Relationship is the mutual bond, contact, relationship between two things. We are born into a relationship. To the network of relationships... Our first relationship is with our mother. As a helpless being who cannot meet his own needs, we desire our mother to meet our needs. And for this to continue, we desire 'our mother's wish'. Our first form of relationship forms the basis of all our relationships.
The relationship takes place not between two people, but between the codes that form the psychological basis of these two people. The genetic characteristics of the person, His cultural transfers, what he learned from the environment, his childhood experiences, his experiences in life and his temperament constitute his subjective universe. Relationship is the effort of these two different structures to find a common ground between their perceptions, needs and desires. Of course, these perceptions, needs and desires do not always coincide and are at least prone to disappointment and more destructive conflicts.
We need ourselves to be me
We need another, a relationship with the other, for our spiritual, physical and mental development. In this uncanny world we have been thrown into, we need to connect with each other, share our loneliness, support each other, be approved, establish contact and communication, receive value and love, be criticized in order to do better, in short, we need a secure attachment.
Why conflict waits on the threshold
Conflict is inevitable in life and relationships. Conflict is necessary and positive for newer, more functional development. Conflicting in the face of problems is when two different perspectives develop a new idea that is close to a solution. The point that is not positive here is that the parties are afraid of conflict, or rather of not being able to find a solution, and therefore the parties ignore the problems or only impose their own truth during the conflict. The point is to manage crises correctly and achieve gains. Developing and transforming does not always happen calmly, but by shaking the old to make room for the new.
“We must stop hoping for fewer problems and ask for more wisdom.”
Problems often come from wanting our partner to be our everything. To meet all our needs that have not been met until today It is based on waiting and feeling disappointed because this is not possible. Not knowing exactly our own and our partner's perceptions, needs, desires and priorities, and not being able to recognize our temperament characteristics and red lines create problems. No relationship has absolute harmony. Relationships do not need perfect harmony. This is a fantasy. Trying to realize this dream will strain, bend and tire both parties.
Problems; If one or both partners do not have psychopathology, that is, emotional, thought, behavioral disorders, we call this a personality disorder:
- Inability to determine their own boundaries and responsibilities.
- Both partners' own and their interlocutor's Not being aware of the advantages, limitations, potential risks, basic searches and fears arising from one's temperament >
- Expectations are not realistic and fair
- Thinking that the problem is conveyed by talking too much and waiting for a solution without realizing that this is not communication
- Variety of love languages and being aware of this and acting accordingly Not being able to do it
- Not making room for closeness and autonomy needs
- Personalizing events and behaviors
- Taking sides in an effort to be right
- Responding to needs not to become sensitive
- To embarrass the spouse in the family or in social environments
- To take sides in the relationship with the children
- To bring up the problems in a defensive or accusatory language
- Underestimating the people and facts that the partner values, forcing them to make a choice
- Exhausting the credit of the sensitivities that are the lifeblood of the relationship, such as empathy, respect, passion, sensitivity, altruism, patience, care
p>- Not giving the relationship a priority and special place in the extended family and social life
- Abandoning the relationship to its fate in the heedless assurance of being together
- By accumulating or ignoring the problems, paving the way for problems and frequently bringing up obsolete problems
- Reading intentions while discussing, blaming, judging, humiliating, criticizing destructively k, constantly defending, building a wall
- To punish with physical, emotional or sexual deprivation…
Relationships are always taken care of and expects sensitivity
First we must be aware of our own expectations from the relationship. 'What do I expect, what do I need?'
Then we must be able to express ourselves in the most accurate way so that the interlocutor can perceive this and respond back.
Determine whether he/she has the capacity, equipment and talent to meet our expectations. We must.
We must show our satisfaction for the answers given to our realistic expectations.
We should thank you for all the goodness and support you can provide.
We should always see the glass half full and nurture and grow this area.
We should open the most beautiful space in our lives to it.
We should make him feel safe, belonging, peaceful and free in this relationship.
We should be sensitive to what he cares about and worries about, even if it seems meaningless to us.
We should share the responsibility of the relationship, give each other We must stand on one side for the relationship, not against it.
We should be most generous to him/her in love, respect, tolerance, forgiveness, priority, time, treats, surprises, crying and laughing.
We should always be a good listener in every relationship. We must remain silent, stop and listen without trying to give an answer, to be right, or to solve the problem as soon as possible.
We must listen without prejudice, as if we are hearing something for the first time, without falling into the heedlessness of 'he always says the same thing' or 'I know what he is going to say'.
We must listen calmly, without reacting or judging.
We must help him/her see what emotions are behind what he/she expresses or cannot express.
Appropriate place and time. We must express our feelings at the right time, in an appropriate language, and certainly in my language.
In short, we must make people feel good... Even if the world is turned upside down, people look for the place where they feel good.
What do we need in these days when closeness is nose to nose?
Our body, which perceives the threat we are experiencing as no different than a war or natural disaster, is sensitive and anxious these days. And quarantine our relationships in a bad situation. We have never been exposed to our loved ones at such close range. We were managing our relationships by going around the problems we were experiencing, glossing over them, and resorting to some escape routes. Now, we are left alone twenty-four hours a day, under the pressure of our relatives. We are having a hard time. Our tolerance and patience are being challenged. All our personal boundaries are gone. Our sensitivities are becoming more sensitive…
So how should we approach this process?
First of all, we should recognize the opportunity of these days without hustle and bustle to establish calmer, deeper and stronger relationships with the members of our family. Aware that we are going through an extraordinary process, we must be more patient, understanding and compassionate to everyone, including ourselves. We should minimize our expectations, even communicate with zero expectations. We must suspend all our problems and accounts that trigger the problems we keep under wraps. We must be able to see our strengths and weaknesses through our stuck moods and reactions, and deepen the journey towards ourselves.
We can fill the gaps we left in our relationships, even if unintentionally, and touch each other's hearts. We can feel and make others feel the value and importance of unity and solidarity. We can strengthen our bonds by watching the backyards of our loved ones, trying to understand the reasons for their attitudes, and understanding each other. We can reveal our talents that we were not aware of and address our priorities that we neglected and postponed. We can call our loved ones and provide as much support as we can. We can show our children how to resist life and difficulties. With the realization that life hangs by a thread, we can rearrange our list of priorities, values and meaning. We can increase tolerance for life and death, especially for ourselves and others. We can be human by polishing our human characteristics. We can send away negative emotions such as anxiety, fear, jealousy, selfishness and anger and replace them with hope, contentment, patience, unconditional love, thinking about others as much as ourselves, forgiving, being grateful, sharing, being content and striving.
Everything passes, feelings remain. We can create beautiful posts to leave good memories and feelings.
The support given in difficult times is unforgettable. We can support each other when we are tired, despairing, anxious and struggling.
We know that every war has a conqueror and every tale has a hero. Isn't it worth being a hero in this war whose object is not visible now, in this tale of evolution that tests patience? Let's make memories the way you want these days to be remembered in the future. Let's work for what we want to gain. These days will pass. How it goes and what it brings is up to us. So make an effort.
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