Communication is the art of mutual conversation that includes processes such as clearly expressing what we mean to the other person, sharing information, thoughts and feelings, and listening. In our daily lives, we interact with our family, friends, partner, boss, etc. We have to communicate. Communication is one of the most important elements of living a quality life.
We see that the source of the problem, both in couples applying for therapy and in people with individual problems, is often a blockage in communication. Many people complain about not being understood. So why does this happen?
“ Why don't you look at me when I'm telling you something? I think you're not listening to me this way."
"I can listen to you without looking at you."
"All you have to do is lift your head and look at me. I don't want your hours, can't you focus on me for a few minutes?"
"Why do you always cause trouble? You are looking for a place to disturb my peace. Won't I be able to come home from work and be peaceful in this house for an evening?"
"You are the one who really disturbs my peace. It's been the same thing for years. You don't care about me at all. I'm trying to tell you something and as always, the only thing you think about is yourself."
"If I didn't care, I wouldn't spend all these years with you."
….
And the conversations continue like this. expense. This and similar conversations may have happened to you too. Communication is blocked and people cannot express themselves. The result of not being able to express oneself is often outbursts of anger. Or in some cases, the person chooses to take revenge by not listening to the other person or not taking them seriously. Today's event brings the past to the present and the problem grows even bigger. This type of communication is shaped according to people's culture, education, lifestyle and especially their personality structure.
If a person's personality structure is built on the core of worthlessness, he may perceive whatever the other person says as devaluing him. Some people overprotect themselves, so they perceive the slightest criticism as an attack and close themselves off to that communication. They may sometimes use direct verbal attacks to neutralize what they perceive as an attack. Some people choose to communicate on their own in accordance with their personality structure. They put them in a state of silence and thus avoid close relationships. Most of these people keep saying that they cannot be understood unless they know that this is a game of the unconscious. So, how many of us question how much we understand the other person?
I think one of our biggest problems is not really listening to the other person! Most of the time we don't listen to understand. As in the example above, our answers come automatically, regardless of what the other person says. Because, in our opinion, we are either judged, criticized, disliked, or disapproved. Most of the time, this is not the case at all, but we get caught up in this game to continue the path we know. What does this mean? Whatever our families have imposed on us since childhood, we either drag the people in our lives into that unhealthy communication or we choose and find the person who suits our nature. The result is always the same... Communication gets blocked and relationships either do not last or we become unhappy.
A lot of theoretical information can be given about communication. A lot of research can be explained, but in summary, no matter what we say, our communication is only as long as the other person understands us. In order to maintain communication, which is the main source of healthier and more qualified relationships, we must try to listen, empathize and take responsibility for what we feel. Is it really the other person who doesn't understand us, or is it us who think we are not understood?
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