Are you having difficulty communicating with your child? Is your child left behind when making friends with his or her peers? He cannot express himself; Is he/she mostly quiet, shy and introverted? So what could be the underlying reality of these problems? You may have heard the saying, “Children are the mirror of their parents.” I saw this quote 3 years ago while reading an article on the internet, and today I repeat the questioning I did when I read it that day, with a greater awareness.
The impact of parenting on both the cognitive (mental) and physical development of the child. There are too many to deny. Parents have a genetic influence on the child even before the child is born. These genetic influences affect the child's physical and cognitive development. Many studies show that many developments, from the child's hair color to his intelligence range, are shaped primarily by the genes of the mother and father, and the rest are environmental factors. So what could these environmental factors be? Family environment, customs and traditions of the society in which he lives and grows up, the way of government of the country he lives in, the religion of the society he lives in, social environment and many other items are included in the environmental factors and affect the mental development of the child.
Child population in the European Union countries. When we compare the rates, Turkey is the country with the highest child population. Naturally, it is the country with the highest proportion of parents. So, what percentage of these children in Turkey receive adequate care from their parents? What percentage of them are employed in a way that is beneficial to society and turn into adults who are self-confident, strong, able to express themselves and enjoy life as we want? First of all, let's explain what we mean by being a parent in Turkey: Of course, every society has its own cultural and religious traditions. When a child is born in a country, many things begin to take shape around him before he even knows how to walk and affect the child's mental development. For example, while parents in European countries raise children with a more independent, individual and distant attitude; In Turkey, there is a much more dependent, warm, family-oriented and controlling approach to raising children. Well, these cultural and traditional attitudes are positive and What are the negative returns? In this article, I will especially touch upon our stereotyped attitudes that cause negative results, because my purpose in writing this article is to raise awareness, even if it is very small. Not only to highlight and criticize the negative aspects of our own traditions, in which I grew up, but also to improve some of our stereotyped attitudes that remain at the forefront when raising children and that can cause negative consequences in the child's development, and to reduce the prevalence of these negative attitudes.
First of all, the most important of these negative attitudes is that parents approach their children in an authoritarian manner. We think that excessive discipline and the child's fear of their parents are a positive thing, and sometimes we even tell the "subject-neighbour" how our child refuses to obey us. Well, this is the fear we create ourselves; Do we ever think about the pressure it puts on the child, that the child shares many issues with strangers around him before us, that when he makes a mistake he becomes withdrawn because he cannot find the courage to admit it, and that he resorts to lies many times to hide these mistakes? Or is it easier to first blame the child for all this?
Secondly, another problem I frequently observe is alienating the child from his individual abilities. How and when do we do this? Instead of supporting our child when he draws a picture, we do this by saying "instead of wasting time on such useless things, solve two tests and improve your grades." When your child tells you that he wants to dance or tries to imitate a dance figure he saw on the internet at home, we say "are you going to be a dancer and starve, study more instead?", we do this again. We close all the roads around our children and force them to follow only one path: studying. In addition, we do not or cannot even allow our child to acquire a hobby while growing up. Unfortunately, we live in a country where not everyone is equal financially and not everyone has the same opportunities. In this case, we can take our child to dancing, swimming, drawing courses, etc. Unfortunately, sending money is a luxury for most families. But I believe If it is deemed really necessary, an opportunity can be provided for everything.
Speaking of the financial issue, another method or mistake that families frequently use in order not to lose their "authority": When the child does not behave the way the family wants, manipulate economically. This attitude has become so normalized that parents accept it and feel justified in doing so to a narcissistic degree. “He lives under my roof, eats my bread, of course he will do what I say.” I'm sure these patterns will sound familiar to you. Or another phrase, “Let him stand on his own feet and earn his money, then he can do whatever he does, but under my roof, my rules apply.” The main problem here is not to consider our child as an individual. Completely ignoring the child's wishes and seeing our own wishes as our child's wishes. What I'm trying to say here is; Let's do whatever the child wants, let him do whatever he says, let's not give him money unconditionally whenever he wants. However, from time to time, when our child comes to us with a wish, instead of saying "no" and dismissing it, we should at least allow him to feel that we listen to him and understand him. If we show that we value his/her opinions, the child will also feel valued. This feeling of value will play an important role in the child's self-realization. Do you want your child to grow up feeling withdrawn, timid, and unimportant? Or to grow as an individual who feels valuable, has developed self-confidence, knows that he can make mistakes and that this is a completely normal thing, and most importantly, knows himself? The choice here is entirely yours.
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