The marriage union, which is established for the purpose of establishing a family and creating new generations, sometimes does not last a lifetime as imagined and ends in divorce.
Expectations such as love, closeness, trust and respect are not met adequately, economic problems, spouses' Indifference and hurtful behavior towards each other, cheating, family intervention in marriage, educational and cultural differences, addictions and sexual problems cause the marriage to end.
Deciding on Divorce
Deciding on divorce becomes difficult, especially when children are involved. In fact, most of the time, marriages are continued just for this reason. However, a healthy divorce is always better for the child than a negative continuation of the marriage. Because children take what they experience as a model. Even if there is no violence at home, tension, conflict or distance between parents causes children to realize that things are not going well and cause them to worry.
Points to Consider During the Divorce Process
First of all, it is very important to be honest and sincere with children. Before talking about divorce, decisions must be made and plans must be made. Clear and simple information should be given about what happened and what will happen next. It should be said that this situation is difficult for everyone, but over time you will get used to the new situation. Children often question why their parents divorced, whether this situation has anything to do with them, what will happen to them from now on, where and with whom they will live, how often they see the other parent, and the changes they will encounter. It is necessary to be prepared for these questions and to have decided on each of them. Simple, clear and correct answers should be given to the questions. Talking to parents without blaming each other and telling them that the divorce is a joint decision helps reduce the child's anxiety. Uncertainties and mutual accusations about the post-divorce period cause anxiety, and anxiety causes adaptation and behavioral problems.
How to Explain to the Child?
When the relationship between the parents begins to deteriorate, the child experiences a feeling of 'abandonment' and a 'feeling of division'. For this reason, the concept of divorce When explaining the situation, the child should first be made to feel that he/she will remain in a safe environment.
Should Every Details Be Explained?
Even though the divorce decision has been made, the divorce process and its aftermath are a difficult period for everyone. Until they get used to the new situation, children often ask their parents why they divorced. Explaining everything that happened and the reasons for the divorce in detail is extremely worrying for children of any age. Preschool children have difficulty understanding and listening to long and detailed explanations due to their verbal skills. In older children, the details of what happened cause children to become confused and increase their feelings of guilt. For this reason, the divorce process should be explained using simple and clear expressions without going into details.
After Divorce
The manner and frequency of children's contact with their parents after divorce should be regular and specific. Most often, children stay with the mother during weekdays and school hours and with the father during weekends and holidays. In some special cases, the opposite also happens. As long as this situation is regular, the child will not experience any loss in modeling as he/she will spend time with both parents. However, if for any reason one of the parents does not want to meet with the child or disrupts their meeting times, the child will feel abandoned by his/her parents. A child who is abandoned by one parent begins to worry that he will be abandoned by the other parent as well. A child who cannot spend sufficient and quality time with his or her mother or father may experience model loss. In this case, models that can replace the mother or father can replace the parent. This model may sometimes be from within the family, or sometimes it may be from people outside the family, such as a teacher or sports coach.
Age of the Child
The division of family unity affects children at any age. The reactions given vary depending on the child's age, gender, emotional state and the support he receives from his parents. The child's reaction to the new situation This is a normal and expected situation. However, the severity and duration of the reaction shown are important.
In young children, not wanting to separate from mother or father, sleeping and eating problems, incontinence of pee/poop, harming peers, introversion and appearing sad. While symptoms such as moodiness, moodiness, and masturbation are observed in older children, problems such as holding oneself responsible for the divorce, anxiety, depression, introversion or hyperactivity, anger, adjustment problems, decrease in academic success, and conflict with authority are encountered. Psychosomatic diseases such as headache, abdominal pain and nausea may occur in some children as a result of not being able to express emotions.
When parents receive expert support on how to explain the situation, what reactions they may encounter, and how to manage the process from the moment they decide to divorce, divorce will be an easier situation for both themselves and the child.
Suggestions for Parents:
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Explain the divorce decision together. If one of the parents has difficulty speaking and explaining the situation, only one parent can explain the decision and what will happen afterwards in the presence of both parents.
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Tell them that the end of the marriage means that the mother and father will no longer live in the same house.
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Especially for preschool children, mothers and fathers It should be emphasized that he will continue to be a father.
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Children often ask the reason for divorce. Telling the details, regardless of age, will increase the child's anxiety and damage the child's feelings of trust, love and respect for the other parent.
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Do not compete in taking care of your child, spending time with him, and meeting all his needs. This will result in emotionally wearing out your child. The real situation that will harm your child is when the disagreement and friction between the two parents becomes so obvious that it turns into competition.
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You must yourself , ge Do not hesitate to get help for your child during the divorce process. Being strong is not measured by avoiding getting help. On the contrary, the quality of life for you and your child after this process will increase with the help you receive.
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