Manipulation is one of the most frequently heard and expressed concepts in the session room and in daily life. Naturally, people have begun to question whether the process they are experiencing is manipulation or not, how they can be protected from this process, and why they are experiencing this/allowing it to happen. The purpose of this article is to look at this process from the perspective of both the person who manipulates and the person who is the victim of it, and to examine this process a little more deeply.
First of all, I would like to start by expressing the macro-level reasons why the manipulation process is more intense. One of the important reasons why this process is happening more is that we have moved into a period where individuality is more prominent. While it was previously a common stance in Western cultures; Individualism has permeated our culture today, and a negative reflection of this is the fact that people make others experience this process more due to reasons such as daily interests and control of the relationship. In another article, I examined the impact of processes without individuality on people's boundaries. The aim here is not to negate individuality; Trying to explain the effect of the spread of self-centered personalities that cross paths with manipulation on human relations.
One of the reasons why manipulation is used so frequently is the fact that every human relationship leads to a power relationship and we enter a speed spiral with the transformation we undergo. We consume faster and therefore more; Unfortunately, couple relationships, romantic or friend relationships are also included in what we consume. Since our age is the age of speed, one of the most important issues today and one of the things that are thought to be done in order to be involved in this dizzying process is to benefit from a certain power over the other. In these conditions, the door is wide open to manipulation, which is the newest and most effective device for "acquiring power".
Manipulation; It is a situation where one person influences another, consciously directs and forces him to act against his will. Psychological manipulation is a form of social influence that aims to change the perception or behavior of others through inadequate, deceptive, or even abusive strategies. It is defined as .
Social impact is not always negative; Social influence is perceived as harmless when it offers the other party the choice of acceptance or rejection, is not overly oppressive, and does not aim at exploitation. The most important feature that distinguishes harmful manipulation from this is; It causes harm to the other party, the main purpose of the manipulator is hidden, it involves direct or covert aggression by knowing the weaknesses of the victim, and it is aimed at obtaining a material or psychological benefit.
In psychological manipulation, one party puts the other under emotional pressure and restricts their space for action. The person becomes unable to use his or her own intelligence, free will, emotions, and logic, and it may take a long time to realize this. Emotional manipulation in bilateral relations is one of the most dangerous and invisible methods of psychological violence.
The most common manipulation usually occurs in a business setting, in a romantic relationship, or between family members when one person wants to control the behavior of another. Manipulation is not always done in search of personal gain. People who think they know what is right and beneficial for the other party or who try to control which way the individual decides can also use manipulation.
The primary structure of human society, the couple, is an almost indispensable union. Human beings need each other, but being a couple also means that we experience problems that we do not experience when we are alone, and that we try to find solutions to them. Every couple also has an identity and a shared common layer that is a reflection of this bond. This bond, the type of communication established, is a substance specific to the dynamic couple; It evolves and may change over time.
In addition to the fact that the importance of the Self has never been stronger before, there is also a more intense need for loneliness and love today than in past periods. The dynamic of being a couple is subject to both the advantages and burdens of customs, traditions and progress. On the one hand, we are all becoming similar to each other, on the other hand, we are evolving and looking only at ourselves. So today, in past times Most differently, we can state that the couple is the sum of two units rather than fused into a single unity. This requires loving oneself and loving the other, and reconciling the stability of the couple with the evolution of society.
Every marriage or romantic relationship encounters obstacles, difficulties, and disagreements. One of these difficulties is that one spouse wants to dominate the other and always want to be right. This is a common pattern in human relationships. On the other hand, shaping the other person's personality as you wish is not and should not be seen as normal.
We can easily say that every couple has a visible and a hidden face. Visible face; It is what the outside world (acquaintances, relatives, friends) perceives and detects in the couple. These people remain outside the couple's ambiguous space and often do not know what is going on inside. The hidden face is the part that the outside world does not know, and there is a part within it that the couple cannot understand or be aware of. Every couple has established rules, but apart from these there are also strong implicit rules that are not pronounced. These cannot be put into words. This unseen but known space; It is the place where misunderstandings, deep disagreements and manipulation will take root.
In a relationship where emotional manipulation takes place, the egocentric personality structure of the manipulator and the personality characteristics of the manipulated individual are the determining factors. The prevalence of narcissistic personality traits and antisocial behavior disorder was found to be high in people who practice manipulation. On the other hand, individuals with a high need for approval and acceptance by others, who avoid negative emotions, who cannot say no, who lack self-confidence, and who have an external locus of control are more open to manipulation. In other words, manipulation easily settles into the relationships of people who suffer from a deficiency. People who experience a deep sense of incompleteness suffer from a desire for a life connected to the whole, to the origin, and a desire for completeness. This means that there is an unconscious orientation, a search and a tendency towards meeting, and these people are likely to be manipulated.
Since the manipulation usually comes from someone in the individual's close circle, the difference is noticeable. It is difficult to do. The result of emotional manipulation for the victim is the decrease and disappearance of self-esteem and the emergence of psychological disorders such as anxiety and depression, which become established as a result of intense hopelessness.
For the couple, creating their own norms is a difficult process that occurs over time. There are power relations and sometimes manipulations that lead to this happening. In a couple with a partner who uses manipulation excessively, the situation is systematic and the main axis of the relationship, while in most couples it is individual and depends on the situation. What distinguishes ordinary manipulation from others is the frequency with which it is used and how it is experienced by the other party, rather than the style itself. In what ways can a person manipulate their partner? The following are some of the ways used:
-Blackmail and threats
-Inducing feelings of guilt
-Lying
-Slandering, devaluing
-Dependence (Materially or emotionally)
Differentiation is the first law of nature, there are constant separations in human life; From birth to breast weaning, from gaining autonomy in adolescence to living independently... Differentiation through separation is a challenging course of each person's formation. This is how a person acquires his own identity. To separate is to differentiate, thus to define oneself from the very beginning. To recognize and create oneself as the unique being without denying the other; everything is here. Love does not mean “absorption”, it does not mean destruction at all.
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