doesn't it?
You are not alone... There is no family without sibling fights. Parents face a wide variety of sibling concerns, from struggles over a minor reason to serious arguments that go on and on.
Research shows that the problem that stresses and worries parents the most, other than discipline, is the difficulties in sibling relationships.
There are many reasons why conflicts between children affect parents: Children's conflicts add more stress to our already tense lives, they make us feel like failures, we wonder what lies behind their anger and aggression, and fights need to be stopped. We see it as a destructive behavior, and we worry that it will continue in the coming years.
There is a fact that sibling conflicts are an indispensable part of family life. Above all, relax. This is not just your family's problem. Think about your own childhood... You used to fight a lot with your brother and you came out of these fights without getting worn out. You were probably doing pretty well while your parents were tired.
So why do siblings not get along or fight?
The reasons for sibling fights are twofold. can be examined: Insignificant (and most common) and important reasons.
Insignificant Reasons for Quarrels
Not every fight may indicate that something is upsetting or that your children are upset about injustice:
Siblings fight;
- Because they are brothers. It is inevitable that there will be conflict between two siblings. The smaller the age difference, the greater the likelihood of a fight.
- Because sometimes they like it. They fight just for fun. They engage in arguments and reveal their feelings in the comfort and security of the family environment, without fear of being embarrassed or losing friends.
- Because they have nothing better to do. You will often find that your children do not fight when they are engaged in an enjoyable activity. They go crazy when they are bored, it can be difficult to predict where the pain will come from.
The next time you get upset when your children fight, remember that these may be the only reasons. Knowing this can help you look at things from a more logical perspective and minimize your anxiety.
Important Reasons for Quarrels
Some sibling fights may stem from emotions that arise in the natural course of growing up. Being aware of these reasons can be useful to reduce the severity of the conflict it creates or even prevent it. What could be these reasons?
Children may feel that they need to compete with their siblings in order to gain their parents' approval, love and attention. This occurs especially with feelings of jealousy when a new baby comes into the family or when an organization such as another sibling's birthday is attended to.
Children have to share toys, sometimes clothes, computers, televisions and even friends. . However, children fight because they do not know how to share. Sharing is not easy for most children. Especially for those whose feelings of jealousy are stronger...
They fight because they are always interested in justice. You hear that a lot, don't you? "It's not fair, you always take his side!" Children constantly keep track of whether their parents treat them equally.
Knowing the reason for sibling fights can help parents look at problems from a different perspective.
Although sibling fights are very disturbing, they make an important contribution to your child's development. Children have the opportunity to learn how to deal with real-life conflicts. Thus, they learn how to compromise, how to share, how to deal with feelings of jealousy and resentment, and how to solve the problem with words.
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Important points to remember to deal with sibling fights:
- A positive attitude Be a model. Children learn the behaviors presented to them in their own lives. If you don't want your children to yell at each other, don't yell either. If you do not want your children to insult each other, choose your words carefully. Set an example of how people should treat each other through your own relationships.
Children, as parents, expect kindness and cooperation from our relationships with other people; They learn to be considerate, patient, fair, tolerant, appreciative and communicate positively.
- Set family rules that emphasize being considerate and respectful. Clarify acceptable and unacceptable behavior in your home. Contrary to popular belief, children really like to live by a fair set of rules. They may not like some rules, but if they know you will enforce them consistently and fairly, they will respect them. Make sure your child knows the rules. If necessary, write them down and hang them where everyone can see them. Rules should apply to everyone in the house (clear, concise, short and few in number). Example: "No name calling, no taking someone's belongings without permission, no hitting, biting, pinching."
- Praise your children when they do good things. Children try every way to attract their parents' attention. ("There is no good or bad advertising"). Don't pay too much attention to misbehavior. The important point is to notice and appreciate children's good behavior, respect for each other, and careful actions. Your praise will make them try harder than anything else to choose good behavior. When they successfully resolve their disagreements on their own, it is the best time to praise them.
- Pay attention to what your children fight about, when and in what order. Although child quarrels cannot be prevented, they are predictable and you can do many things to avoid and avoid the ones that are very upsetting. Example: After dinner or If they start getting restless about half an hour ago and there is a problem, they are probably both hungry, feed them. Even adults get restless when they are hungry, why not children?
- Stay away from their fights. The most common mistake parents make is getting involved in siblings' fights too often and too early. In early interventions, children cannot learn to compromise on their own. Unless your children really cross the limits (physical and verbal humiliations), let them try to solve the situation themselves for a while. Give them the opportunity to solve problems with words and deal with their emotions.
- In some cases, the problem cannot be solved easily and you may need to intervene. In this case, separate the children from each other and warn them by telling them what the consequences of their behavior will be. They will either stop fighting immediately or lose some of the privileges they have.
- Arguing with children is demoralizing enough. Speak using logic to get your children to listen to you. Do not argue or beg when your children do not comply with your wishes. Maintain your determination. Express your expectation calmly and repeat if necessary. You have to keep your cool in the middle of heated arguments.
- Listen to your children's concerns. Sometimes they may feel the need to express their differences in a caring environment where they are not judged (this could be a family gathering). This should not be an environment where complaints are heard, but rather an environment of opportunity for problem solving. What is important at this point is for the child to realize that everyone in the family is taken seriously and that solutions that benefit everyone are tried to be found.
Conflicts between your children are among the experiences that prepare them for life. You will see that they gain many social skills by solving them. These experiences and skills will also help your child solve problems outside the family.
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