Saying 'NO' is easy for some of us, challenging for some and impossible for others. So, what are your 'no's? How do you feel when you encounter a situation that you do not want, do not like or do not like? Would you say yes to reluctantly? Do you always distance yourself from such matters? Or would you say no without thinking? This article is for you if your body is tense when you need to say no, if you are experiencing anxiety and distress, or if you say yes to everything to avoid these bodily sensations. Now I want to ask you. “Why is it so hard for you to say no?” Well, let me ask another question. “What will change in your life if you say no to the things you don't want?” Think about the answers to both questions. Here is an opportunity for you to break out of the behavior pattern you are used to. Maybe it wasn't a problem for you not being able to say "no" until now. Or you were putting this word in your forbidden words because you believed it was your nature (temperament). Since it is a shameful situation to use the word "no" in our society, you may have closed yourself to this word. Now let's think together, why does a person feel obliged to do things he does not want? Or why does he reluctantly say "yes" to all this? This journey of being unable to say no is not something that came out of nowhere in our lives. Its origins go back to our childhood. In order to meet our emotional needs that were not met during childhood, we search for a remedy during this period. And this situation causes the formation of stereotypes and behaviors in the later stages of our lives. (origins of formation of schemas)
When we examine the reasons why I can't say no one by one;
- “What if I refuse to fulfill the wishes of the other person and walk away from me? If there is a fear of "no resentment or resentment, everything will be as he wishes", the possible schema origin of this is; abandonment scheme. The person believed that if he said his wishes and desires, he would be abandoned by the other person. For this, he suppresses his own feelings and says "yes" even though he doesn't want to. (Emotion suppression schema + abandonment schema)
-“The other person's wishes when I said no to him not to fulfill; If he sulks at me or speaks words, I can't handle it.” If your anxiety is due to the reactions of the people in front of you (sulking, speaking out, humiliating, insulting...), here is the effective scheme of submission and suppression of emotions. If you have a scheming of submissiveness and cannot say no in such situations. You're probably also experiencing intense anger because you're being made to feel compelled. This feeling can be directed towards both the other person and yourself. In submissiveness, you feel as if you would be left behind if you say your wishes, and you can use the "yes to everything" you learned in childhood to fight this feeling.
-"Even though I express my own wishes, the other person does not care about me. There is no one in my life who will accept my wishes with understanding. Yes to everything you say about him.” If you suppress your emotional needs and desires because you think there are no people who will understand and care about you, your emotional deprivation schema and suppression schema are shaping your life.
-“I can't be like others. While others can say whatever they want, how nice it is, I can't say it, I feel inadequate in this regard.” If you feel inadequate and unsuccessful because you cannot say no, your failure schema may have been active.
-“When someone asks me for something, I must do it immediately. If I cannot fulfill the request of the other person, I will be very upset.” When someone wants something from you, you want to fulfill it immediately, and if you do not do it and feel selfish, your self-sacrifice scheme directs your life.
-“I wish I hadn't said yes, I always do the same thing like a fool! If you say "I accept the things I don't want every time" and get angry and angry with yourself, your punishment scheme is active.
-"If I say no to what everyone says yes, I will be ostracized by my social circle. For that, I have to keep up with everyone.” If you limit yourself to things that your social circle will not approve of because of your own thoughts and cannot express your wishes, your status seeking scheme may be active.
-You are ashamed of your own thoughts and wishes and they If you find it disgusting, it may cause you to find your thoughts flawed and hide them. As a result, you may still give yes answers even though you don't want to. (flawlessness, suppression of emotions scheme.)
-If you prefer to leave the decisions to someone else because you are afraid of the responsibility of your own thoughts, you may be under the influence of the addiction scheme.
-If you can't stand behind your own thoughts and tend to accept someone else's opinion, that is, if you unconsciously choose a satellite for yourself: you may be giving up your own decisions and wishes under the influence of the nested schema. If you have such problems and the substances suit you, you can benefit from therapy for your personal development.
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