We know that many things in psychology begin to settle in the early years of childhood. At this point, the concept of attachment emerges as an action that begins in the womb before birth. Starting from the last 2-3 weeks of pregnancy until 2 years after birth, the baby begins to perceive his environment slowly and this gradually becomes stronger. The main point of attachment begins with the baby's distinguishing his mother (primary caregiver) from others.
At this stage, it is very important for the caregiver to understand the needs of the baby correctly and to have an attitude towards it. However, the presence of the father (secondary caregiver) enables the baby to learn that in situations where the mother is not enough, the baby can still be safe without fear of helplessness.
Thus, the 3 basic functions of connecting; While exploring the world, the chance to be a safe port to return to, to meet physical needs, to develop a sense of security for life is realized safely. However, it is not right to scapegoat caregivers as the cause of insecure attachments. Because people have an innate temperament. This can be understood as feeling insecure by the baby despite all the efforts of the caregiver. In other words, it is claimed that the temperament of the mother and the child is one of the determinants of the child's attachment style.
The way of attachment, which is largely clarified in the first childhood, undergoes changes that cannot be ignored in the first childhood, adolescence and adulthood. The reason for this is that man cannot avoid being a social being. During adolescence, the relationship between parents and children does not become less important, only the child becomes less dependent on his parents. Young people are trying to achieve their independence during these years, but they also want to be aware that their parents will be there for support when they need it. One way to seek independence from parents is to rely on friends as attachment figures. Transferring trust from parents to friends is an important process in young people's lives because it is a struggle at first, but it supports them to fully develop their adult attachment style. In early childhood, moving away from the family and creating a new environment The person who acquires the child discovers that he can establish intimacy with the exception of the primary caregivers, or he starts to see other people as untrustworthy due to the peer problems he has experienced. Then, in adolescence, she experiences different shares with the opposite sex with her sexual impulses. At these stages, peer adjustment, positive-negative experiences can develop the established secure-insecure attachment style in the opposite or supportive way. Finally,
there are three features that distinguish adult attachment from childhood attachment: 1. In adults, attachment relationships are typically between spouses, while in the other, it is between caregiver (infant) and caregiver (parent). . 2. Adult attachment is not responsible for influencing other behavioral systems, such as childhood attachment. 3. Attachment in adulthood often includes sexual intercourse.
How attachment has occurred so far and what supports secure attachment We have drawn a general framework of what can cause insecure attachment. So what are secure and insecure attachment styles? Here, we will talk about Bowlby's attachment theory, which brings a new perspective to attachment theory. Bowlby put forward a generally accepted theory by combining people's positive/negative perceptions of themselves and positive/negative perceptions of others. These are;
· Secure Attachment: Feeling valued and loved often backs up the sense of being that he is with his expectations of the acceptability and responsiveness of other people. They can accept their difficulties and ask for help. He is comfortable in expressing difficult situations and emotions. When faced with a stressful situation, they respond more calmly and experience less stress than other attachment styles. They perceive anger/irritability and control it. They are prone to problem solving. They easily adapt to what current life brings.
· Avoidant/ Indifferent Attachment: The feeling of feeling lovable and valuable to other people. coupled with negative expectations. Such people protect themselves against disappointment without establishing close relationships. Thus the bond they maintain their innocence and invulnerability. In general, they tend to avoid deep relationships, they may prefer short-term and only sexual relationships. Suppresses negative emotions and avoidance strategies are established as basic coping strategies.
· Preoccupied Attachment: Feeling unworthy (trying to be loved) They combine a positive evaluation of others with a sense of being unworthy. Thus, they are individuals who have low self-confidence, perceive others as supportive, cannot benefit positively from this support, and have low levels of self-disclosure. They need others to love and appreciate them. They are extremely anxious and constantly exaggerate negative emotions. Thus, they think that they can attract the attention of their partners.
· Fearful Attachment: With the feeling of feeling worthless and unlovable, they make others feel negative, untrustworthy. and expectations to be perceived as rejecting coalesce. By avoiding close bonds with other people, these individuals guard against the rejection that is already expected from others. However, they have a very strong desire to have a close relationship, but when things get better, they fear getting hurt and end the relationship. These people are people who constantly change partners or want to leave and return. it creates great destruction or getting close with a partner can be perceived as a loss of freedom. But they don't realize that these are distortions of thought that result from feeling like a failure. These people are always distant, find themselves a constant pursuit or become a workaholic. They hesitate to make decisions and do not make plans for the future. They are prone to cheating so they believe they are not getting close to a single person. They always have a feeling of emptiness and loneliness in them. Because they avoid their own emotions, they cannot perceive themselves or their partner's emotions in a real way, and they have difficulty empathizing. They are in a constant state of self-defense.
All What should we do if we have these characteristics, or if most of them suit us?
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Choosing to be self-directed is the joy that can be enjoyed without others exploring stimulating, relaxing activities. An excessive expectation of others means placing too much responsibility on them. Therefore, they may show avoidance behavior.
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Research and accept your attachment style and be aware of your involuntary actions.
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Planning joint activities with your partner by being bold about new experiences . If you don't have a partner, taking steps to talk to people close to you or to get to know new people.
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Reshaping your negative perception of criticism and trying to get the message that is actually meant to be given.
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Making readings to help you recognize your feelings and communicating without hesitation to show your feelings to others.
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If you have a partner, try to get to know him/herself better without comparing him/herself to other relationships. Of course, you can explain to your partner that you are entering a new process and you can get support from him in this regard.
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Getting professional support.
Of course, In order to be able to do all of these and get rid of the feeling of not being able to connect, you need to be sure that you really want it. In addition, it should not be forgotten that it is necessary to take a step and take action for the desired change.
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