Relationships and problems related to relationships concern all of us very closely. In fact, we are all in a relationship. Our relationship with our mother, our relationship with our father, our relationship with our spouse, our relationship with our friends or our child. There are situations when our relationships go well or don't go well, but if there is a relationship that often goes wrong, there are definitely the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse. So, then, what are these 4 horsemen that cause all relationships in the world to deteriorate?
1- CRITICISM
When criticisms made in a healthy way are appropriate and sufficient, they do not damage relationships. However, when the criticisms are not appropriate and sufficient, and contain negative statements about the person's character or personality, relationships begin to deteriorate. This situation is especially common among spouses. Even though some criticisms may not seem like verbal criticism, the person's tone of voice, facial expressions, body posture, looks and behavior may contain criticism. In other words, criticism may not always occur verbally. Why do relationships break down when criticism comes? In fact, there are many reasons for this, but to define it in general terms, it leads to a behavior that pushes the other party to defend. When people are exposed to criticism that is unhealthy, inappropriate and inadequate, they automatically become defensive. Defensiveness generally means responding to criticism with criticism or making accusations. Thus, mutual criticism and blame continue like a vicious circle. How can we get rid of this situation that affects relationships very negatively? What can we do? The most effective method here is always to use I language. A sentence uttered to your spouse or another person with whom you are in a relationship such as "You are so selfish, you always do what you want" is criticism. Probably the other person faced with such criticism will become defensive and a form of communication that ends in an argument will emerge. Using I language here prevents all these negative situations. For example, the sentence "I understand that you want to do what you want, but I would be very happy if you also attach importance to my wishes" will help the other party understand you more and get closer to you. He will.
2-CONSTANTLY BEING DEFENSIVE
Constantly defending ourselves is one of the situations that negatively affects our relationships. Constantly defending oneself will actually give the other party the message, "I don't understand you." The other party who feels misunderstood will walk away from the relationship. This is one of the four situations that ruin relationships. A person who constantly defends does not listen to the other side. The person who is constantly in a defensive state also tries to convey the message to the other party, "It's not me, it's you." Statements such as "You are the one who made me make mistakes, if I got angry, I got angry because of you, if you weren't like this, I wouldn't have done these things" are defense. In such cases, the person who is constantly in defense does not take responsibility because defense means "the problem is not with me". This situation, which negatively affects relationships, should be changed and a healthier form of communication should be introduced. For example, if the person who is constantly on the defensive takes responsibility and shows that he understands the other party, there will be a mutual rapprochement and this rapprochement will put the relationship in a more positive atmosphere. For example, taking responsibility by saying "I am aware that I should not have shouted, but I have difficulty controlling my anger when you treat me like this, so I ask you to be sensitive about this issue" will prevent the other party from blaming or defending. Criticism and defense mechanisms are intertwined. Criticism becomes quite defensive. Individuals constantly engage in a war of blaming each other and justifying themselves. The existence of this duo can seriously put relations in a dead end.
3- HUMILIATION
Humiliation behavior is one of the negative behaviors that should not be in relationships. . Like criticism and constant defensiveness, humiliation drives relationships downhill, so much so that when humiliation occurs between spouses, it is considered a predictor of divorce. In its simplest definition, humiliation is the situation where a person constantly considers himself superior to another. This situation also includes the behavior of underestimating the other party. It also brings. Insulting behavior, whether verbal or non-verbal, always involves an insult to the other party's personality. For example, sentences such as "You are so incompetent, I have told you so many times, this is what will happen if you do not listen to me, you cannot achieve this" are words of humiliation to the other party. In such a situation, the other party may become angry, upset, leave the environment, or take a stand. In such a relationship, conflicts are inevitable. Where there is humiliation, problem-solving skills atrophy. Because the person who insults will have the thought that I am superior, therefore I am better than you, you are inferior and flawed, he does not tend to solve the problem and always believes that the other party should correct himself. That's why problems remain unresolved in such a relationship.
4-WALL CLAYING
Wall-building behavior is harmless and It is thought to be harmless. However, stonewalling behavior is as harmful and dangerous as the other three types of behavior listed. What is stonewalling behavior in relationships? When tension rises in relationships or there is an argument, one of the people closes himself off to the other party almost completely, both physically and spiritually. The person who builds walls does not speak, does not react, or does these things very limitedly. The person who builds a wall actually makes the other party feel worthless, because lack of reaction means ignoring the other party. Since this situation will anger the other party, the argument begins to grow. Wall building behavior is a very common behavior, especially in Turkish society. Suffering, not speaking, leaving the house or withdrawing. Here, the person alienates the other person with whom he or she is in a relationship, and this affects relationships negatively. For this reason, what needs to be done is to first calm down and then talk about the current situation in the relationship. In this conversation, the 4 horsemen should be avoided because criticizing, defending, humiliating and building walls not only disrupt communication but also prevent the person from being understood by the other party. Therefore, both sides constantly say, "You follow me." They often repeat the sentences "You don't understand" to each other. In order to prevent this, it is necessary to stay away from the behaviors mentioned in the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse.
As a result, no matter what relationship you are in, if there are these four types of behavior, it is very likely that the relationships will deteriorate. In order to maintain healthy relationships, these four types of behavior should be avoided. This problem, especially experienced between couples, is addressed during the psychotherapy process and these skills are given to couples as a priority. Couples who have these skills begin to acquire new communication skills. Thanks to their newly acquired communication skills, they can turn into couples who understand each other better, begin to compromise better, and overcome their problems with less damage.
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