The first three years of our lives are the most important period in identity formation. These are the years when neurobiological development in the brain is at its fastest. Depending on the severity and frequency of the negative experiences we experience during this period, severe pathologies such as narcissistic, borderline and schizoid personality disorders may occur in our personality, while it may also remain as a narcissistic, borderline, schizoid personality organization. In this article where we discuss the narcissistic structure; Details about negative experiences and narcissistic identity characteristics are included.
The skeleton of our personality is formed in the first 3 years of our lives. In the first 3 years, certain months are turning points in both our physical and spiritual development. During these critical months, neurobiological developments also occur in our brain. In parallel with the negative experiences we experience, our development may stop and we may get stuck in that period, such as not being able to move on to the next grade. The personality traits of the period we hang out in are also reflected in our relationships as our dominant characters. The traumas we are exposed to in the first 3 years of our lives cause personality disorders. Like Borderline and Schizoid personality disorders, Narcissistic personality disorder is one of the early personality disorders. Depending on the severity of the pathology experienced, severe personality disorder may occur, or the dominant character of the person, which is a milder clinical picture compared to personality disorder, may also be seen as narcissistic, borderline and schizoid personality organization.
Between the 0th and 18th months of your infancy. If your caregiver met your needs not when you wanted them, but when he planned them in his mind, and did not allow you to exist in order to raise a "project child" in his mind, especially if you were prevented from realizing the charm of the world and trying to touch and approach hundreds of things to be discovered in your infancy period after 8 months, there would be no mess. If you couldn't open the locked doors of the drawers to prevent them from falling apart, or if it was taken from you and placed higher up just as you managed to do it, your curiosity was raised, if you had to wait three more hours hungry because you had been fed an hour before, while you were crying with an open stomach, your crying crises should be soothed instead of finding and fixing the problem. If they tried to do so, if they were not empathetic to your needs and you were subjected to parental impositions of thought!…
I was very young, I was just becoming aware of the world. I had many demands and requests. My feelings, excitement and enthusiasm were intense. I had just started to move from parallel to the ground to vertical. I was just getting up and was able to crawl away from my mother for the first time. I lived "integrated" with my mother until I was 7-8 months old. These were all my first signs of “dissociation” and how exciting everything was. Touching and feeling the new. If you ask my feelings; It was as if I was merging with the world. What is this! My excitement was short-lived. I was no longer prevented from achieving what I wanted, and it was taken away from me just as I reached out and grabbed it. I could no longer access what I saw, I was crying, I was being punished. But I couldn't talk, I could only cry. I was very scared when my mother got angry. The more I cried, the more I was deprived of my desires. First, what I discovered was taken away from me, and then my love was cut off. If I insisted on my wishes, I was punished and unloved. If I did as they wanted, I was loved, but I couldn't live without love! I was so small, I couldn't survive on my own! I had obligations, and above all, as a child, I needed to be "loved unconditionally". These were my must-haves. In his absence, all that was left was to give up on myself. As a child whose own existence was not acknowledged; “What do others expect from me?” I would look and wait. I knew that this waiting was to meet my need to be loved more. Because I was no longer "someone who could create what I wanted" and "I was someone who met desires". I was now a project. I had to be the kind of child my mother wanted me to be. I would never be the "real me", I would live my life with a "fake self". Just like when I was a baby, I would look for approval in someone else's eyes, and if I was approved, I would know that I was doing the right thing. If I encountered disapproving looks, I would stop doing what I wanted...
And I would not be able to empathize at all, I had not learned to empathize! I was like my mother's thoughts, and the whole world was like my mind. Just like what was going through my mind, someone else's needs and story could not have another idea! spouse when I get married When my friend said to me, "I'm so bored, I want to be with my friends," it would not be possible for me to understand this need. Why would he go? What did he need? Or when I became a parent, my child's hair was messy and I was trying to fix it, but when he tried to get away from my hand and said "I don't want it, I like it that way", this would not be possible, it would not be possible to go out with messy hair. While the people around me were constantly complaining, I would not understand them, and moreover, I would be accused of making decisions about them, forcing them to live the way I wanted, and being an imposer. The worst part was that if they didn't do what I wanted, I would be faced with stopping loving them and making life unbearable for them. What did it have to do with anything? These were not real! Just like what was in my head, all these experiences were "my fusion". I was seeing the world “in my own fusion” as I was taught. Did I have another chance?
Actually, there was more; Giving up what I wanted as a baby was so painful that I couldn't bear it. I had isolated my emotions! I couldn't understand when they said, "Don't you have any conscience? Aren't you sorry for what you did to me?" I couldn't feel the emotions of the people around me. In fact, “I couldn't feel my own emotions either.” I knew, but I couldn't feel it. I learned that this is a defense mechanism; It's "insulation". It was a very thick insulating material drawn between emotions and consciousness. Am I guilty?
The feeling I experienced when I just discovered the world was like making love with the world. My mother didn't let me make love with the world and I had no choice but to make love with myself. I started masturbating very early. My need to rub against objects, which I normally had to satisfy at the age of 4-5, started when I was 2 years old. This was how I started to calm the emotions that my mother could not calm down. This is called "sexualization". My intense, long-lasting masturbations and my need for sex with different partners are "actions" done to calm myself; I learned that my fetishism was trying to control my mother, whom I could not control at the time, through a piece of object. When something went wrong in my life, these were my escape routes. So was what I did my fault?
I was a baby and that's it. r negative emotion was very difficult to deal with! I wasn't loved! The feelings of evil, worthlessness, and loneliness were so painful! It made me feel like I was the bad one, my mother/parent, like a goddamn piece of shit. It was very difficult to bear this. I had found a way; I needed to get my bad feelings out. If almost everyone else except me was bad, worthless, incompetent, incompetent, dirty and ugly, I could be the most beautiful, the most handsome, the most valuable, the most successful. So my ideas, my choices, were the best. If something went wrong, I would feel so worthless and bad inside that I could not calm down, no matter who was next to me, without putting this feeling on them. Then, no matter what they did, I could humiliate them and insult them. Sometimes my anger would increase so much that I would even resort to violence. I learned that this is "projection" when I cannot tolerate the bad inside me and attribute it to others. Relief by driving the other person crazy with anger and helplessness is also "projective identification". Are these also my fault?
My need for admiration, applause, being unique and different from others, looking very good, being very good at my job; I had an obligation to fulfill what was expected of me. I was up, they were down. I was special, they were ordinary, I was unique and always somewhere to be seen. See me, admire me, applaud me, do what I want! You all exist for me, the world is as I see it! It all started when he was 9 months old and ended before he was 18 months old. Now the skeleton of my identity was clear and was I the guilty one?
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