We are going through very difficult times. We are in the days when we are trying to reach everywhere, full of the desire to heal everyone, but we do not have to act as much. It is possible to talk about the earthquake and its many negative effects on people. In this article, I would like to talk about how we can explain these losses to children who lost their relatives after the earthquake in the most accurate and harmless way.
While death itself is such a difficult concept, explaining it to a child is one of the most difficult issues for us as adults. It is very important to know the developmental periods and characteristics of the child when explaining such losses to the child. In order to be more understandable and easier, I will try to explain how the concept of death should be approached according to that child's developmental period.
0-2 AGE PERIOD AND DEATH
0-2 In the age period, children see their attachment figures, namely their parents, as a limb of themselves. Because they still meet their basic needs through their parents, especially the mother. Language skills of children in this period are not yet developed. For this reason, we cannot explain death to a child with language. However, the child's nervous system and body have an ongoing memory independent of language. For this reason, the child experiences the loss of parents as an experience of absence. Therefore, the child has bodily sensations created by the sense of absence.
In this case, the most important and almost the only thing that the person who takes care of the child should do after the loss of the parent is to strive to be a secure attachment figure to the child. Providing the child's basic care with plenty of sensual contact, plenty of affectionate tone of voice and plenty of eye contact helps to alleviate the absence of the child.
3-9 AGE PERIOD AND DEATH
< From the age of p> 3, the language skills of the child begin to develop. However, until the age of 10, children cannot yet acquire abstract thinking skills. As we know, death is an abstract concept that cannot be touched and seen with the naked eye. For this reason, it is necessary to explain the abstract concept of death to the child by making it as concrete as possible. At this point, we can not talk about death without making a story, without dramatizing it, without combining it with religious concepts, without using abstract expressions. It is very important to lick. First of all, it is important that this news is given to the child by someone whom the child trusts and feels close to.Death should be explained to the child with the word "dead". Although this may seem like a hurtful word, it is the most descriptive expression for the child's understanding of the situation. In our culture, death is often explained to children as 'a long sleep, a far place to go, the person who goes sees us in heaven'. Although such descriptions make us adults feel comfortable, they make room for as many new questions as possible in the child's mind. For example, when death is a place to go, the child may expect that the person who left will return again, or he may think that the person who has left has left him. On the other hand, when death is described as a long sleep, the child's thoughts and feelings about sleep may be disrupted.
So what should we do? We can explain death to children in this developmental period as the end of life. For example;
“All living things in nature are born, grow and die. Birds, fish, trees, flowers and people. Yes, he is dead. It is no longer alive. Because he is not alive, he does not breathe, does not hurt, does not have a heartbeat, does not hear and does not see. I know it is very difficult to describe and hear these. We get very, very sad when someone dies, and that's very normal. I know that right now you are trying to understand and you are very sad. An explanation such as “I am with you” will be sufficient for the child at that moment. However, later on, the child's questions, feelings, and behaviors about death will emerge. We can get information from reliable sources about how to deal with these questions, emotions and behaviors as an adult, and we can seek expert help when we cannot cope. The key point to remember here is that we need to increase our capacity to accept the child's every emotion. Although it seems useful to try not to upset the child; it doesn't work in most cases. The child can show his sadness sometimes by crying, sometimes by getting angry and sometimes by whining. When this happens, we as adults focus our attention not on the child's behavior; We must give in to the emotion underlying the behavior. And we have to reflect this feeling on the child. How? there are a lot of emotions. You are struggling too. You miss your mother, you are very sad, worried etc. I can see this. What can I do for you?" like.
Finally, it should not be forgotten that you, as a relative of the child, have also experienced a loss. It is a fact that this situation is as difficult for the child as it is for those who give the news to the child. Therefore, it is very normal for you to force it under these conditions.
With solidarity and love...
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