No relationship is built to end or be betrayed. Most marriages begin with love, romance and passion. To be together, to share, to be one, to have fun, to grow up together, to grow old together, to multiply and have children... No matter what reason you come together, most couples get married with good intentions and happiness. Then what happens and things change? How come anger and hatred replace good feelings? How come humiliating and accusatory sentences are uttered instead of beautiful words of love? Then that big trauma when you learn that another woman or man has taken your place with a secret message or a picture!!
Scientific research on cheating shows that there is no single reason for cheating. In my article, you will be reading the steps put forward by Psychologist John Gottman, Rusbult and Glass, who say that there are some observable steps in the couple's relationship towards cheating/being cheated on.
The most important and first step towards cheating is perhaps the result of many fights and problems. Then, or after a lack of communication, begin to judge the partner in unpleasant ways and compare them with real or imagined alternatives. “I would be happier with someone else.”, “I deserve better.” thoughts begin to enter the person's mind like a virus. Perhaps without even being aware of this virus.
In strong relationships, individuals notice the moments/attempts when their partner needs and tries to connect, and they respond to this orientation. Like chatting, joking, establishing closeness or supporting each other... Couples begin to turn away from each other or turn against each other, and bonding weakens. They become two strangers in the same house. There is an emotional distance between them. “He wasn't there when I needed him.”…
In negative situations, there is more overflow, conflicts are more intense, and explosions can occur. Conflicts are internalized and repair efforts do not work.
Marriage therapy is a process in which we teach how to express negative emotions appropriately. Because suppressing and ignoring emotions in marriages can have very dangerous consequences. The couple may begin to give up on each other. In the period before cheating/cheating, couples may begin not to express negative emotions. He starts telling me about his inner world and feelings. Negative emotions, such as "I'm very sad, I'm hurt, I'm very angry...", need to be expressed as much as positive emotions in relationships.
Emotional investment in the relationship, taking care of each other, expressing appreciation is possible by maintaining common meanings and rituals. When this does not happen, it can lead to one step closer to the cheating process.
Trust in the spouse in meeting needs may decrease. Couples begin to make less sacrifices for each other or their relationships. He begins to share and spend free time with others, his family of origin and friends, rather than his spouse. Sometimes the spouse starts to criticize the other and the story of "we" gets damaged and turns negative.
Instead of "glorifying with love", they start to "devalue", humiliate and criticize. Deep resentments arise. Therefore, loneliness and loneliness are increasing. While thoughts in favor of the relationship decrease, thoughts against the relationship increase. The state of being open to other relationships begins. You may start looking elsewhere for what you don't have in your marriage. Innocent secret relationships may begin to form. At this stage, the world's leading psychologist, Shirley Glass, with her research on infidelity, states that a curtain is drawn between spouses. With each passing day, more secrets are kept from your spouse and deceptions increase. After a while, if there is no repair and correct interventions, active cheating may begin, boundaries are crossed and a relationship with someone else may begin, contrary to the marriage contract.
Cheating/being cheated on is a deep trauma for both parties. It is just like the emotional, cognitive, social and physical devastation experienced after an earthquake. Even if the earthquake is overcome, thoughts and images about the earthquake will often haunt the mind, destroying the mind over and over again, and causing a fearful expectation that it will happen again. It is quite difficult…
According to the research results and laboratory studies of clinical and social psychology, it has been revealed that such a process usually occurs before cheating/being deceived. Of course, the process may not be experienced this way in all relationships. However, in a relationship that is experiencing gradual ruptures, it is important to be aware of this situation. Spouses should try to talk about their problems appropriately, share positive or negative emotions, focus on understanding and listening, and create common meaning, roles and rituals together. If cheating occurs in a relationship where mutual positive feelings are experienced, I think it will have something to do with that person's character and value judgments. There is one thing that should not be forgotten; Even a single infidelity causes deep wounds in the bond between them and their spouse. What he has lost is very great and valuable... It is very difficult to compensate...
After all this troublesome and traumatic difficult process, the good news is that couples can get over cheating even though it is very difficult, the ruined trust and commitment can be re-established and they can restructure their relationships. we know. However, with professional support…
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