Loneliness is unfortunately perceived as bad in society. In fact, what is healthy is sometimes being alone and sometimes being able to socialize. Both are normal. Is necessary. Spiritually mature people can achieve both.
Why is one afraid of loneliness?
To be alone means to turn inward. As the person socializes, he engages with the other, but when he is alone, he starts to contact his inner world. As he stays alone, he begins to notice many negative emotions.
Winnicott states that mature people have a developed capacity to be alone. The capacity to be alone is related to one's capacity to tolerate destructive emotions in one's inner world. Yes, being alone is a skill that needs to be developed.
Being alone confronts a person with many negative emotions. If the person cannot bear these feelings, he will always keep himself busy in order not to be alone. Some people can't even eat alone, some people even go to the toilet with a group of friends, they want noise around them all the time. We see that the ability of people who have difficulty in being alone to regulate negative emotions either does not develop or develops at a minimum level.
Continuous eating, serial marathons, unnecessary shopping, dealing with the phone all the time, being a workaholic, addictions such as cigarettes and alcohol… There may be things that a person does to mute his inner world.
What is the relationship between emotion regulation skills and childhood?
A good enough motherhood is to read the verbal and non-verbal signals of the child well and to meet the child's emotional and biological needs in a timely manner and as much as the child needs, to provide the child with an environment of love and trust, and to gradually realize it over time.
The mother's womb represents heaven; All the needs of the baby are met when he thinks about it. Everything is perfect. He experiences his first break at birth, for example, he has to work his lungs to breathe, that is, he has to make an effort. In the ongoing process, disappointments increase as they meet real life. He has now come out of heaven and into the real world.
Thanks to the embracing environment that the mother will prepare for the child, The child can tolerate and regulate the bad feelings caused by these breaks. The more good emotions he receives from the mother, the more developed his ability to regulate bad emotions. Over time, the child internalizes the mother and can cope with the destructive emotions inside, thanks to the mother he internalized. Therefore, as he learns to soothe himself, his capacity to be alone increases.
What is the relationship between being occupied and loneliness in early development?
Winnicott, the baby is alone in the presence of the second person states that being able to be alone is a need and is important for the development of the capacity to be alone.
A second person, in our culture, is usually the mother, being alone in her presence can be thought of as the mother not occupying the child, but giving her space.
Imagine a scene, the baby is lying down, wants to rest. The mother is also in the room and is constantly watching her; She's either trying to get her to eat, changing, checking her diapers, straightening her blanket, or trying to make her laugh all the time. Here the baby CANNOT STAY ALONE. It's being invaded. Actually healthy; When the baby gives a signal to the mother, for example when she cries, to satisfy her needs, or if she does not respond to the mother's love, leaving her alone, for example, if she constantly turns her head or throws her back while trying to make her laugh, it is not forcing it.
Let this scene come to your mind, He is 3 years old and in the same room as his mother. The mother is reading a magazine, the child is sitting alone in the corner or is tinkering with the ropes on the carpet. The mother does not deal with the child, for example, she does not say "why are you pulling the rope of the carpet". She does what she needs in two people. Here the child is allowed to be alone, she.
Sometimes people want to socialize and sometimes they want to be alone. Many relationships are established during the day and there is an exchange of emotions. When the person is alone, his brain has the opportunity to contact, process and digest the emotions he experiences. This is true for babies and children alike. For this reason, it is a necessity to be on your own from time to time. However, sometimes caregivers can't leave it alone, it clings to the child.
Why does the mother occupy the baby?
Such situations arise from the mother's own childhood. It is caused by trying to solve their problems over the baby. This means that there are moments in the mother's story when she is invaded and feels bad, and the unconscious tries to get rid of her negative feelings by giving these moments to someone else.
For example, let's say she is constantly watching the baby. This means that there are memories of the mother being watched all the time, and there are many negative emotions in those memories. The unconscious thinks that he has cleared these feelings by making someone else experience the same event. However, since every suppressed emotion comes back stronger, he makes his child experience the same situation again and again. When the occupied child becomes an adult, this tradition continues and this problem is passed on from generation to generation.
If the mother intends to explore these feelings and deals with her inner world, she can prevent this. If the emotions are too intense, they can solve the problem by getting expert support.
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