How long does it take to shape children's behavior or teach new behaviors? When we think about it in terms of time, of course everyone can say that it is a long time. It is very difficult and takes a long time for not only children but also adults to break their habits. Families, teachers or experts have an important role in the process of shaping children's behavior. A child learns basic behaviors throughout his life adventure, which starts with his family. When he reaches a certain age, he continues with school, which is his first social experience. Children who spend long periods of the day with their teachers and friends begin to learn many new behavioral patterns. Teachers, as well as families, have a positive or negative impact on shaping children's behavior. When considering child development, the only focus is on "behaviors". When children show acceptable behavior, everything goes harmoniously. However, when unacceptable behavior occurs, many families or teachers may have difficulty deciding how to act. Teachers or families who are successful in crisis management can manage the process well by following it closely. In the opposite case, wrong steps may be taken to solve the problem "immediately" without getting to the root of the problem and focusing on the child's needs. Unfortunately, most families or teachers can make the situation even worse by falling into a "now" mentality. How do we feel when someone tells us to "quit smoking now", "learn to drive now", "dance now", "stop biting your nails now"? Our first emotion may be “anxiety”. “Oh my God, how can I give up on this right away?” Or “How can I learn this in 2 days?” This is how we expect children to do things immediately, without us being able to help them.
Think of Rodin or Michelangelo; He did not tell his works to be "made in a day" or "be done immediately". Perhaps they completed those works by making one touch at a time and discovering something new every day. Effort in the process, waiting, continuing without giving up, and working inch by inch could only create such a result. We can compare behavioral changes in children to this. Parents or educators are like sculptors. Every time the sculptor touches his clay or marble e did not immediately create a statue with each strike. He made one of the smallest touches to complete the statue. He had to touch it many times like this. If everyone who raises children is a sculptor, they should have the spirit of Rodin or Michelangelo. Children should be raised with the spirit of sculptors. Unfortunately, most families or educators can forget this spirit in behavioral change. Maybe it may be because we were raised in such a society. When a problem arises, we want it to be resolved immediately. But this can create some difficulties when it comes to raising children. A mother, father or educator who expects a child's behavior to change immediately is like Rodin painting the sculpture "The Thinker" in a day. In fact, it's not like he's doing it, it's like saying "come on, be right away" without touching him at all. Think about the things you want kids to do right away. "Let them get used to school immediately", "Let them enter without crying", "Let them eat at school", "Let them sleep at school", "Let them not bite their nails", "Let them not suck their thumbs", "Let them get used to the toilet immediately", "Let them obey the rules"... They do these a lot throughout the year. we hear. If we consider the orientation process, there may be days when we expect these to happen immediately. But it should be known that; Nothing without effort will lead us to results. Children do not know how to eat right away, how to talk, or how not to wet the bed. In this process, the message "get to the point" or "I want to see you achieve this now" makes children feel inadequate. And although the expected result is not very healthy, it may often not come at all.
We can think of this for every behavior. However, since our process is orientation, we should not expect children to suddenly get used to school. Be at least from today "When will my child get used to school?" You can go through this process more easily by not using the question. This problem neither contributes to the process nor has any functionality. These questions may first make you and then your child anxious or even angry. Every time you ask this question, your child will have to face something he cannot do every morning. It is absolutely not a problem for a child to cry at first. Each child's ability or tolerance to cope with separation may be different. Consider a line between 0-10. 10, many- 0, none In this line determined as �, some children's coping degree may be 8, while others may have 2. Our coping skills, or how we cope, are directly related to our past experiences, temperament, and personal differences. We can never equate a child with a "2" coping skill, that is, with a child who is too little to cope, with a child who has a "9" coping skill. It would be a wrong determination made without taking into consideration their past experiences, family attitudes, genetic structure, temperament and personal differences. Evaluating the orientation process and its aftermath from this perspective can provide a different perspective. Staying stuck in problems, always looking at them from the same angle, and interpreting them can lead to a dead end instead of a solution. Constantly telling a child who sucks his thumb "take your hand out of his mouth" will not solve the problem. On the contrary, it exacerbates the behavior. It can also create intense anger in children. Tell children “take your hand off your mouth”, “don't hit”, “bite”, “handle”, “don't run”, “cry”, “get angry”, “scream”, etc. How successful have you been with many of your instructions? Or when you say these to your child or student, “Did he/she immediately agree?” Or “Did he do the exact opposite?”. It probably had an effect when you first said it, then he ignored it and then increased its intensity. As a result, you have wasted your energy and said a lot of non-functional words. These words, which you said in a soft voice at first, were replaced by a loud voice after a while, and the child was faced with a very angry parent or teacher. As a result of our professional experience, we know that this process often goes like this. Perhaps there is only one mistake we make... Waiting for things to change "immediately". Expecting a new behavior without effort, patience, effort, waiting and time would only be a miracle. It is necessary to move forward, like Rodin, with the hope that every touch of clay will turn into a masterpiece.
The prophecy of a family or teacher who does not believe that a behavior will change will definitely come true. Children are the ones who will fulfill this prophecy. When you say, "This child cannot change anyway," the child can do his best to make it happen. Be very careful about the messages you give to your children or what you believe about them. Dead Most children who behave inappropriately have this belief: "I am a bad person." The child believes that I am already bad, my behavior is bad, and I am not loved. When the template of "If I am a bad person, I should behave badly" is formed, behaviors begin to increase in severity. When children are expected to change their behavior immediately, they feel frustrated. In this vicious circle, they develop many beliefs that you do not know about. The "immediate" psychology can hurt children's souls and make them feel helpless. However, if we move forward by giving children time, focusing on their positive behaviors, strengthening their resources, and honoring them for what they can do rather than what they cannot do, we can invest in their souls, not "immediately" but perhaps in the long term. What matters is how you look at the problem. Evaluating the problem within a new framework brings the solution. But most of the time, you can get lost in the problem. If children's behavioral changes are desired, a change is required. However, we can create this change by changing our perspective on the problem rather than expecting it from the child. In psychology, this method is called "Reframing". It is a method that we can use not only in raising children but also in every aspect of our lives. It gives us an effective and different perspective that literally leads us to a solution. When you use this while raising your child or student, you may not notice faster behavioral changes. Shaping children's behavior requires a long journey and effort. Only this should be decided; Should I stand in front of my child or student? Is he with you? How would you like to be remembered? Constantly putting obstacles, asking people to change, giving messages like "Be like this!", "Don't be like this", giving commands, always telling people what they shouldn't do, suffocating them with -me and -ma sentences, making them angry, worrying, making them feel helpless, making them feel inadequate... It doesn't sound like anything at all. Doesn't sound nice, does it? However, with some attitudes, children can have these beliefs or feelings. Even though it is not understood at the time, we can work with many negative experiences from the past during therapies.
In order to be a cure for children's souls, we must first get out of the "get it now" mentality. Negative behavior of every child has the right to complain. In fact, every negative behavior is a call to the family or teacher. Those who can hear this call are those who work to shape or change behavior. In addition, even if the call reaches full volume, those who cannot hear are the ones who are stuck on the "be now" message.
I wish you a school year in which you reframe the sentences you say to your children that start with "immediately" as "over time", "gradually", "as you feel ready"...
Read: 0
