UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE
The most important thing when establishing a relationship with a child is to accept him as he is. As the child lives in an environment where his emotions are accepted, he gradually learns to regulate and soothe his emotions, and begins to behave more healthily.
ACTIVE LISTENING
Active listening is not just listening. Active listening parents are not passive. Not speaking at all when establishing a relationship is not just listening or agreeing with everything he says. Active listening, making eye contact, humming from time to time and giving feedback that the child understands correctly. This keeps the communication alive and encourages the child to open up. This is not a good thing, it causes the child to construct a false identity. If the situation prolongs, the child develops defense and begins to do the opposite of what is said.
Presenting to listen to what the child is saying while cooking does more harm than good to the child. It is not a good thing for the mother or father to act as if they are taking care of their own business at that moment, and to smack whatever they say without contacting the child.
Parents may not be able to take care of the child whenever they want, it is a normal thing. In real life there are limits, they too have needs and responsibilities. If the mother and father are not available at that moment, they should not let the child down and tell the child when he will be available and communicate with the child at the promised time. perceive it as accompanying and feeling the same emotion with the child. In fact, empathy is the ability of the parents to put themselves in the child's shoes and look at the situation with their feelings. In fact, empathy means being able to see the child's emotion and express it, not feeling the same emotion as the child and being sad to the same degree.
For example, his friend has taken his toy and the child is crying. Here, instead of saying "but you are big, don't cry, let your brother play, it's nice to share, etc.", it is a more correct approach to say "he took your toy and you are very upset".
Or his friend hit him" 'you do great, don't hit him, teacher Saying "you felt helpless when he hit you" is a more empathetic approach instead of saying "tell him right away". If he says, "What should I do next time he hits me?" or if he expects protection from parents, it's good to protect. Parents can talk about their feelings first and then ask about their expectations from their parents…
Such as "Things happen, it happens to everyone", "Don't be sad", "Is that something too, you're exaggerating" sentences are to ignore the child's feelings.
What are the sentences you want to hear from your partner or friends as adults when you have a bad day? In such a case, "Don't worry, it will pass. It happens to everyone, life goes on." What happens in your inner world at that moment when you hear sentences like? begins to do, expectations are formed. The role assigned to the child is clear long before the child is born, when the idea of having a child falls into the minds of his parents. Let my child be this or that in the future... It is the project of the parents.
"Let him take care of me when he is old, it is assurance." "He supports his brother." These thoughts are the missions imposed on the child in life and may not coincide with the child's reality.
And this is often evident when the child begins to grow up, that is, when he wants to separate from his parents. This period manifests itself around the age of 1.5 years. Now the child has rebelled and his dependence on the mother is somewhat reduced. His sense of discovery increases, and he can now decide on his own for many things such as walking, sitting and getting up. The wishes and feelings of the child's self may be very different from the mission of the family. It is normal to be different. Because the child is not an extension of the family. He is a separate person.
The mechanism behind this is that parents see the child as an extension of them. This extension piece is in charge of completing what the parents could not do and what was missing. For example, a father who perceives himself as a failure is overly focused on whether the child is successful or not. Maybe the inner need of the child is to achieve some things, fail at some things, to lead an average life. If the father perceives the child as a part of himself, he does not give this right to the child. Your child's needs and desires Perhaps the inner need of a mother who constantly takes piano lessons, although she does not have it, is to learn the piano, and again for an internal reason, she cannot fulfill this desire and assigns this task to the child.
Parents often do not make these behaviors consciously. Everyone maintains the system they see. This is how our unconscious works. He passes on what he has experienced to the next generation. The healthiest thing to do here is for parents to realize this, to work on separation, and to find ways to meet their inner needs. This stage is often difficult. It is beneficial to receive professional support.
How do parents understand that they are inhibiting the separation of the child?
They may engage in inhibiting behaviors in order to prevent the child from growing up as a separate individual. At the very beginning of this, they can narrow the child's living space and as a result, the child cannot go very far. It's at your knees. Well, how do they do this without realizing it?
Giving unconditional love
When a child does something that pleases the parents, they are loved very much, and may not be seen in normal times. For example, when you eat a meal your mother wants, she is praised, loved, called my lion, my princess, well done. However, when he does something according to his own needs, he is treated ordinary and sometimes even badly.
Abandoning
When parents do something that they do not like, parents leave them physically or emotionally alone and do not contact when they need it. .
When the child is not the ideal child, the parents stop showing affection, caring, or talking to the child. They act like they don't exist.
Does sentences like "I won't be your mother", "I'll give you to the neighbor", "I won't help you if you don't do what I say" sound familiar? >
When a child does something voluntarily, both what he is doing and himself are belittled, with the look or the tone of voice. Sometimes it is said outright; "You can't do it, you can't do it." "I told you so" means "you don't know, I know". "The little ones don't interfere." It gives the message to the child that he is inadequate and worthless. Child, separation to one During the convalescence period, he begins his journey of discovery by slowly opening up to the world. Mimics and sensual contact provide the transition of emotion. Although the threat or intimidation is not verbal, if the caregivers look at or touch the child with the fear that something will happen to him, the child bears this anxiety and suppresses the sense of entrepreneurship and curiosity.
By showing violence
Sometimes, When the child acts according to his own feelings, he may be exposed to verbal or physical violence. Shouting, insulting or threatening is terrorizing the child. In general, children freeze in such situations.
Most parents do this without noticing, rarely are they aware of it, but they don't know the solution.
4 Basic Messages for the Child
1- I care about you. I don't care about your success or failure.
2- I see that you are a separate person, I respect your feelings and thoughts.
3- I want to give you the responsibilities you can take.
4- Communicate with you as much as you allow.
If you realize that you have difficulties in giving these messages as a parent and you still cannot change your attitude and feelings, getting professional support at this point can help.
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